hannahlove :)

2011-02-20T18:24:00.001+08:00

Because we’re all going to be okay.

Yesterday’s YA event made me think alot about us as a couple, how we’re both leading our lives and the future compared to the world.

Looking at the world and culture now, co-habiting, one-night-stands, touchy feely and P.D.A-ing everywhere is so normal. Afterall, that’s what you do when you’re in love, don’t you? I cannot deny that even in church, sometimes it irks me when i see couples behaving inappropriately and i wonder if they realize that their actions might cause people to stumble and question the basis of their relationship. And if they really treasure their relationship i don't think you'd want people to create a wrng impression of you.

I admit it’s hard, both for girls and guys, to abstain from touchy feely issues, let alone sex. Girls do like the attention sometimes, and for the guys, well they are guys. And however good or godly or nice your boyfriend is, they are still guys. I had a good talk with David and Ken about the issue today and i was so so comforted. I wasn’t looking for perfect answers and for him to tell me ‘oh no, i never tempted before. I never had bad ideas and feelings before’. But instead the honesty behind it.

I know for a fact every guy is challenged in that area, it’s just about how well they protect themselves. And ken, being honest explained his idea of protecting himself and protecting me. It;s true that in army and online there are alot of temptations. But for him, everytime he feels tempted or has thoughts that may not seem so right, his boundary and defense goes up, ensuring that he doesnt give in and fall into the trap. Does it cross his mind? Yes. Is he perfect? No. But i know he tries his best and he does have boundaries for himself and i am proud of him for doing that.

I remember telling David and Delia how much i trust him in this relationship. That for the past 1 year plus we’ve been together, never did i have to worry if he ever haboured wrong thoughts about me. Even when we’re alone, i can tell it from the fact that he wouldn’t cuddle with me or get touchy with me on the couch and all. Not because it is wrong, but by doing that he knows he will get tempted and as a result, he chooses to protect me, respect me and love me by not getting into the act. Even when i try my luck, push his limits and test him - lets say go closer to him, make some skin contact, talk to him; he will actually back away. And i am glad my testing proved me so.

That is who i call a man that loves me, respects me and protects me. In the culture today it is really hard to find men like that. Even the nicest man, when put to test for lust and sexual pleasures, usually fail. And it’s normal, not saying its bad. It is normal. But the difference is that the good guys bother, bother to protect their women, themselves and have a basic respect for the party. And i am so appreciative of that. I look into his eyes, and i see all i love i’d really need in the future. I look forward to our lifetime together, to explore and understand one another better. And everyday with him and God is a good day into the future together. It’s so important that we have this trust going on and i am happy.

I hope those that attended the YA event yesterday had something to take away, especially if you are attached and want to live pure and blamelessly and have God to bless your relationship, perhaps you and your boyfriend could have a good talk. Be honest with yourselves. Face it girls, we do enjoy the attention and the touch from the males, but it doesnt honor God. And we need to protect our men. Don’t spoil the relationship too early in the relationship. Be honest with yourselves and check your motives. I assure you if you honor God in the relationship, He will honor and bless the relationship.

All the best everyone.
I know we’re going to be okay.

2011-02-09T19:33:00.000+08:00

God's Perfect WillBy Pastor Steven Furtick:

Everyone desires to be in God’s will. Sometimes we even talk about wanting to be in the perfect will of God.

But God’s perfect will might not look like what you think it should. We need to clear up what we mean by perfect. Otherwise we could completely miss out on God’s will altogether because we’ll be too busy chasing daydreams.

Our idea of perfect is perfect to us.

A perfect day to you might mean everything is going the way you think it should go.

A perfect marriage to you might be one that’s easy and stress-free.

A perfect job to you might be one where you’re high on the leadership pyramid and banking loads of cash.

Those aren’t bad things, but they’re not necessarily perfect to God. That matters because what’s perfect to God is perfect for us. God’s will for you is to become everything He dreamed you to be so that you might glorify Him the way He deserves to be. And that doesn’t necessarily happen through easy circumstances or perfect conditions.

God’s will doesn’t have to be perfect to me to be perfect for me.

If you need proof of this, just take a brief glance at the Bible:

God’s will for Job wasn’t perfect to him. He lost everything. But it was perfect for him. It brought him to a whole new level of faith and positioned him for a greater blessing later in his life.

God’s will for Joseph wasn’t perfect to him. He landed in slavery and prison for over a decade. But it was perfect for him. Through him, God saved his family and an entire nation.

God’s will for Paul probably didn’t seem perfect to a lot of people. Few men have ever suffered so much for the gospel. But it was perfect for him. Few men have ever spread the gospel so vastly in their lifetime.

God’s will for Jesus didn’t seem perfect to his disciples. In the garden of Gethsemane, even He didn’t want it. But it was perfect for him. He defeated and humiliated sin on the cross. Then conquered death in the resurrection. And thereby provided salvation to the whole world.

God’s will for you might not always seem perfect to you. But trust me, His will is perfect for you.

The job you hate right now might not seem perfect to you. But through it God is perfectly developing your character, patience, and faithfulness.

That relationship you just lost might not seem like God’s perfect will to you. But the person God is clearing space for and has been preparing you for your entire life is perfect for you.

The disease you’re battling right now might not seem perfect to you. But God could use your pain as a platform for the gospel to reach countless people. And He’s putting you in the perfect position to comfort others.

That doesn’t make it easy. But it does make it meaningful. Purposeful. Worth it.

It makes it perfect for you.

2011-02-07T00:18:00.002+08:00

06.02.11

[copied and pasted from my tumblr]

Happy 365 days to you ken boy (: Heres to 365 days i wouldnt have had without you.

From the post yesterday about the whole argument, i now have a totally different concept of it and this is another step to growing into the woman God wants me to be in this relationship.

After the entire celebration was over, sister kimmy and i sent ken back to camp as usual. After he was off, we took a drive around our area and she offered to talk about stuff (this is how awesome his family is). I unloaded all of it unto her and being a leader and mature lady, she offered me alot of new insights that i feel like ive gained so much and understood things so much clearer.

As girls, whether we are simple girls or not, all desire to be loved and romanced in a way. But we got to face it that sometimes, every man has flaws, and i guess it just takes a little pacing, especially if we are going to be in it for a long term relationship. Yes every guy should take the effort to plan for special occassions, make the girl feel loved, be responsible lalalalalal, we all know the rules. But i guess sometimes when something goes wrong, we tend to forget all the good that they actually do and we decide to kick in to bitchy mode and pick a fight. And i am guilty of that, sometimes.

But i learnt that in a relationship, we should choose the battles we fight because that will go a long way. I intend to marry this man, fyi. And if we are about to pick any random fight, we will die, and we both dont want it to die. Compromise is neccessary because at the end of the day, kimmy reminded me that even the oldest couples married and all do have random alarm tones to remind them to 'sms wife'. Guys need reminders and different guys are gifted in different ways. They show love in different ways that are sometimes not what we would like to receive. And i'm not asking that we as girls just compromise, but as a couple, we meet halfway. I compromise abit, and you work hard abit. Every effort counts and goes a long way (:

Ken, is a great great great guy. He goes through things no one would have to go through. [censor stuff cos this is not a private blog unlike my tumblr] He really has overcome so many battles. Though he's still fighting some of the battles, but i know in the midst of it, thrugh how he reacts, how he carries himself, how people associate with him, he is an AMAZING guy. He may not be the best at planning amazing things and being all crazy romantic and stuff like that, but he is the most sincere trustworthy nice and kind guy i have ever met. He's responsible in his own way and has his own special way of making you feel secure in his simple love. While people in the army are paying one another for food, he doesnt even think of profit. While people are judging others, hes the first to lend a hand to give a second chance. While its hard to trust men and guys in our generation nowadays, he has the utmost respect for women and himself as a male figure. Tell me 3 times u see him with another girl, or 3 times u see him in a club, or 3 times u say u hear him swear - i will still trust him. If you know him personally, you will know what i mean. He.is.amazing. And i was assured of that fact when leaders who walk through this r/s with me tell me i've really met a good guy and for the fact that his own sister will say i am very proud of my brother and i think u've really got a good guy.

