God spoke to me though this little clip & song. Watch it, enjoy it and see if you can pick anything out of it (:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JEREMY & AMNI! :D Hahaha i got damn cute faci right. HAHHAHAHA! We surprised them today with cake and alot of party poopers some of them went out to get over lunch, the benefit of cars and being a short distance from CWP (:


I AM TIRED. I drank milk tea past 4pm yesterday, and i was up till 2am. So loser ): And so i've learnt from that and i'm having my honey milk tea now :D Today's another draining session of Dreamweaver with Jeremy, lucky i have dreamweaver god branden in the team with all the other fun loving people like nic, kintoh, nao & sihui :D

Ah ha, i'm going to continue with my Monsters Vs Aliens Movie while waiting for presentation to start! :D




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1:19 PM

{edit}





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11:48 PM

I'll probably be on a short MIA from found-ed and updating somewhere else. There'll still be the photo updates and if there's anything i want to share with you guys it'll still be here but that shld be about it (: I'll be back okay so must keep reading! :D Loving all you readers,

P.S Drivers up for hire? I feel like spending another night out enjoying the city lights that line the sky and feeling the wind in my hair. That was nice (:

Hannah
/last night i had a dream that everything was back to normal. It was a great dream, but that made waking up a whole lot harder.

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11:18 AM

{word intensive}

Good time to start collecting all the thoughts i had from yesterday. Had alot to think about, but never got a chance to put them down in words for me to remember and to probably update some of my readers who perhaps feel the same way or just interested in my life. I'm going to be rather open and honest here so if u're here to judge and has something against what i say, talk to me yes? (:

It probably was the worst week i've had, the worst saturday morning, the worst everything. Crying seemed to be the only thing i knew. But i hated crying, read on. Yet i came to know crying doesnt mean you're weak. It just means that you're willing to be vulnerable, before the Lord and to admit that you need God, and want Him to take over and intervene.
Ever since i was young, i had to struggle with filling shoes - shoes that were too big for me to fill. Managing the expectations people placed over me, my family, and soon everything else. So it might have just grown from there, that since i've grown up like that, i'll just have to keep meeting people's expectations and not getting my own shot and things, not getting to know what it means to be hannah. As i spoke to sister vivi yesterday, it hurt so bad, so so bad when i couldnt help but tell her ' honestly, i don't know who hannah is anymore, i really just don't know'. I know we all go through an identity crisis when we're you know 15-17. I've been there. The difference is, i've never had a crisis - because i didnt even have an identity. Besides growing up like that, my past had another whole lot to do with it. I'm back where i'm starting aren't i? When i dont smile, people tell me i'm dao. When i smile, i'm trying too hard. When i cry, im too emotional, when i dont, i'm suddenly labelled as 'dry' because i dont feel anything. When i'm strong, people assume i am and flood me 1001 things for me to advice and etc. When i'm not, people say 'you're not yourself today, is everything alright?'. I've then started to tell myself hannah you can't cry, you have to be strong for the poeple around you, crying is weak. I'm kind of lost with what people really expect from me, and i'm tired. It's been like this all my life, its not like i don't want it to change. I tell myself, God's calling. Let God, God give be strength, God take over, God i've had enough. So now i'm doing it another way, God, make hannah. I never knew who i was, but i know You knew, You knew who You wanted me to be, and i will be. Teach me.

For starters, from what i remember: Hannah is a people's person and they come before herself - she will support, she will cheer up and she will be there. Hannah lacks security and needs it. Hannah might not appear as strong as she is, and still the same needs protection. Hannah feels with her heart first before letting her head think. Hannah likes to cry, throw slippers, scream and push people when she's feeling down and stuffed. Hannah writes to get things out of her heart. Hannah will turn to music anytime of the day. Hannah will laugh out loud as and when she likes to, and do the silliest things in front of people and end up laughing at herself. Hannah likes to dream, smile to herself sometimes. Hannah loves, and when she loves, she loves. Hannah is timid, scared of alot of things - insects, blood, being fat, pain, needles, fast moving bikes & cars (though she adores the thrill she gets), authority, doing illegal things and all that. Hannah doesn't conform to patterns of the world because she lives for one true God. Above all, one thing won't change and that is hannah will love her God and live only for Him.


Then there's another thing. I can't throw that past away, it haunts me. When i try to step up, rise up, break free, or achieve something, do something for someone or whatever it is, my past tells me i can't do it, it tells me i'm never going to do enough, i'm never going to be good enough for anyone, to be anyone or to do something, i'm going to be judged, i will not go far. But even as she spoke to me, God brought me back to what i posted with my own head, my own conviction, with my own thoughts just a few months ago. & i remember, that the scars are only proof of God's faithfulness, mercy, grace and love in my life. & God is proud of what i have done with my life, for Him, with Him.


