Falling on my knees in worship,
Giving all I am to seek your face
Lord all I am is yours.

God, is truly God. He really has His very own way of just knowing exactly when you need Him the most, and then He'll bring you on Your knees crying out to Him - and that's also when He'll reveal Himself to you. As the lyrics of the song resounded in my head, i keep repeating the lyrics over and over again. Where has God been in my life? To be honest, painfully, cruel, brutally honest? I have no clue. All i know is, i've been hanging on, trusting, believing and having that faith to know that He's there. That He watches over me, watching my coming and going and He loves me. But i guess after awhile, you just get tired of seeing no result; tired of probably just waiting on something that never comes or playing mind games with yourself to believe in something that seems so hard to believe in. Ha, funny but that's just how i feel. As if i'm running forward, run run run and still running - but i don't see a finish line. Then i get into this whole struggle with God, wanting to give up, feeling dry, running away & going into hiding, praying someday He'll find me again.

And sometimes, maybe it's hard living life as a christian not knowing and feeling His presence.

So today, i guess i'm back here again pointing fingers at God. No, let me correct that now - pointing fingers at myself. For not doing what i needed to, for neglecting this one person that always reaches out to me. I bite His hand and grieve His heart during this time and never realized it. I hate to admit it, but i'm sorry Lord. Sorry for being so stubborn, refusing to allow You into my life and trusting You with it. I'm sorry for allowing school to be so overwhelming and taking control of this life and this mind. I'm sorry for allowing my heart to be divided and not loving you the best. Sorry for letting my heart grow tired weary and numb against You.

I called you answered
And you came to my rescue and I
I wanna be where you arePlease bring me back, to where You are. I missed you so much, i don't even know where to begin. Really. I want to be that child again, i don't want to be all grown up and make decisions. I want you to be the one to lead me and guide me. My mind is now so warped and confused i need You to put it all into perspective again; this time, in Yours. I'm really, tired. Tired. That's all i can think of when it comes to life now. Tiring. I want to find that joy back again, and i think only You will and can satisfy. I want you to reside in me like you used to.

I've kinda found a new self hate. To blame myself for messing all of this up, for trying to fix things on my own and for wrecking my life. Now i don't know how to start picking up the pieces and i don't know how to start mending them and fixing the state i am in. I'm desperate for God but maybe since it's my fault, i'm just going to have to do it all on my own. I need to solve this because i don't want to fall any further, and i can't afford my life to get any worse from here. Why is it i always seem like i have things under control, like i'm this high flyer that is living one crazy good life. Always outgoing, smiling, encouraging, loving, achieving, giving and being hannah. How come no one sees what's beneath? That more often than not, behind every strong girl, behind every extroverted happy girl just lies a very insecure, fragile, sometimes broken and tired heart waiting for someone to protect and love, to realize who we really are and tell us that it's okay? So really, are we all mad?

Dear Lord,
Please take control. You know how much i need this. And after writing my own story for so long, it's time i returned the pen to You and allow You to be the author of my life.
Amen.



de a'More ;

10:49 PM