And so, i don't really care what happens from here. I dont really care if our first year anniversary ended good or bad, what matters is that i spent it with him and it's another year together looking forward, ready for new challenges, ready for new breakthroughs together.

I am really thankful for this guy who bothers to follow up on me with a call, and take time on this day to pray for us and commit back the relationship onto God who is the centre and who always had His hand upon us. I thank God that ken isn't one to pray for ME, but instead to pray for himself to be a better man, to learn, to grow and never pointing fingers at me for anything. I am thankful that he commits this whole thing to God because that shows how serious this whole thing is to him and i need to always be reminded of that.

It really is a happy first year. And i'm thankful, even for the little.
I love you ken (:

2011-01-19T18:10:00.003+08:00

So two pieces of good news: FYP IS FINALLY OVER, and BOYFRIEND IS ALSO BACK FROM BRUNEI. MISERABLE DAYS ARE NOW GONEEEEEEE~ Yayness.

Whipped up a coupla handy home-cooked dishes for the boyfriend today since he was bugging to eat it even before he left for Brunei, and i figured it’d be a good way to reward him. Afterall they say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach? Hehehe <3>

Looking forward to tmr, get my specs fixed and hopefully drink WOWO tmr :D Life is officially good. But i don't wanna graduate ):

2011-01-04T19:05:00.003+08:00

I miss that boy.

2010-12-25T22:19:00.004+08:00

It's Christmas.

Well. I must say, i had a splendid christmas.
I know there was an explosion of joy on twitter, facebook and everywhere else. Then again, also on twitter and facebook there happen to be alot of people that are going through hard times and not really getting into what Christmas is all about. It makes me feel bad that i am happy this Christmas. Makes me feel like i'm supposed to be sad in a way to fit everyone else, being here for the people and telling them 'i understand and im gg thru this too', and extend compassion to them. In short, just be there and emo with them. Then again, when you're happy it kind of just flows outta you and you just .. am happy.

But you know why i am? Because it's been such a rough season, rough year, rough everything - with school, friends, family and relationship. Everything that went wrong has went wrong. But in this time of the year, everything seemed to come together perfectly. Afterall, i never had a 'honeymoon' cos as soon as we got together, in less than 3 months i sent my man on his way to army which posed as an entirely different challenge, on top of the passing of grandpa, results day and all that other nonsense, it's been an emotional up and down on top of juggling things like school, results, graduation, family, friends and everything else. I don't think anyone would have understand how horrible things got to a point i lost all hope in things turning better. Stopped asking for a miracle, stopped believing.

But this Christmas i finally understand what christmas is all about in the first place - His love. And His love has been manifested in so many ways this year. Through the challenges i've faced, it's only made life more interesting and made relationships so much more worth keeping. Sure i've complained and moaned and groaned, but in the end God loves me enough to bring everything together perfectly. And i might not be in the most festive mood this Christmas, but i truly am happy for the time i get to spend with my family over christmas, having time from block leave to do thing si've always wanted to with K, spending time with my friends over xmas writing cards and baking for them, school awesomeness and everything. It's not about all the bad things, but rather see the good things. The year hasnt been fantastic, but im determined to make it end off perfectly.

And i guess one thing i love most about this Christmas, is that it is filled with love. From everyone. You lose some, you win some. I have lost, but i also have gained. I've learnt to see who are the friendsthat matter. I've gained a new relationship with my family. I'm at a different level altoegther in my relationship with K. It's everything i ever wanted this Christmas.

I just wish this all wouldnt end, even after today. It feels abit like a dream i dreamt up. When tomorrow and the next week comes, it's going to be back to reality. Bf's gna be in Brunei training his butt off for 2+ weeks with no contact whatsoever, we're all going back to our busy lives in school which means lesser time for family and friends. And i get scared. But then again, im going to put in m bit of effort to make this work. It has to, and it will.

So smile friends. When you're at your worst, thats where things can't go any further and it can only go upwards. Remember, what's worth having is worth fighting for.

With love on this Christmas,
Me.

Testimonies,

2010-12-02T20:14:00.003+08:00

Finally some time for some proper updates, or rather the kind of post i'm posting today is worth finding time for.

Praise God. That's all i have to say. Praise God.
Indeed His hand and favour has always been upon my life, through the ups and downs i never thought i would have made it this far. And it is definitely not 'by luck' as the world would say, but i know God's hand has been in this since the beginning.

Testimonies are such a bunchful i don't know where to start. Let's just talk about the two pressing issues - FYP & Portfoilio Development.
Well so part two of FYP has started, and lucky or not, i was assigned to the Coffee Table Book team, which just has to come up with a Coffee Table Book for a diploma exhibiton at Scape on the 17-20th Dec. Simple? No. We're the only team that needs to find sponsors, real sponsors to fund the printing of the Coffee Table Book (1oocopies). In school, you're not supposed to find sponsors you know? You're just supposed to execute your projects. So tell me, in 1 month, and what more it's year end (company budgets are usually closed by then), where are you to find sponsors? Deadline is today, like LITERALLY today to find sponsors before we actually go beggng people for money. Yes i am dead serious. And we have our very 'nice' advisor telling us that if we don't get the book out, we fail FYP and retain one semester just to re-do FYP.

BUT HERE COMES THE MIRACLE.
Just yesterday (remember today's the deadline), my uncle called and said his friend is willing to give us the Gold sponsorship (which covers more than half of our budget). On top of the money Brother Dick (thank God for him too) sponsored, we were only $500 away from our goal. I called my other team leader and told her the good news of Gold. She then told me that she got another $500 dollars! SO WE MET OUR GOAL! And then she continued that there were MORE COMING IN! God gave us MORE THAN WHAT WE NEEDED. And He is such an awesome God! So praise Him!

It was definitely another reminder of God's faithfulness. In the midst of the tears and panic attacks from some of my team members, i kept positive and claimed in faith that WE WILL GET MONEY. I knew very clearly that God definitely doesn't have intentions to fail me but instead bless me. I kept to my end, and God to His. I am a walking testimony of God's faithfulness and favour upon those who love Him and do His work.

BUT THERE'S MORE!!

Today was portfolio presentation.
Honestly i was worried, like mad worried because unlike my friends i don't have talents for drawing and designing, neither am i fantastic in music or theatre. But i only had one thing - commitment towards God and the church. So while all my friends were scattering to find things to put in their portfolio, by faith i just put down and documented all the productions i've done so far over the past year. It was really a step of faith because i understood how much the Arts scene doesn't really give allowance for religious activities and projects in church dont really count as vocational experience. But still, i went ahead. I was worried and ken told me God will not shortchange me. I've sown so much into Ignyte through all the productions, God will not let the talents He's given me go to waste. So i just went for the final submission and landed up at Oral Defense today - which determines if u graduate or not.

Everyone entered the room, hopeful, and when they came out, hopes dashed. Freaked me out totally and really got me a little panicky.. When it was finally my turn i entered the room to see two smiling assessors. I started giving a brief of my work and etc.. Susprisingly, everything went okay except for a few stupid things like how the file looked and stuff. No questions. No shooting or massecre. Instead, they spoke to me on a personal note and told me that they believed in my potential because of my academics and expected more from me. I didn't see it as criticism but instead an encouragement. I left the room feeling good about the grading. Though it was all church work and all, i thank God for His favour with the assessors that they didn't make a fuss and accepted it the way i gave it to them.

I really couldn't have done this without God. Really. And i am just almost overwhelmed with the depth of his love and grace upon my life. Thank You Lord, for everything You have given.