I said i couldnt, but God said i can do all things. (phil 4:13)
I said its cant be me, but God said "I have called you". (isa 41:9)
I said i'm not good enough, but God said His power is made perfect in weakness. (2 cor 12:9)
I said i'm afraid, but God said He will lead me. (isa 58:11)
I said i feel far away, but God said draw near. (james 4:8)
I said what about my past, but God said "i forgive you". (Romans 8:1)
I said it's tiring to keep trying to meet expectations & perceptions of who hannah is, but God said "i love you the way you are because you're made in my image." (Pslm 139:14)
I said i don't see the silver lining, but God said i've been called for greatness. (Jer 33:3)


Someone told me, the only constant is change. People change, weather change, mood change, problems mutate. Everything changes, and we got to adapt, grow up, learn and take charge. But God is still God. God will still be the God that will take care of us, the God who loves, the God that will rescue and put colour back into your life even when everything is black and white. He will still come in that still small voice saying 'It's okay, you're not alone. you may be scared to death but i won't let you go.' He is still God, in every season, in every circumstance, through every emotion & thought, in everything; He is God. And i will wait upon Him.




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8:46 PM

Today was a hard day. Probably the worst i've hard all my years, but it will be okay. I know everything will be okay (:

Get that into your head hannah lee, get that into your head. God is sovereign, and He will write the rest of life's story. Return the pen, surrender it. God is God for a reason, so wait on Him. Let him reveal things to you and bring you where He wants you to go. You can stop trying now, and ask God to make hannah from now on. Whoever you were in the past, no longer matters. Because in God you're new again.
Thank you sister vi, for allowing me to be as vulnerable as i could have imagined it to be. It's been a long while since i was that vulnerable to anyone but i thank God i chose to open up to start this process of healing. I know God will take charge, and i will hang on. I will wait, and thank you for really truly understanding how i felt because perhaps you were in the exact same position few years ago. Meant a whole lot to me that finally there was someone who really understood and didn't tell me sense-ful things just to comfort me, but i knew it came from you and God. That i am sure. Thank you for letting me know all i need to know & thank you for believing in me, even when i couldnt believe in myself. God is proud, he is right? (:

Labels: highlight

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11:28 PM

Then S showered me with some TLCC, but i told him not enough. So he came up with TLCCLMAOROFLOLOLOLOLOL, which happened to be " tender loving care and concern likes miss ang or roger or fender love orange love orange love orange love orange love orange love" Ohgoodness, late night madness. Then watched some of the sillest videos of the sillest people as well as a couple of my own from W15L & E35D ):

It's day 4, Norman never ask for Elearning. Well even if he did, i'm going to take a break. RP wakes me up early everyday. EVERYDAY call me ask me if i'm okay, or if i know when to go back to school and its a different thing everyday. Today the lady still said 'okay thank you, have a good sleep!' I'm like uh, yeah.
Right, i seriously seriously need to go out, be happy, take a coupla photos and get my mind off thinking about stupid redundant things. & it doesnt help that i'm back to school next week with UTs ): Alright, as for now i'm going back to the piano. E learning might not seem so useless afterall, im playing the weirdest yet some of the best music i've played after not touching the piano for more than 4 years! Till later (:

Labels: the prayer.

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12:06 PM

WHOA, bore everything out of me man! E learning day-2 keeeeeeels me. I wish everyone was on LOA now too, so i can meet people and go out and hang out and i'm really in need of a good meet up + HTHT + goood food :/
Okay, i've got nothing else to blog about for now, except when E-learning gets the better of you, and u start playing with your webcam playing with things like an oversized sunhat that has been lying one corner. LOL! Let's see what else i can come up with by the end of today. I so can't wait for my sis to come back from sch ): For now, i'm gonna go play the keys and seek God while at it (: Music heals.




Dont wait till you lose someone you love to realise how important they are to you, or how much they've given you - more than what you even need or ask for. cos i need to rmeember that you are you, not just anyone else.

Labels: secondchance - faberdrive.

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12:46 PM

First day of e-learning!
Couldn't get anything done at home with mom around, tons of distractions, and running emotions - so i spent the afternoon at Macs in CCK. Surprisingly got alot of work done and headed home short after for dinner (:
The day has been pretty much boring! I want to be in church all of a sudden, i'm dreading the weekdays and the LOA is definitely NOT helping, especially now. But there were people who made my day, like jelly for example. Look, so sweet she changed her DP and told me to stare at it (: Hehehehe. It's during times like this when you really start to see the ones who understand, and those who don't. The ones who will be there even if its the same thing every day, and never get tired of telling you 'cheer up, smile babe'.
P.S i think chimpanzee's are amazing.


hannah: ants (what i call my maid), have i lost weight? For once, i feel like i dont need to bother bout my weight and for once i feel like gaining weight.
ants: yah you've lost weight, esther i dont know (cos we were talking bout us losing weight)

I havent been eating well as i've realised. In school over the past 2 weeks i was eating just to fill my stomach, no appetite whatsoever. I had 2 mouthfuls of maggie mee and i was hungry but couldnt stomach anything else. I had Macs and tried to stomach fries. I ate, but it felt kinda horrible. & i've lost weight, yay? Neither have i been sleeping well. I find myself awake random times of the night, dreaming bout the scariest things, but yet so tired from everyday life. The flu's getting to me too, headaches and all. God, save me.

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8:36 PM