Let's talk about God. (incoherent thoughts, here we go)

Now, where do i start? Should i go on to talk about how great God is, His power, His glory, awesome things He's done for me, or how much i want to thank God? No. Today i want to go somewhere else. I want to be honest to myself, to Him and to all of you.
With the Desert Song on repeat on my iTunes, i can't help but identify with that song, and the inspiration behind that powerful song. It speaks of how God doesnt change even when everything around you changes. The song reminded me of my worship, my time alone, my prayers, my serving - how i knew what i sing, pray, read, trust in are true, but not neccessarily fully understanding it. I think and i still do believe that there's a certain victory in declaring the name of God in our lives, regardless of whether we feel like it or not. It's the quiet confidence and trust that as the sun would rise tomorrow, surely He will come. I am in my dessert, but i'll keep praying and waiting for the triumph that is still on it's way.

Because You are the sovereign God, and (Jeremiah 32:17) nothing is too hard for You, no heart that will be too cold that You cannot warm. I cannot do without Him, i cannot run, i cannot fight, i cannot love, i cannot trust without Him. More than just once or twice, i've come to a realization that I am nothing without God. I don't know how i go about explaining that, but i think most of you how we are just alive and not living without God. There has been such a drawing to God, like my entire being just crying out for God-knows-what. For God i guess?
Along with all the crying out for God, i find myself pointing fingers, blaming people for the state i am in. I find it hard to forgive, up till now. The hurt was just swept under the rug, forgiveness never took place though i convinced myself it did. I know where i am today, how i feel now should be my responsibility to take. But somehow i can't help but still bear that grudge, for the people that tore me down, that reduced me to how i feel like today - how i look at myself with different eyes, how i feel about the people around me, how i cannot seem to fully give my heart and trust that they'll love me for me, how i feel the unforgiveness and hurt became a barrier to how i allowed God to love me and speak to me. Honestly, it came to a point i just 'floated' around. Because of all that happened, i felt like i lost my right to serve, i lost my right to be a fighter for God, i lost my right to be a servant in God's kingdom (which by the way is a downright lie by the way). So good at encouraging people, can't use it for myself huh. I guess we all need some form of release. & I can definitely NOT do it on my own, so i'm going to once again surrender all that has happened to God and allow Him to renew His call, give me a fresh vision and passion and to help me let go.

Letting go doesn’t mean we don’t care. Letting go doesn’t mean we shut down. Letting go means we stop trying to force outcomes and make people behave. It means we give up resistance to the way things are, for the moment. It means we stop trying to do the impossible — controlling that which we cannot and instead, focus on what is possible.

I will lift my eyes
To the maker of the mountains I can't climb
I will lift my eyes
To calmer of the oceans raging wild
I will lift my eyes
To the healer of the hurt I hold inside

Then i prayed to God, to break down walls. It's hard sometimes to fall, especially when there are so many people watching. You get so scared to fall, and to tell people you've fallen. Sometimes it gets so bad you don't even realize you've fallen. Always serving, always giving, always cheering, always supporting, always being strong for others - then you forget how to not be. How to just be vulnerable, just be raw and how to let God do His work when He wants to or needs to, when He has a word for us to hear. We think we know it all, heard all, been there and done that. But forget that we'll always need God and we'll always continue to know more about God day after day, loving Him, growing closer to Him and being more like Him.

So Lord, let this be my prayer. That You will give me a new heart, to love to serve, to give of all that You have given. Bring me on my knees, to allow You to do whatever You please with me. Help me to forgive, learn to trust, learn to love and be humble before You and Your people.


There are still incoherent thoughts floating around, but i guess i'll leave them for a good htht.

de a'More ;

9:27 PM