This is going to be the last time i'll make these 'kinda' posts public. After today or maybe tommorrow, we'll all move on, okay? Promise.

This is perhaps the hardest post i have to start. Can't believe that i'd say this but, here we are. For the entire year plus of fighting, it'll all have to end here, right here, right now. And i'm sorry. If you ever happen to read this, i am sorry, from the bottom of my heart. Trust me, i never wanted things to end up the way it is today. But it had to, and i had to do it. Not for myself, but ultimately for you.

The hardest thing to do is to hold on, especially when i knew you've let go. Maybe you'll never be able to understand what you put me through with all the playing of heartstrings, how much you meant to me, how much i struggled with coming clean or how much it has taken me to even get here. You never gave me an answer, and slowly after time passed, this heart just kept bleeding till it bled no more. I'm sorry this had to happen, i really really am. I do wish that I could be cold and emotionless forever because as long as I can feel anything, I’ll feel you. It’s something I don’t want to live with knowing you’re never coming back. Knowing that we might never cross paths or speak another word again really really scares me to death. Trust me, you have no idea. I struggled and fought with God, fought with myself. I could take it, i could have just let it all go over time, let time heal me, and let God do what He has to. I could only that one day, one fine day you'll understand why i did all this - because i only did it for you.I couldnt let you continue, i couldnt bear with it anymore emotionally, mentally and spiritually, and i had to protect the others more than i had to protect you. I said i'll be there, i'll protect you and fight for you all the way. I still will be.I'm sorry i did not tell you, i was told to do so. But having done this, i have just made the hardest yet the most right decision of my life and whatever i've done never spoke more of the love and care i have for you than this.

Listen. You didn't make a mistake, we did.

And so, we'll face this together. As much as it cost you, it cost me double. I've lost leadership, i've had to put up this battle for over a year on my very own, and i've lost you to top it all, with a voice within me that still beats me up day after day. But we will emerge stronger, fiercer, tougher, full of faith and equipped with so much more than before. Don't give up. I'll keep fighting, and you have to as well. Somewhere somehow, i'll be here. Perhaps 3 years later, 4 years, maybe 10 years later, all this will be over. I'll be looking forward.


Sometimes you have to be strong for yourself. You have to know that you’re a good person and a good friend. What’s meant to be will end up good and what’s not - won’t. Love is worth fighting for, but sometimes you can’t be the only one fighting. At times, people need to fight for you. If they don’t, you just have to move on and realize what you gave them was more than they were willing to give you. Hopefully, people realize great things when they come around and not lose something real. Always fight, until you can’t anymore, and then be fought for.
- via runwaytrain.tumblr.com

God, help me pick myself up again.

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10:14 PM