Sunday, April 13, 2008
& all the city lights and noises,
couldn't mask the fear and insecurities inside me ;
Today's post shall all be in white. Dont ask why, perhaps you're not even supposed to be reading this.
Headed down to church early (as usual), sat at the back of the chapel (as usual) to hear the band jam (as usual). Everything was the usual, the same-o-same-o. Yet something was different, me. Even as i sat in the near empty chapel, hearing the band sing songs of praise and worship, something within me tripped. I closed my eyes, and let the emotions run wild by themselves. Worshipping God at the seats, tears just streamed down my face. Quickly composed myself as doors opened at 445pm, and ppl streamed in. Yet somehow the crowd didn't matter. I still sat there, just staring, just thinking; of the so many things that's happened. Confused? Yes i am. Just sat there for the 15 mins before service officially started. But thanks to charisse who gave me that hug, i started brawling away again. This time there was company like shaunice,emily, debbie and of course dear sister eileen. They definitely prayed for me and tried asking why. But no, i didn't know how to put it across to them. The moment my eyes landed on somethings,someone or somewhere, i felt bitter. Angry? I couldn't be. All i fought so hard for, all i tried to give my all to protect, all that was precious like gem to me, in that moment felt gone. Sacrifices i have made, heartaches i have suffered. Yet ... ? For all the times i went without sleep just worrying bout all of your problems, for all the times i always had to send msgs to make sure everyone was okay, for all the times you caused me to cry in agony - it all comes to nothing to this day. Ytd's worship experience made the whole thing worse. From pre service, all the way to fast upbeat songs, to emotional worship songs, i just cried and cried and cried through it all. Cried for a full two hours with occasional ppl coming up to give me hugs & tissues and to ask how i was. (And kudos to you ppl! On top of those mentioned above - Tham, Alicia, Jethro, Cliff, Brother Andy, derek, adriel, charlotte,meiyan and many others. I love you all plenty). I cried so much till the tears washed every trace of make up off my face. Then i felt like i havent slept in days cos my eyes were dry and swollen. I never felt so alone today as i just sat there to watch you all live your own lives, to not be bothered with anything. I'm happy for all of you, but God has placed that burden in my heart for you that you can never understand. I dont understand why he chose to burden my heart, but all i know is i am to love the people around me and to be there whether they need me or not. That was when one person, made my day. As simple a word; a mere greeting; a silly smile to let me know you'll be there; jokes to cheer me up over dinner - thank you bestfriend chinrong (: I love you! Thanks for always being there to support me in anything and everything.
& I, I'll never let you find me.
I'm leaving you behind with the past
No, I won't look back.
And I don't want to hear your reasons.
Don't want to hear you tell me why I should stay ;
cos you never would ask me to anyway.
do you know it's a constant struggle everyday? Lord i need you.
Labels: tonight i've fallen and i can't get up ;
de a'More ;
4:36 PM
hannahlee