Friday, October 09, 2009
Never felt so guilty typing a blog post. I'm supposed to have a 1001 things to do at hand, 1001 notes to read up on but i need my escape and this is it.
I guess today i really reached my limits, and now all i can do is to go beyond them. For the first time this year, or rather ever since leaving W15L in academic year aug08, i broke down in front of my classmates. And i literally broke down. Many things happened over last night as well as the night before, and it didn't help that i already have a 1001 worries about school on my mind. I'm worrying so much now. I worried how mom and dad are going to keep on providing for the 4 of us, including themselves. I'm suddenly gripped with fear about the future that is so unknown to me. I want my parents to be around, i want my parents to live off me, i want them to lead a good life and give something back to them. But i look at my brother especially, then i look at myself and worry if i will ever do well enough to give them back just a portion of what they have given to me. I love my dad and mom as little as i express or say it. I had thoughts of dropping the idea of going to uni just to make sure i dont spend anymore of their money but instead go out to work. While working on the mood boards over lunch, i guess talking to dad online didn't help much. I held back my tears until sister vi made the right call, at the right time - that just had to be God. I left my team with a burst of tears and started hiding in a corner crying and talking to her at the same time. My future seems to unsure and i can't help but entertain thoughts of doubt that the enemy sown into my life. I started to doubt God's plans for me, and i started to doubt my purpose in RP, doing this DTA diploma and how He's going to provide for me and my family in every area we possibly need. I cried my heart and brawled my eyes out, yes in school - that was how much i've been pushed. I can work under stress, people hardly even seen me stressed. And neither do i anyhow go to my leader about issues like school? But today, instead of a whole lot of chim advice or textbook answers, she said 'dont think about it, leave it to God'. It was that simple. In this season, i needed to be patient. I believe God does have plans, but i cant help it. When i just told God and made promises to Him about what i'll do and would do for Him, suddenly EVERYTHING came down, school, friends, family, matters of the heart and ministry. I no longer know how to handle everything and i reached breaking point today. But i guess all it takes is just that simple step of faith, just to wake up and trust that God will bring me through a new day, and not worry about tommorrow because He already has plans for that. With a quiet confidence and a trust in God, i guess i will make it through. We prayed, and without even time to escape, i rushed back to work in a hurry.
Trust –noun
1. reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
2. a person on whom or thing on which one relies: God is my trust.
3. confident expectation of something; hope.
Mould me, teach me, and above all, grant me your favour, your divine wisdom and supernatural strength, and a peace that surpasses all understanding even as i lay my head to rest everynight. Because i've kinda had enough of sleepness nights.
Well the idea of a perfect end to a week would be hanging out with my sister, just the 2 of us, over dinner and talk. That's how i tried to end this week of. That's probably one of the biggest plus in my life that i have a sister and a best friend all combined into one. No need to wait for meet ups or free times to talk. Just going home is an avenue. It would have been even better if i could take a break and free my mind from all the stupid worries about tommorrow as well as school. Anyhow we settled in Swensens, shared a meal and an awesome dessert. Did a little shopping for design stuff and met jelly and riel for a short short chill. I wished i cld stay in the company and presence of people i love and feel comfortable around, but i didnt want to ruin everyones mood by being so stressed and i did have a ton of work to finish so i rushed home after getting mom some scones she loves. I really do miss my girls, and i really want to find a time for us to really sit down and gather all 6 of us and just, enjoy one another's golden silences and presence. That will be enough (:
Ezekiel 39: 28-29 - "Then they will know that I am the LORD their God, for though I sent them into exile among the nations, I will gather them to their own land, not leaving any behind. 29 I will no longer hide my face from them, for I will pour out my Spirit on the house of Israel, declares the Sovereign LORD."
shikari shiro! - zhijie (;
de a'More ;
9:59 PM
hannahlee