Lord, save us

2010-11-10T11:45:00.003+08:00

I woke up this morning as usual, feeling the most safe and secure in my PJs.
Then the first thing i heard this morning was, 'jie, there was another slashing case at bukit panjang'.
First thing that bolted into my mind - is it another youth case?

Just 2 days ago i remember taking a walk downstairs with ken saying how much i love my neighbourhood (ours rather), because it was so safe and cosy and just small and comfy. It so happened bukit panjang isn't that far away from our vacinity.

I hopped on my way to school and picked up The New Paper, and on the headlines it read
'PARANG RAMPAGE' - Gang of six youths in Bukit Panjang laugh as they slash victim's back and legs. THen they attack group of boys playing street soccer neary.
My heart literally sank. Tears welled up in the corners of my eye as icontinued to read the detailed report given. 14-20 years of age. Gangs. Victims. Innocent. These are youths our age. They're not just anyone. They're one of us. And then it just smacked right in my face that this is a wake up call. It saddens me to know that there are so many people, youths, people like us, that need to know God. WE NEED GOD. This has been the thousand and one youth related attack since god-knows-when. And that's not it. Suicides, murder, rape and so many more. Do you guys realize how serious and sad this is?

This generation needs God. I cry out, God! Save us! I guess there's not much we can do to help anyone, but i know that we can pray. We can be the salt and light and lend a heart and a helping hand to the people who are in need. You never know, they might be the ones you see on your wya to school everyday, or the people you serve food to, just anyone. Right now, it's really time for us to rise up, pray. Not just pray, but WAR for this generation. I hope you guys join me on this, for God's love to be revealed and for His glory to come down on us.

Lord, save us.

You're Beautiful,

2010-10-17T20:44:00.004+08:00

{edit 27/10/10}
Look, i've left the post here for 10 days already. Well done.

17 Oct 2010
Must say i didn't have exactly the best of the best week this week, but again, God never fails to remind me of His faithfulness and His magnificence that He is in all, through all and over all (eph 4:6)

School started last week, gave me a whole lot of mixed feelings - butterflies in my tummy, panic and anxiety attacks and sometimes lead to random moodswings and a pretty much irritable mood.

Suddenly i'm bombared with questions from facilitators about where i'm heading after poly, all suggesting i should get started planning which course to study in University - as if they were confident that i'll maintain my GPA and actually make it to uni in the first place. Then portfolio's submission is in like another week's time and i'm barely done with it. It kind of feels like my entire life has been giving and surrendered back to this thing called 'SCHOOL'.

Ministry wise, i realize that yes i am graduating - after what seemed like forever serving and being part of Ignyte Ministry. Being through so many many transitions, i felt like i've grown along with Ignyte and it's changes, and pulling through all of them only proves how God has been moving in and through Ignyte.

2 Samuel 24:25 "David built an altar to the Lord there and sacrificed burnt offerings and fellowship offerings. Then the Lord answered prayer on behalf of the land, and the plague on Israel was stopped."

*okay i realize it's 9pm and i dont have time to blog much, i'll come back later.*

Fast forward and later has become 10 days later. That's how crazy busy i have been. Portfolio submission's tmr and there's just been 1001 things to do on top of that including work-my-butt-off by giving tuition, B&Js and Manna Bookshop, FYP Meetings, Portfolio, readings for weekly classes and thinking about the future.

I think there were a couple of times i just had to break down and let it all out. Feelt so suffocated and invisible at home as though everyones so occupied with their own lives no one's noticing the ones hurting. K called one night and i cried immediately. But all it took was the half an hour of 'in-camp-talk' to make someone as invisible as me feel noticed and special when there's someone to tell you it's alright to not be okay because that's who he loved me for. And then when i finally saw him, ice cream, sweet treats and long walks filled the night. Special times with sister candy is loved too, thank you if you're seeing this! I guess she's right, sometimes i put too much pressure on myself to be what people tell me to be. I take the weight of people's words and expectations and place them on my own shoulder. That sucks, it really just .. sucks. Gotta work on it hannah lee!

But i guess what Bro.Kaf shared during SP Lcell this week was apt. How Jacob struggled with 'God' in the cave until God blessed him. That he never gave up clinging onto God even know he knew that without even lifting a finger God would have overpowered him. Sometimes in our walk with God, we do face the down times when we our faith gets challenged, when God seems 'silent', or when He isn't 'speaking'. During those times, do we focus on Him more, hunger more for Him, or do we just let things go and say I GIVE UP. Are we ready to hear what God has to say to us, or during the silent moments is God training our ears to listen out for His soft and still voice? Putting a challenge to Ignyte, i guess God is sifting out the faithful. Ultimately, we aren't going to be judged on how many people we have in Ignyte, but the number of souls that will stay grounded and found in Him even when the earth shakes.

God reminded me of the verse above last week, about building an altar to the Lord. He brought me back and reminded me that yes i am called. I am to stand in the gap to intercede for this generation, for Ignyte ministry, for my life. That everyday, i will build an altar to the Lord. In the verse, they used the word 'there'. I'd like to interpret that it means the altar doesnt isnt just restricted to the chapel altars, in church. It means that wherever we are, that is our altar. I don't know how else to elaborate on what an altar can mean, but yeah. Again i am out of time );

So cheer up world! Put on some fighting gloves and let's all go for it. We're in this together! (:

2010-10-08T13:46:00.002+08:00

Really giving all the glory and praise to God for everything He has done and given me so far. First it was breakthrough in the family, then Ken, then it was a renewing of His calling and falling in love with God all over again. Then 2 days ago i got my results, 4As and a B+ which totally came abit by surprise because judging from the start of school, i didn’t think it would turn out this well. Roll of honors came second time in a row, which i’m also very thankful for (:

AND THEN .. Today class allocations were out. And THANK GOD, i’m in the smaller class with almost 0 chance of conflict and politics and backstabbing due to the nice harmless nature of this semester’s classmates. DTA’s really like family, and i’m kind of excited to go back to school to work my butt off alongside my friends (: It’s also a 3 day week (monday, thursday and friday) which means i can still find time to earn extra pocket money by scooping and finding enough time to rest and do my work/assignments if any too (:

I like how God has had everything in control ever since i set foot into RP. I knew in the beginning i resisted coming to RP, i was angry with God angry with myself and just refused to belive that this is where i would florish. But i did. From year 1’s good results and classes, to year 2 where He taught me new and precious lessons and in year 3 when everything needs to be grounded the most - i’m glad i’m grounded in Him (:

If there’s anything, i’d just like to say God honors those who choose to honor Him first. I’ve sacrificed internships, productions and etc to serve in church and attend service and cell week in week out. It might be a big sacrifice esp in the industry i’m majoring in, but it will and has been worth it.

All glory to God! (:

2010-10-03T22:57:00.005+08:00

WORD INTENSIVE AND EXPLOSION OF LOVE AHEAD:

And so .. I'm happy, really really happy. Things have never looked so good in a long time. Whether it's my walk with God, calling, family, friends or relationships. But just for today, let me talk about Ken.

A-R-M-Y, to some spells disaster. To most, we hear them say it's almost impossible to make it through army and be 'together forever'. We hear of how people fall apart so easily because of this 4 letter word. But i'm glad, our relationship isn't going to be one of them.

I know, it's been a challenge. In the initial stages, you have to cope with that physical lack of that person you love suddenly detached from you. What's worst is being thrown into a place filled with danger and madmen who bark at you, yell at you and treat you like slaves all day long. It's scary when you have no idea how the surrounding's like for your man 5 days in a week, and it makes you feel outta control and mad insecure. THen after that, you start to find that you have to fight for his time, and on his part he'll have to start prioritizing and managing his time well. In my case, i love that my boyfriend takes his family and friends seriously and loves them enough to set aside specific times of the day for them and for me as well. That's something about him i'm really proud of. The way he speaks about his mom and spending time with her and dad was always a priority. But in 2 days out of a week, divide them and how much time do you actually get all to yourselves? So compromises are made. The worst part of it all is, sometimes as guys in the army, they tend to lose themselves. Not literally, but i guess they get caught up thinking that everyone else kind of owes it to them because they're always working so hard and they're the ones that need the support and everything else and neglect the needs of the people around them.

