I want to let go.
(and after sitting at the com for 2 hours, those 5 words are still all i can come up with)
I know i havent posted here in a long time because this entire season has just been too personal but i want to come clean and sort of release, you know?
It's about time to move on, and put the past behind. As much as it will kill me and hurt me to do so, but i want to surrender.


I havent cried so much and so hard in a long time. But at the altars today, i broke. I prayed a very simple prayer. Lord, break my heart. Empty me. I never really got a chance to deal with this issue in camp. And today, i refused to budge. I lied to myself, tried convincing myself that 'No, i'm fine. No i'm moving on well. No i'm already letting go. No i've already forgotten. No, i already let God take charge. No, you're not my bondage. I'm not hurting, i'm not hurting.' But God knew better, i knew better. It came to a point of struggling so much that God had to take charge of my feet and literally push me to where i fell on my knees at the altar where i broke into tears. It wasn't an easy 3 months for me, at all. I found myself living in so much fear, living with so much guilt and living in so much pain and hurt. I loved too much, i fought too hard. I cried till my eyes hurt, i cried till i cldn't breathe. And i thank God, admists all the questions, all the fears, ariel, khing, and sistervivi prayed for me. 'Let whatever is broken be healed, right now. It's time.' On my own i cannot, but with God i can, i can. It was uncanny, how sister vivi just knew. She just came over, placed my head on her shoulders and allowed me to wail. I held back previously, i didn't want to sob and wail and seem all needy and vulnerable. But with sister vi i let go, i knew i could. It felt like a huge release, and she prayed over me again - every point hitting the nerves of my heart. Restoration, in God. I love sistervi and rielmae alot.

And it still scares me about what the future might hold for me, and for you. I don't know if i'll ever be able to get over the guilt after what i've put you through. And I don't know if you'll ever forgive me. I dont know if i'll ever forgive me. But i don't want to live this life anymore, i want my life back. I want to serve God with all i have. I want to serve and love God with all of my heart, i want to worship in spirit and in truth and i want to walk in freedom. In short, i want to give God my all, and my best.

I love you alot, you know that? I don't care if a million people are reading. But yes i do love you, and you can bet i still do, after all this time, after more than a year. After all the times about telling you i'd let go of you, after the drama we've been through - i've never really let go of you at all. I love you too much, and that's just the reason why i need to let you go so badly. You were never meant to be mine, i guess. Sure, there are still alot of questions unanswered, a ton of maybe-s, might-have-beens and could-have-beens in my mind.

(Quote from my 7Nov09 post)
The hardest thing to do is to hold on, especially when i knew you've let go. Maybe you'll never be able to understand what you put me through with all the playing of heartstrings, how much you meant to me, how much i struggled with coming clean or how much it has taken me to even get here. You never gave me an answer, and slowly after time passed, this heart just kept bleeding till it bled no more. I'm sorry this had to happen, i really really am. I do wish that I could be cold and emotionless forever because as long as I can feel anything, I’ll feel you. It’s something I don’t want to live with knowing you’re never coming back. Knowing that we might never cross paths or speak another word again really really scares me to death. Trust me, you have no idea. I struggled and fought with God, fought with myself. I could take it, i could have just let it all go over time, let time heal me, and let God do what He has to. I could only pray that one day, one fine day you'll understand why i did all this - because i only did it for you. I couldnt let you continue, i couldnt let myself ruin myself further anymore. I said i'll be there, i'll protect you and fight for you all the way. I still will be. I'm sorry i did not tell you, i was told to do so. But having done this, i have just made the hardest yet the most right decision of my life and whatever i've done never spoke more of the love and care i have for you than this.
Listen. You didn't make a mistake, we did.
And so, we'll face this together. As much as it cost you, it cost me double. I've lost leadership, i've had to put up this battle for over a year on my very own, and i've lost you to top it all, with a voice within me that still beats me up day after day. But we will emerge stronger, fiercer, tougher, full of faith and equipped with so much more than before. Don't give up. I'll keep fighting, and you have to as well. Somewhere somehow, i'll be here. Perhaps 3 years later, 4 years, maybe 10 years later, all this will be over. I'll be looking forward.

Because i remember you saying, our friendship will be stronger than that. I trust you.

But i guess God knew better. I don't need my questions to be answered, i don't need any apology, i don't need anything from you - i just need you to understand. That is really all i ask of you, and of God. I want to start forgiving myself and learning to love myself and love others all over again.


"I've come to realise that we never stop loving the people who leave. We just stop needing them like we used to." I've never stopped, and i doubt i will stop loving you. I'll just stop needing you.

I would say a thousand million sorrys over and over again if i had to. But i'm going to let God take charge. 'God will release you' - rielmae
I am sorry, if it means anything at all.

de a'More ;

9:31 PM