Besides the fact that i'm starting on a diet and trying to work hard on my math, this month was a rather eventful one. I didn't have the time or energy to slowly reflect on it, but after yesterday and a couple of weeks having random thoughts on my mind, i'm glad i did.

(p.s i'm not a very good writer though i enjoy doing it, so here's a ton of messy words that accompanies messy thoughts)

{quote paul)
"I used to think that if someone were to cut my heart open you'd find a room for honesty. A little room where you would find a small pile of sugar and a lego sized version of me in there with a big smile and welcome sign with pictures of your heart pasted all over the arteries.
You could stay for the night for free (with breakfast) and i would never tire of your wants and needs being catered to. But everything changes when you're awake alive and kicking and actually in the real world i guess."

I guess sometimes when you give your all, you don't neccessarily get back what you've sown. It's a battle and a tiresome yet rewarding journey you put yourself through for this thing called love or friendship, or something that means a deal to you. Love is worth fighting for, but sometimes you can’t be the only one fighting. What’s meant to be will end up good and what’s not - won’t. At times, people need to fight for you. If they don’t, you just have to move on and realize what you gave them was more than they were willing to give you. You are good enough, and you don't deserve to be trampled over and caught in the vicious cycle that selfish insensitive people put you through that only results in you being hurt over, and over and over again after giving so much.It will all still be worth it despite those hurts until you realise and you uncover so many unspoken dirty little secrets, and finding out that all the words spoken, all the things you've been through was built on a whole bunch of absurd lies that covered up even more lies. You then further figure out that you were not the only one that been through all that, but along with your broken heart, a handful of people feel the same way from this someone. It not only tells you that he/she was someone that was totally out of his/her mind and merely just 'playing' with you and ton of other people, it also tells you something along the line that you were nothing and not good enough. Ha, i'm sure everyone knows how that feels. What do you do then? Well you first end up brutally hurt. But don't sit there and keep mum about it, you get up and do what you need to do - present this situation to someone who might be able to give you a hand and perhaps smack that person up from his/her slumber. Don't take things into your own hands, because God has it. God will work on your behalf, and let conviction take place somehow, you just pray and trust God. Lies don't go far.

This entire journey has open up my physical and spiritual eyes - coming to realise that i've been fooled so much because i give my trust away too easily and not choosing to put my trust in the most trustworthy Almighty God. After so long of looking inward at my own problem, God did a surgery and worked on my behalf like He would always do. Amidst every trial and every good or bad season, the sovereignty of God never fails to prevail and there never fails to be something or rather MANY things to thank God for.
Definitely the healing process has begun, i dont know how long it'll take but i know i can count on the fact that my God is the best doctor around and i'll be healed to the point of being brand new and better than before (: & i thank God for that.

Other than that, it opened my eyes to see who are the ones who truly care enough to stick by me for a good 3-4 months worth of drama and more. Everytime i look back and think back, i am moved almost to tears of how the different ones are there for me, and give me pockets of courage and love to tide me through bad days and weeks.

My sister is first on the list. Afterall, she is my sister. She's seen the 1001 times i've cried whether at home, in church or at the playground downstairs or during bus rides. She's stood up for me, whacked the walls for me, cheered me up, gave me company, understood me, bothered to know about my life and above all that, she felt me. She cries when i cry , she gets angry when i get hurt, she laughs when i laugh and she would be strong for me even if she had a bad day. And i'll always love her! (:

The HTHT girls come close to being like blood sisters to me. Janet, Ariel, Janella & Alison. Come to think about it, it was because of what we talked about on 1May that brought about this covenental friendship that we have now. 5 fifteen year old girls, that are always there to ask me about my day or what i'm going through. Some of them give me godly counsel and cover me in prayers (janella & ariel) while the rest either make my day or give me advice on what to do next or evaluate situations for me (janet & alison). They never fail to make to smile and make me feel loved and feel like a special 18 year old princess. I wouldnt trade anyone of them away for a million dollars (HAHA so cheap) and i appreciate this friendship and every single one of them more than they think i do (:


Then there's jeanette tham, someone i think understands more than anyone else honestly. Maybe because she's been through a whole lot too? As much as we rarely see one another and just give warm hi-s and bye-s, she's always ready with warm hugs and been there to listen to my 1001 rants and let me know that there's someone that will really understand and identify with how i'm feeling. She probably doesn't know this but she gives me alot of strength and courage just by being her and how much i look up to her. I think she has alot of good advice that always has God in the picture too. See, the best of all the worlds! I love her dearly, and thanks to her i love SS501 too, another huge part of my season. HAHA! :D


Surprised by the entrance of sister kassey into my life, i cannot help but thank God for what she has done for me. I shall not elaborate (:

Delia and Nat have just been constants, always being there to give me a pat on my back or tissue for me to dry my tears and just a firm hug that seems to tell me that it'll all be okay again. They are beside me when i'm lonely, and they know first hand when i'm in my emotional wreck and will be there to stand by me. I shall save xian's dedication for his upcoming birthday, if not later nothing to say. (hahaha)


My girls were the best girls too. Having missed out on one another's lives for quite awhile, the sleepover + baking plus bel's house was just fun. It was fun hanging out late at night and having deep conversations with one another. The calls to make sure i was okay and the smses telling me that i've got a secret hideout if i wanted to leave home one day. Hahaha, thank God for this friendship he's blessed me with (:


Last but not least my SS501 boys - EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM. NEVER EVER fail to take my mind off things and put a huge huge huge smile on my face and keep me very occupied. Took over the emo desktop and handphone wallpapers and just made me a happy girl seeing them everyday smiling back at me. HAHA, psychotic.

There are people like gerald, clement, tingyan and alot of other folks that have proven themselves to be someone who'd take the effort to be concerned about their friends life. Somethings don't change, and everything may fail, but i know these people that God has blessed me with won't. I'm sorry if i missed anyone important out. It deosnt mean u mean lesser okay! I love you allthe same (:

When someone lies to you, it teaches you that things are not always what they seem. The truth is often far beneath the surface. We need to look beyond the masks people wear if we want to knw what's in their hearts.
When someone breaks your heart, it teaches you that loving someone does not always mean that the person will love you back. But don’t turn your back on love, because when you find the right person, the joy that one person brings you will make up for all of your past hurts. Times a thousand fold.
When someone ridicules you, it teaches you that nobody is perfect. Accept people for their merits and be tolerant of their flaws. Do not ever reject someone for imperfections over which they have no control over. Simply put it, love even the unlovables. You and i are not perfect, so who are we to judge?
When you enter someone’s life, whether by plan, chance or coincidence, consider what your lesson will be. Afterall, life's all about learning lessons. Will you teach love or a harsh lesson of reality? When you die, will your life have resulted in more loving or more hurting? More comfort or more pain? More joy or more sadness?

Your heart worth more than you think it does and you mean more than what you think you mean. Don't let yourself go. It might hurt and you might cry, but to get to the other side you'll have to let go of somethings you loved and be broken up in order to be put back together again.

Letting go doesn’t mean we don’t care. Letting go doesn’t mean we shut down. Letting go means we stop trying to force outcomes and make people behave. It means we give up resistance to the way things are, for the moment. It means we stop trying to do the impossible — controlling that which we cannot and instead, focus on what is possible.
Quote(via ifwordscankill)

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