I've been screaming for someone to notice me for the past, 2 months maybe? Screaming for him to notice that yes although i know for a matter of fact that he loves me, but sometimes i feel i do too much. And there he is, sometimes subconsciously and unintentionally taking me for granted. Well, good news is, i don't have to anymore.

Ever since last week, i felt like he finally understood. It was as if God just shot it to him. Over the few days, i felt like this boy, grew and flourished into a man that i can rely on. As i walked in silence, fitted right under his arms where i felt i belonged, i looked up to this guy, and just felt secure. No longer the guy that's lost and insecure, or caught up, or wondering a million whys - but the guy that's now ready to do whatever it takes for us to make it through to our forever. The guy that will pull me to his side, not out of habit, but for the very fact that "i(he) want to keep you(me) close to me, so that you(me) can't run away and no one's going to drag you(me) away". I knew he meant it just that way. In the simplicity of his mind, he just meant it literally that being close to me would mean being close forever.

It must have been God, or something. You know? He gave Ken that special friday on the 1st Oct 2010 off, and i had him over for a spectacular lunch that even i myself was surprised by. Even though we were'nt alone in the house, it seemed and felt like in his eyes, my sister and others didnt matter - only i existed and in mine, i only saw him. I laid on the couch, looking up to him as we talked. It felt like the kind you'd read in books and watch in movies? Except that i wasn't the female lead. I wasn't some pretty girl, demure and had guys falling at my heels. Instead i was a stubborn, not so pretty, not so perfect, not so demure, not so fashionable, hot tempered sometimes, with a fierce looking face kind of girl. I never felt like i should be protected, because i was independent and strong like i was taught to. I led. This time, though it felt uncomfortable at first, i felt like i could really let myself go and rely on someone, treated like a baby and just being .. loved and led instead.

We had dinner at KFC, of all places instead of romantic casual dining restaurants like NewYork NewYork, Sakae Sushi or MOF. We had a buddy's meal (a couple's meal i'd like to call it), had our fingers and mouths greased with a film of oil from the delicious sinful fried chicken. Since there were only us, he made the orders. And i forgot to tell him that i cldnt drink coke or pepsi cos of the caffiene in it so i text him and said no coke, either 7-up or mountain dew or orange juice or F&N or somthing. He brought back both 7-up AND mountain dew and told me to take the pick. Without thinking much i settled for mountain dew. Then at night before i slept i realized, he doesnt even drink either of them. He usually goes for the iced tea or green tea or some non gassy thing. Thoughfulness of his melted me, though a simple act.

At cell, i sat in his room - feeling like i havent belonged there ever since that 'incident'. We brought 7yearold carissa down to play sparkles and make heart shapes out of candles. He carried her in his arms and we took turns with the sparkles. Felt warm all over. Back in the room, i felt disappointed over some friend issue. Really bummed and totally depressed to the brink of tears as i thought about what happened that friday. He sat there in silence, as disappointed and sad as i was. But then to my surprised, like that i read in Jodi Picoult's novels, he picked up my hands in his, held them and said 'Look at me.' I lifted my eyes to meet his and he managed a smile and said 'You still have me, okay? I'm with you'. I felt a heat rush to my eyes and my heart raced. I tried to force a smile, but just turned away and said a thank you that almost sounded whimper-ish.

That was how my children's day ended. On Saturday, i worked. And still felt bummed over whatever happened amongst my friends. He text and said 'Dont worry about a thing, i've got it all sorted out.' I felt like finally there was some control over this mess. I really stopped worrying and trusted his words, and true enough, everything became okay. We usually agree to keep our hands off one another around our friends in case people felt uncomfortable. Okay let me rephrase. Its not like we touch one another alot okay, but just like no holding hands, or like no waist holding and hair sweeping and other stuff couples do. But that day, haha, he grabbed me and forced his hands to lock with mine. At night when we finally got to be alone he said 'Do you know why i like to hold girlfriend's hand? Because then im telling al the other guys: SHES MINE'.

Today, he was naughty in the morning. He decided to just wake up early and come over hoping to catch me in my PJs and messy hair - just to pass me a book. Luckily the moment he said wake up im coming over, i jumped out of bed and washed up as quickly as i could and fixed my morning breath. In addition, i jumped all over him and i think almost sffocated him when i saw him. It wasnt the book i recieved from him, but it was just his presence there. We didn't see one another the rest of the day and he called after he booked in from camp. We got to talk about the happy week.

"I felt like there was a break through, like im really happy and like genuinely happy. I know like honestly for the past weeks we've been having our ups and downs and quarreling and talking aboout lots of stuff like that. But now i understand how it feels like when you're just so happy and blssed being with someone and seeing them so happy. And i love it seeing the fruits of my labour when i see that smile on your face. All i can say is that i love you, and that im really really happy. I'll always fight for you, just like how you've fought for me. "

Haha, and ladies do you know? He asked me out on a proper date. It isnt the first time, but well it counts! He told me to block out my Sunday next week, and just allow him to take me to places. I didnt have to do a thing but tell everyone i'm not free on the weekend. And he said it was for our very special 8th, that we will spend once again in the army ): But i'm sure he'll make up for it, because he already did. It's enough.

As we hung up, i felt that kind of reluctance in his voice to say goodbye and all i heard was 'i love you, i love you. You're special, and precious'.

Really, what more can i ask for? This is love, i thought to myself.
Thank You God, You make all things new and perfect again.

I love you Ken Chua.

-End-

2010-09-26T17:09:00.005+08:00

And so i'm back, finally with time and something meaningful to actually be blogging about :D

On the 23rd September 2010, Ken turned 19, finally :D Since he was in camp, i figured might as well do an entire weekend of celebrations as a way to show him how much of a fuss i am willing to kick up for him <3> :O :O :O Hahaha, no im not exaggerating.

Friday night was spent like that as i ended the day of passing him his present, a Guess watch (: Pretty much explains why i've been scooping so crazy much over the past month in order to earn $$$$ for this weekend, on top of the room painting that was done in late august less than a month ago :X But i guess seeing him smile like that, it was all worth it.
Saturday was rather spoiler, was really looking foward to the mega gathering with Ken's family and his funny crazy cousins and cute aunties and uncles but due to some miscommunication we both thought it was cancelled and ended up having no plans on a Satuday night! It was sad. But then again, Sunday made up for it :D :D :D

So today, after work at Manna i brought him to Holland V, where a couple of his close friends (alot backed out last minute) were at Everything With Fries. It was just the most awesome time of fellowship talking and laughing about marriages guys and girls and the army and what not. Just perfect, and the smile on his face was priceless (:

Really thank and appreciate all the friends and ppl (especially my deliagoh) for making all of this possible by lending a hand in any way be it shopping, turning up, playing along for surprises and stuff like that. It really wouldnt have been successful without ya'll (: So thanks alot and thank God for the blessings He has given to both me and Ken.

Did i also mention worship ex on Saturday was awesome and powerful too? Im glad that somehow God allowed us to stay through service on Saturday without any distractions where it was just a time of seeking His face. For me, it was more of like renewing my heart and hearing His clear call over my life & a pouring out of fresh anoiting again. In the midst of worship ex, i found myself just drawing near to the Father's heart and praising and giving Him all the thanks He rightfully deserves (: Indeed He has been good. And cell with sister candy was different, but really something we all neeeded. With those few words, she placed into perspective so many things i didn't understand, and so many thoughts and confusion all cleared. It was powerful time of sharing and recieving at the same time so i felt really .. glad, happy? Mm can't find the right words to being to describe what God has been doing in my life, so im just ____.

