{word intensive}

Good time to start collecting all the thoughts i had from yesterday. Had alot to think about, but never got a chance to put them down in words for me to remember and to probably update some of my readers who perhaps feel the same way or just interested in my life. I'm going to be rather open and honest here so if u're here to judge and has something against what i say, talk to me yes? (:

It probably was the worst week i've had, the worst saturday morning, the worst everything. Crying seemed to be the only thing i knew. But i hated crying, read on. Yet i came to know crying doesnt mean you're weak. It just means that you're willing to be vulnerable, before the Lord and to admit that you need God, and want Him to take over and intervene.
Ever since i was young, i had to struggle with filling shoes - shoes that were too big for me to fill. Managing the expectations people placed over me, my family, and soon everything else. So it might have just grown from there, that since i've grown up like that, i'll just have to keep meeting people's expectations and not getting my own shot and things, not getting to know what it means to be hannah. As i spoke to sister vivi yesterday, it hurt so bad, so so bad when i couldnt help but tell her ' honestly, i don't know who hannah is anymore, i really just don't know'. I know we all go through an identity crisis when we're you know 15-17. I've been there. The difference is, i've never had a crisis - because i didnt even have an identity. Besides growing up like that, my past had another whole lot to do with it. I'm back where i'm starting aren't i? When i dont smile, people tell me i'm dao. When i smile, i'm trying too hard. When i cry, im too emotional, when i dont, i'm suddenly labelled as 'dry' because i dont feel anything. When i'm strong, people assume i am and flood me 1001 things for me to advice and etc. When i'm not, people say 'you're not yourself today, is everything alright?'. I've then started to tell myself hannah you can't cry, you have to be strong for the poeple around you, crying is weak. I'm kind of lost with what people really expect from me, and i'm tired. It's been like this all my life, its not like i don't want it to change. I tell myself, God's calling. Let God, God give be strength, God take over, God i've had enough. So now i'm doing it another way, God, make hannah. I never knew who i was, but i know You knew, You knew who You wanted me to be, and i will be. Teach me.

For starters, from what i remember: Hannah is a people's person and they come before herself - she will support, she will cheer up and she will be there. Hannah lacks security and needs it. Hannah might not appear as strong as she is, and still the same needs protection. Hannah feels with her heart first before letting her head think. Hannah likes to cry, throw slippers, scream and push people when she's feeling down and stuffed. Hannah writes to get things out of her heart. Hannah will turn to music anytime of the day. Hannah will laugh out loud as and when she likes to, and do the silliest things in front of people and end up laughing at herself. Hannah likes to dream, smile to herself sometimes. Hannah loves, and when she loves, she loves. Hannah is timid, scared of alot of things - insects, blood, being fat, pain, needles, fast moving bikes & cars (though she adores the thrill she gets), authority, doing illegal things and all that. Hannah doesn't conform to patterns of the world because she lives for one true God. Above all, one thing won't change and that is hannah will love her God and live only for Him.


Then there's another thing. I can't throw that past away, it haunts me. When i try to step up, rise up, break free, or achieve something, do something for someone or whatever it is, my past tells me i can't do it, it tells me i'm never going to do enough, i'm never going to be good enough for anyone, to be anyone or to do something, i'm going to be judged, i will not go far. But even as she spoke to me, God brought me back to what i posted with my own head, my own conviction, with my own thoughts just a few months ago. & i remember, that the scars are only proof of God's faithfulness, mercy, grace and love in my life. & God is proud of what i have done with my life, for Him, with Him.


I said i couldnt, but God said i can do all things. (phil 4:13)
I said its cant be me, but God said "I have called you". (isa 41:9)
I said i'm not good enough, but God said His power is made perfect in weakness. (2 cor 12:9)
I said i'm afraid, but God said He will lead me. (isa 58:11)
I said i feel far away, but God said draw near. (james 4:8)
I said what about my past, but God said "i forgive you". (Romans 8:1)
I said it's tiring to keep trying to meet expectations & perceptions of who hannah is, but God said "i love you the way you are because you're made in my image." (Pslm 139:14)
I said i don't see the silver lining, but God said i've been called for greatness. (Jer 33:3)


Someone told me, the only constant is change. People change, weather change, mood change, problems mutate. Everything changes, and we got to adapt, grow up, learn and take charge. But God is still God. God will still be the God that will take care of us, the God who loves, the God that will rescue and put colour back into your life even when everything is black and white. He will still come in that still small voice saying 'It's okay, you're not alone. you may be scared to death but i won't let you go.' He is still God, in every season, in every circumstance, through every emotion & thought, in everything; He is God. And i will wait upon Him.




de a'More ;

8:46 PM