Haha, okay i'm home on a sunday evening now to take care of my siblings and the house cos my parents are out on a 25th anniversary hot date :D Hehehehe, loved my week. Oh top it all off, Ken's mumzee came back from Canada last week :D Besides the happy fact that she's back, she got me a pretty Fossil wallet, necklaces and blouses. How sweet (': Now, i just want payday to seriously come soon! >:(

2010-08-30T21:37:00.003+08:00

“Cinderella walked on broken glass, Sleeping beauty let her whole life pass by, Belle fell in love with a beast, Pocahontas risked her life for a feast, Jasmine could have had anyone but she chose a poor man, and Ariel, she walked on land.”

So many people dislike fairytales because it makes us believe in love, believe that a prince will swoop down and save us when something goes wrong. But I’ve come to realise that in every fairytale-like movie, every girl took a risk. Took a risk for love, took a risk in the name of love. So, how do we know if our own fairytale won’t really happen if we don’t try, if we stop believing in love?

I know it’s hard for some of you/us to put down their guard and to learn to trust someone else sometimes. I know because I’ve been through it, trust me. People like us, we distance ourselves from people we genuinely like just because we are afraid to get hurt. But does building up these walls ultimately saves us from hurting?

It doesn’t.

I think all us girls will have to come to a point where we decide whether we've met that someone special enough to take that risk, to take a leap of faith to trust again in this thing called love. I did. Sure, i'm happy, beyond happy all thanks to God's faithfulness, grace and love that covered me and ken all this while. I'm not saying we haven't met our downs, we definitely have - and the army has been one of them. I remember when he first enlisted, i felt llike i couldn't do it. 1 month down the road, i wondered if it was just me that was still struggling with it. Then looking back, it's already been four months! We've come so far (': I thank God for his grace and His goodness and blessings, placing K at Mandai ever so near to the two of us, the YOGs though tiring but had it's use too, us living just a few km away from one another, for great 'in-laws' (as i'd like to call them) that always take good care of me and for a boy that loves me and treasures me ever so much i am sometimes speechless because i've never imagined someone like me to have recieved this much love from someone so magical.

I guess we're different, yet we are one and the same. We compliment one another with our differences and we treasure the similarities. I wear my heart on my sleeves, i say what i want to and i express love in various forms whatever i like and whenever. He is shy as ever, and when it comes to things close to his heart, because it is close to his heart, he's a personal personal fella. And i'm growing to appreciate that part of him, because afterall, this love is between us both. So WHO CARES! :D HEHEHE. Okay whatever. I just had a good time alone with God just now, and i'm happy okay?!

We'll leave that TAWG to another day. I'm tired, my hand is aching and my wrist kind of hurts from scooping today ): So goodnight!

2010-08-26T10:22:00.004+08:00

Need to escape from this place, need to put my heart to rest, need to stop fighting for things that always elude me, need to just run far away and throw all these worries and fears to a place where i can't see them.

No, the week has been horrible. And i've got a feeling it'll only get worst. Save me from this insanity. Is it time to stop expecting, and just keep giving hoping someday it'll all be worth it?

I can't do this anymore..

2010-08-24T20:48:00.004+08:00

Today's the 200th day ken and i've spent together being one (:
Feels so .. short. Hahaha, 200 days just passed us by like that. I shall not go on with our love story and how happy we've been and blah blah, i think people know that when they see us or know us personally. It doesnt have to be all over facebook (though i like to do that) to know that us both are truly happy kids together (': We sure had ups and downs just like every other couple, but i'm glad we only grew stronger and stronger after each victory, after which fight.

So, spending both our 100th and 200th with him in the army with no bookout whatsoever, it's another challenge. And since he already planned the whole 100th thing before he even enlisted, left me speechless and wanting to outdo him (not in a challenge way), but just because i want him to know that i love him too. THUS, i decided to .. repaint his room. His poorly painted (i only realized after i got down to te painting), dull blue room. Oh did i mention it was a secret? Sought permission from his mom back in July, and had sister kim to open the doors for me and keep it a secret too :P

It.was.a.daunting.almost.impossible.task the moment i stood in his room, faced with a sudden realization that ohmygosh i have no white base paint, no sticks to mix paint, one less thing to hold paint in ( i had 3 colours ), only 3 of us (delia, fabian and me) and the initial painting looked like it was going to fail anytime. The rollers were too heavy and my arms felt like giving way, especially after scooping just a few hours ago last night. If you know me, you'd know my arms are almost useless, stregnth 2 out of 10. To stand the whole day, climbing up ladders, and reaching up to paint ALL the edges and do double coating on all the walls almost really killed me. Nat dropped by abit later and helped us dead girls out with the painting too. We were done by about 535pm, had to vaccumm and hardcore mop the floor too shift back all the furniture into the room.
Then i realized .. wow. Stunning. It was a feat, and we did it all by ourselves, start to end. The colours matched perfectly, including ken's priced pretty professional photographs. He'll only be back tonight, i hope he wouldnt be too tired to notice hahaha. Oh and we left our handprints at the side of the wall for a good fun. Fabian took most of the photos, so we'll wait to upload in case we spoil the surprise.

So happy 200th sweetheart (: I hope you like it, happy boy.
But right now, gosh my arms and legs are falling apart and i can barely move. {edit 25aug201o}

2010-08-20T11:42:00.003+08:00

HAHAHA, can't help it. Saw a few photos on facebook that dated all the way back to 2008.

This was on an Ikea trip last year. Hehehe!

Burger shack 2009!

2008! :O First couple photo ah.

HORHOR KEN CHUA! >:(

I've been around him so long now i don't even remember when we actually met! Always surprises me how this 1 person i've spent almost my entire church life with would also end up to be that one person i'll fall head over heels in love with. HEHEHE, okay i love my boyfriend. Goodbye!

2010-08-15T23:00:00.003+08:00

Had the best/worst week so far. Ohwell, make that the best week because what matters is the end isn't it?

God is good! Okay, i'm just saying. And it dawned upon me that again, God will take care of us when we take care of Him. He doesnt need us to, because He is God - but we should, because, He is God. Simple.

Had a great morning at work with Fabian today, great great morning filled with laughter and much heart to heart, then spent a nice afternoon at my aunt's place being filled with love from the family and comfort. Then dinner with K was another best, long walks and sharing jellies and books was just perfect. He came up to drop my folks a visit and then off to supper with Nat which was awesome. P.S It always feels nice to be around the 2 guys i love and protect the most yo :D Just waiting for him to be done with uploading the cute photo i took of them at Macs hehehe. The week's going to be just as good, i can just feel it! Monday to Wed training to be a B&Js scoooopy! Meeting the girls to shop, Val to tan and secret mission 101 accomplishment soooooon :D Woohoo. Yay for packed week and busy hannah!

Okay, i'm done. I'm happy, i'm contented. And i love God. He is good.

2010-08-14T22:21:00.004+08:00

I thank God for cell and service today. It was probably the most apt service and cell of the year and of this season in my life, just wished K was there to hear it with me. God did a good work today, so get ready.

Today was one of the days i went to church because i wanted to, because i needed to take a break, because i just wanted to seek His face. So with just that abit of excitement and expectation to get to see my fellow leaders again (don't know how impt they are to me), i brought a smile into the chapel. During prayer and that short time of just simple worship, God spoke to my heart and ministered to me. That presence was more tangible than any other hyped up service or power packed preaching. It was just between me and God. With nothing and no one else, just one guitar strumming away on the melody of The Heart Of Worship, God .. broke me, and then he filled me.

When the music fades
And all is stripped away
And i simply come
Longing just to bring something thats of worth
That will bless your heart

As i sang the lyrics to the song, God stripped everything away. All the tiredness, weariness, all the defences, the warped emotions, every form of anger and negative emotions. Then i realized that as we reached the chorus, that it was all about Him. And right there and then, all i wanted to do was to go back to the heart of worship. What Khing said was true, sometimes we just sing songs and we never think about what we really sing and claim what we sing as a prayer or maybe a victory. So as we entired into a posture of worship, Gavin started to strum the chords to a song so familiar - Still.

Hide me now
Under your wings
Cover me
Within Your mighty hand

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with you above the storms
Father You are King over the flood
I will be still,
and know You are God

Find rest my soul
In Christ Alone
Know His power
In quietness and trust

Just as i was typing these lyrics out a few seconds ago, i heard so audibly God saying 'I am here, and i've always been.' (thank you God) Again, the song, with no special effects, no lights, no drums, no powerful worship singers, no nothing - spoke to me like never before. The song speaks of .. God. That He covers us within His mighty hand. He gives our soul rest. He's powerful in times that we trust Him with a simple faith. It also reminded me that in life, God never promised us a bed of roses. There will be oceans that will rise, thunders that will roar. But it is during the floods and the storms that God will show himself, and we can soar with Him, be still, and know that He is God. He is God. In every circumstance i'm facing, in every feeling i feel, in every disappointment, every failure - He is God and i will know that HE IS GOD and i will soar with Him OVER every one of these. Not by might, not by power, but by the spirit of the Lord.

-------------------------------------------------

Now that's just the beginning. After praying, LD started. Trying not to be indifferent to all the other video LDs that usually are rather dry, i took a set of notes and looked at it; took a good look at it.

Dreams.

We all have dreams don't we? Whether we are leaders or not, we all have dreams - dreams that God gave us, or personal dreams. And today's LD, for those of you that missed it, was about dreams and how we need to protect our dreams, and it gave me an insight on why we as leaders and more so, humans, become discouraged. Well, we get tired, we get frustrated when we hit obstacles, and we fail. But through the LD, it taught me that it's human - that it's okay. There are alot of other things i can share, but for now, just one. Failure.

Failure in our eyes, often isn't failure in God's eyes. We fail in our ways, but God has His ways. What God is looking for isn't perfection, but faithfulness. At the end of the day, God will be there to give us a pat on the back and say 'Hey son/daughter, thank you for trying!' He searchs much deeper within and looks into our hearts and not our results. And during times of failure, i know how it feels when you just want to hit yourself for disappointing everyone else around you, including yourself (unfortunately). But today i learnt that we need to understand that we can't please everyone with our dreams. And sometimes we just need to be concerned only about pleasing the audience of ONE.

Well with failure, disappointment follows short after. Disappointment often, takes your faith. It takes away our faith because we're afraid of trying, were afraid of failing, again. And we get scared of every battle because we rememer. But what do we forget?
We often forget yesterday's miracles and victories and fear today's challenge. Instead of remembering our failures, why don't we remember our victories and not be afraid to face challenges with God? I'm guilty of that because it seems as humans, it seems easier to remember pain and trials than happiness and triumphs.

Then LD summed it all up one shot, God's direction in our lives is much bigger and greater than the disappointments and discouragemnets in our lives. It paired nicely with what P.Da shared in service. He gave me a hug before service and told me to be careful and take care of myself because the enemy is on the prowl for easy prey. During sermon today, just ONE point caught me. From all that i've already learnt from LD, there was something about committing all our works to God that struck a chord in my heart. Commit. Remember some time ago i posted somewhere about how we struggle to fully submit and surrender to God. Like what P.Da shared today, alot of us commit week after week, and when things dont go our way we steal the control back from God. We only give God THIS PART and commit to Him THIS PART. Committing actually would take alot out of us Singaporeans, who always want to be control. And in this generation, we want so many things our way, instantly. But in order for us to succeed, committing to God is key. Our studies, our work, our jobs, our future, our relationships - all to God and let Him have it and handle it and protect it. God increase, we decrease.

1158 words later, I just want to say I love God so much, for never failing, always loving, always comforting and never ever giving up on me no matter how many times i've failed Him. I love you Jesus, deep down in my soul.

2010-08-13T10:48:00.002+08:00

It was a pretty long night last night.
Got me thinking about the rest of my life, love, relationships and eerything in between. Taboo on Okto opened my train of crazy endless thoughts that resulted in the night ending at about 2am. Who are we to decide what's mainstream and what's not? Who passes the judgement on what is acceptable in society? To normal people, the abnormal people aren't normal. To the abnormal people, normal people are not normal. So .. What's the norm in society nowadays? Do we even need a norm to begin with? Or is love going to overcome all? Is love even able to pull us through all these differences, or are two groups of people always going tob e two groups of people. Is it really true that 'Love Conquers All'? Or is there a deeper reason why two groups of people can never co-exist? How much love is really enough? Or perhaps are we as humans selfish, always uncontent with what we have, always looking for more that we need and want. What is it that we really need? Do we really need what we need, or want what we need.

Ah whatever. Stupid incoherent thoughts, messing my mind up.
On a side note, been crazy addicted to this song and MV. Trying to master the Bonamana dance choreo really badly. It's awesome.
Okay, last day of semester and last Business Law presentation of forever! :D Who's up for dinner and dance later!

2010-08-11T22:49:00.003+08:00

Falling on my knees in worship,
Giving all I am to seek your face
Lord all I am is yours.

God, is truly God. He really has His very own way of just knowing exactly when you need Him the most, and then He'll bring you on Your knees crying out to Him - and that's also when He'll reveal Himself to you. As the lyrics of the song resounded in my head, i keep repeating the lyrics over and over again. Where has God been in my life? To be honest, painfully, cruel, brutally honest? I have no clue. All i know is, i've been hanging on, trusting, believing and having that faith to know that He's there. That He watches over me, watching my coming and going and He loves me. But i guess after awhile, you just get tired of seeing no result; tired of probably just waiting on something that never comes or playing mind games with yourself to believe in something that seems so hard to believe in. Ha, funny but that's just how i feel. As if i'm running forward, run run run and still running - but i don't see a finish line. Then i get into this whole struggle with God, wanting to give up, feeling dry, running away & going into hiding, praying someday He'll find me again.

And sometimes, maybe it's hard living life as a christian not knowing and feeling His presence.

So today, i guess i'm back here again pointing fingers at God. No, let me correct that now - pointing fingers at myself. For not doing what i needed to, for neglecting this one person that always reaches out to me. I bite His hand and grieve His heart during this time and never realized it. I hate to admit it, but i'm sorry Lord. Sorry for being so stubborn, refusing to allow You into my life and trusting You with it. I'm sorry for allowing school to be so overwhelming and taking control of this life and this mind. I'm sorry for allowing my heart to be divided and not loving you the best. Sorry for letting my heart grow tired weary and numb against You.

I called you answered
And you came to my rescue and I
I wanna be where you are

Please bring me back, to where You are. I missed you so much, i don't even know where to begin. Really. I want to be that child again, i don't want to be all grown up and make decisions. I want you to be the one to lead me and guide me. My mind is now so warped and confused i need You to put it all into perspective again; this time, in Yours. I'm really, tired. Tired. That's all i can think of when it comes to life now. Tiring. I want to find that joy back again, and i think only You will and can satisfy. I want you to reside in me like you used to.

I've kinda found a new self hate. To blame myself for messing all of this up, for trying to fix things on my own and for wrecking my life. Now i don't know how to start picking up the pieces and i don't know how to start mending them and fixing the state i am in. I'm desperate for God but maybe since it's my fault, i'm just going to have to do it all on my own. I need to solve this because i don't want to fall any further, and i can't afford my life to get any worse from here. Why is it i always seem like i have things under control, like i'm this high flyer that is living one crazy good life. Always outgoing, smiling, encouraging, loving, achieving, giving and being hannah. How come no one sees what's beneath? That more often than not, behind every strong girl, behind every extroverted happy girl just lies a very insecure, fragile, sometimes broken and tired heart waiting for someone to protect and love, to realize who we really are and tell us that it's okay? So really, are we all mad?

Dear Lord,
Please take control. You know how much i need this. And after writing my own story for so long, it's time i returned the pen to You and allow You to be the author of my life.
Amen.

2010-08-03T13:04:00.004+08:00

It's been awhile, now i'm back.
Tumblr has been great to me, a great friend, a great listener, a great space to let me rant, be myself and say what i want to say.

But today, i'm back here because again, nothing compares to Jesus.

I want to sit at the feet of Jesus, pour everything out to Him and just let Him minister to me. I wanted to find some room, some place that i can bang on the black and white keys, worship God and give Him my all.
I heard Him say today, hold on. That He's fighting for me, and i've just got to give Him my hand.

Sometimes i think we forget how it's like or what it actually means to give our hands to Him. Our hands give us control, we've heard a million times how our hands represent action. It helps us to do things, helps us to write, hold onto things, take action with them. And sometimes we fear so much to surrender our hands to God, because that'll mean we've lost control. And then, subconsciously week after week, service after service, renewed commitments after renewed commitments, we tell God 'God, i'm going to surrender to you.' and then we let Him take over this part of you that you are WILLING to surrender - maybe the part of your hands that helps you to write. But what about the part of your hands like your fingers that hold onto things? Maybe that part that points judgmental fingers at someone else. The hands that choose to take control and make decisions and go about doing so many things like writing reports, doing presentations, even typing on blogs or even facebook.

So perhaps the reason why we're constantly caught in that struggle with ourselves, the reason why we always feel alone, the reason why things always seem messed up - isn't because God didn't do 'His part', or because 'He didn't want to bless us'. It's just simply, yet painfully because we failed to let Him do what He needs to, failed to place Him in His rightful place which is in the centre of our lives. God isn't a priority, and neither does He want to be place on top of some to-do list or something. He wants to be in the centre, where everything else circles around Him. And to be honest, there i am caught in that vicious cycle - failing to admit how useless and empty i am without God. And after knocking my way around, reaching dead ends and feeling so absolutely drained out from everything that's going on, God has His way of bringing me to my knees to just cry out for Him in my darkest most alone moments. I'm convinced that His love is more than enough for me - that same love will see me soar. In His hands my future's brighter.

So to the grave with pride. To the grave with all the masks. To the grave with the fear of the future. To the grave with comparisons and inadequacy. I'm going to surrender all that i have to Him - my relationship, my studies, my family, my thoughts, my speech, my actions. We're not perfect, and i'm definitely not near perfect. But i believe in this thing called the constant surrender i've learnt from a good friend. I believe that we're all but a bunch of sinners aiming to live our lives right before God. We can't guarantee that we won't fall back into sin and temptations when the time comes, but i know we can put up a fight. And we can always come back to the foot of the cross, acknowledge that God is God and let Him take charge.

So God, take charge.

I’ll give you hope
I’ll give you faith
And if its dark I’ll light the way
For you

By your side
Until the end
Until you’re standing tall again
I'm here, I'll always be here

And if the tide sweeps you out to sea
When your strength is gone
And it’s hard to believe

Hold on
When the currents pull you under
Your heart beats like thunder
Just give me your hand

Hold on
Until the storm is over
I’ll be fighting for you
Just give me your hand
Hold on

2010-03-20T21:15:00.005+08:00

Friday was awesome. Happy birthday surprise to dearest ariel :D HAHA, it was great having all the girls together just enjoying one another's company (: Planned the surprise with jells and her mummy for a good week trying to gather peole to attend the special special event! Thank God for free sms-es :P Hehehehe, i hope the surprised was reall surprising! Had to tell her friday was cancelled cos of iinterviews and what not, which in the end was 'cancelled'. Thanks to the rain, riel and mom managed to pick us up and go 'grocery' shopping. With the excuse of wanted to eat ice cream, we headed to MarbleSlab where the rest of the folks were waiting. Her mom got us each double scoop ice cream with toppings. Zomg, it was awesome ice cream! But too much ): Headed back to her place and had fun till night <3

My saturday, though short, was spent well (:
Sister Vivi is awesome, it's like she cld read my mind. She pulled me and jayni aside after cell, and had a short but great talk. She just assured me that i'm not alone in whatever i'm going through. Like, she just understood. We shared how we felt about cell, about the ministry and etc. And yup, i was right. It isn't just me, it was the ministry. The burden of the ministry upon my heart has been so heavy i'm reaching breaking point. I'm not dry, i'm not 'far away'. But as sister vi put it, 'constipated' - like we're not moving, just stuck there. Besides seeking God daily, i think it's time we got to our knees to war for our generation and for the ministry. I was so assured, like someone just knew how it felt too. We talked more, and it's uncanny how we think alike about other things other than ministry, and how she's so anoited to just be able to catch the little hints i drop her about things (: She's awesome. Sister vivi are u reading this! HAHAHA, i can't wait to get to catch up with her and share more things with her that i dont get to share with anyone else (:

Service was great. I like praying. I like praying with people, for people. I don't know, but i guess prayer kinda unlocks something in the supernatural? Allows man to communicate and connect with God, and there's some sort of impartation that takes place don't you think? (: God's ministry is so amazing. And i almost never get tired of doing His work. I'm sure yes we do agree and sometimes feel like when we serve too much, it drains us out? It does, it does. But then again, the rewards are something that you cannot buy, and no one can offer or give. Ministry. Would you die for ministry?

There're just a bunch of things to be thankful for, so many beautiful reminders of the magnificene of our Lord - who He was and is in our lives, and who He will continue to be. I thank God for family that stays together, i thank God for sister that shares, i thank God for a godly social circle, friends that are there to fight alongside me, i thank God for a love a.k.a kenchua that keeps my feet on the ground and points me back to the source, i thank God for leaders that believe in me, i thank God for the victories He has given to me over the years, i thank God for gifts He has given that i can use for the extension of His kingdom, & i just thank God for Him. You know? Ah, God is good.

I stand in awe of You ;

2010-03-18T21:27:00.005+08:00

Let's talk about God. (incoherent thoughts, here we go)

Now, where do i start? Should i go on to talk about how great God is, His power, His glory, awesome things He's done for me, or how much i want to thank God? No. Today i want to go somewhere else. I want to be honest to myself, to Him and to all of you.
With the Desert Song on repeat on my iTunes, i can't help but identify with that song, and the inspiration behind that powerful song. It speaks of how God doesnt change even when everything around you changes. The song reminded me of my worship, my time alone, my prayers, my serving - how i knew what i sing, pray, read, trust in are true, but not neccessarily fully understanding it. I think and i still do believe that there's a certain victory in declaring the name of God in our lives, regardless of whether we feel like it or not. It's the quiet confidence and trust that as the sun would rise tomorrow, surely He will come. I am in my dessert, but i'll keep praying and waiting for the triumph that is still on it's way.

Because You are the sovereign God, and (Jeremiah 32:17) nothing is too hard for You, no heart that will be too cold that You cannot warm. I cannot do without Him, i cannot run, i cannot fight, i cannot love, i cannot trust without Him. More than just once or twice, i've come to a realization that I am nothing without God. I don't know how i go about explaining that, but i think most of you how we are just alive and not living without God. There has been such a drawing to God, like my entire being just crying out for God-knows-what. For God i guess?
Along with all the crying out for God, i find myself pointing fingers, blaming people for the state i am in. I find it hard to forgive, up till now. The hurt was just swept under the rug, forgiveness never took place though i convinced myself it did. I know where i am today, how i feel now should be my responsibility to take. But somehow i can't help but still bear that grudge, for the people that tore me down, that reduced me to how i feel like today - how i look at myself with different eyes, how i feel about the people around me, how i cannot seem to fully give my heart and trust that they'll love me for me, how i feel the unforgiveness and hurt became a barrier to how i allowed God to love me and speak to me. Honestly, it came to a point i just 'floated' around. Because of all that happened, i felt like i lost my right to serve, i lost my right to be a fighter for God, i lost my right to be a servant in God's kingdom (which by the way is a downright lie by the way). So good at encouraging people, can't use it for myself huh. I guess we all need some form of release. & I can definitely NOT do it on my own, so i'm going to once again surrender all that has happened to God and allow Him to renew His call, give me a fresh vision and passion and to help me let go.

Letting go doesn’t mean we don’t care. Letting go doesn’t mean we shut down. Letting go means we stop trying to force outcomes and make people behave. It means we give up resistance to the way things are, for the moment. It means we stop trying to do the impossible — controlling that which we cannot and instead, focus on what is possible.

I will lift my eyes
To the maker of the mountains I can't climb
I will lift my eyes
To calmer of the oceans raging wild
I will lift my eyes
To the healer of the hurt I hold inside

Then i prayed to God, to break down walls. It's hard sometimes to fall, especially when there are so many people watching. You get so scared to fall, and to tell people you've fallen. Sometimes it gets so bad you don't even realize you've fallen. Always serving, always giving, always cheering, always supporting, always being strong for others - then you forget how to not be. How to just be vulnerable, just be raw and how to let God do His work when He wants to or needs to, when He has a word for us to hear. We think we know it all, heard all, been there and done that. But forget that we'll always need God and we'll always continue to know more about God day after day, loving Him, growing closer to Him and being more like Him.

So Lord, let this be my prayer. That You will give me a new heart, to love to serve, to give of all that You have given. Bring me on my knees, to allow You to do whatever You please with me. Help me to forgive, learn to trust, learn to love and be humble before You and Your people.

There are still incoherent thoughts floating around, but i guess i'll leave them for a good htht.

2010-03-16T18:42:00.003+08:00

Enjoyed swimming with the ladies in my family (sister, younger sis, mom) today (: Alot of laughing and just soaking up not the sun, the water and the cold cold wind. My aunt brought us to tea after the swim and stuffed me with food, for fear i would have an eating disorder, joke of the day much. I enjoyed myself despite the bad cramps that irritated me much ): I want my puffy oversized tummy to go down and disappear now!

But the highlight of the day was when my boyfriend texted me to come online soon because he had smth for me. I got home, and recieved this amazing photo he took while i was away for my swim.

Who wouldn't melt?! Personally written, crane personally folded, personally photograhed. It had kenchua-loves-hannahlee written all over (: Warmed my heart and made all the terrible PMS feelings go far far away. I love my kenchua, he's the best.

2010-03-15T23:59:00.000+08:00

It was date day with love today, enjoyed our day out max!
He came over bright and early to help me make sushi for the picnic we planned out, before nat came over with the sandwiches. We thought it wld be nice to get nat and rachel along since they've never done something like that either (Y). Two's better than one eh?

So we took a long train ride down to marina bay where we waited patiently with secondary school kids for the shuttle bus. The sun and wind was awesome earlier in the day, then it started pouring. Mega cool, saw the rain line for the first time! :D Like half a place raining, the other half not, see picture below :P We attempted kite flying too - something that love's been bugging me to do for the longest time. It was therapeutic in a way and was a fun thing to do, well until the weather turned around luh ;/

So after the rain came pouring, we went to change out of our sloppies and dressed up a little. Headed to PlazaSing before bus-ing down to Dempseys, where we waited for P.S Cafe to be opened for dinner :D
It was a great place to just chill (except that the air condition was chilling too), with great ambience in Dempsey, great great food. On top of that, add your favourite date/person to be with = (Y). There we had a great dinner, and a surprising talk. Not common, but i was glad we talked. It was nice, perfect in fact. Just not caring about money, or time or getting fat. Eating, drinking, talking, having fun in one another's presence (:
Oh did i mention we headed to B&Js after dinner for awesome brownie with caramel :D:D Felt like the best thing ever sitting beside him, having caramel all over your mouth and the sweetest taste in your heart.

Kenchua's just like my romantic bestfriend. Before all of this happened, he was first a friend. He's probably seen the glam-eset, and unglam-est side of me, heard me at my quietest and loudest, weathered my many temperaments, seen sides of me that only friends see. With him i dont have to worry about how i look, what i wear, how i talk, how i sit or stand, how i am. I'm me when i'm with him (: We talk about anything and everything, smile silly to one another and just..enjoy ourselves. He's the first to know when i'm happy, when i'm sad, when i'm angry, when i'm PMS-y (HAHAHAHA) and he's always there with his outstretched hand, accepting me jsut the way God created me to be. This is why kenchua is wonderful in case we don't arleady know by now. And that is why i love him.

2010-03-09T23:06:00.003+08:00

I think we take time for granted sometimes. We assume that we've got all the time in the world as young people to figure out what we want, play a little if you might, love recklessly and just, waste time. Unfortunately, i've learnt otherwise. Time flies, and once it flies, you never get it back.

As some of the folks would probably know, this is one crazy season. I feel like i never have enough time to do what i want to, to accomplish things, to resolve situations, to seek God, to feel & cry when i need to. I really wished i had all the time i had to think, to email people, speak to people, collect my thoughts, spend time with family and everything, all my questions answered, problems all gone the moment i wake up; but no. It isn't going to happen.

But i guess ultimately, i'm trusting in God's sovereignty. I know He's never failed me. He's bringing us on this thing we call the Faith game. A great big deal of it. It's always easy to tell others: trust God! Wait upon Him! He's moulding you! Yup, we all know the exact things to say, and how to react to people's circumstances. Right now, i just find myself standing on a fence, leaning forward on God's arms and just waiting for Him to tell me to jump, and then i'll jump freely, knowing that He's going to catch me. God's taking us on this journey, to rediscover our faith in Him and i really have a feeling like something great is going to happen. And through this, it wil be such a powerful testimony of how God's timing is always perfect, and how He never ever fails. His ways and thoughts have always been higher than ours. And it feels like this game thing, is like fixing a jigsaw puzzle. You just have to fix fix fix it, till you finally piece the final piece and then see the bigger picture.

Yet it hurts to see a loved one hurting. It hurts that you're in it with them, but can't exactly do anything more than just being there, you know? That very sick feeling of helplessness that no one likes to feel. You cry, but in the end, the problem still stays. The only thing i take comfort in, is knowing that i'm not alone, that there's someone else fighting alongside the battles, and that God has so much better in store for us.

So with my loved one, we're hanging on, and we're fighting. We earn the battle scars together, but those scars will also remind us of how God has sustained us and not cause us to 'die' in the battles. Scars are definitely better than death aye? There's hope, there's always hope, so long as He lives.

Lord if you're taking us on this journey, to play this game, we will submit in full obedience and not question Your perfect plans. Teach us to continue to keep our eyes fixed on you, and not give up running this race that will ultimately bring glory to You. I love sweetheart.

p.s my thoughts are so incoherent, i dont like ):

2010-03-07T17:18:00.004+08:00

Had a great eventful weekend, cell service coming before God dinner at Holland V cold rock ice cream first month with K home, work & dance today sent K home jumbo dinner @ dempsey later (Y).

Dear Lord,
I ask for Your comfort and peace to be upon our hearts today, and for a long long long time. Take us by the hand, and lead us to where You have for us to go. I pray that we will keep our eyes fixed on You and trust in the perfect plans that You have for us. Teach us & help us to submit and obey You, that we may walk in obedience and submission so that Your will may be fulfilled through us. We trust you.
Amen.

Sometimes you have to be strong for yourself. You have to know that you’re a good person and a good friend. What’s meant to be will end up good and what’s not - won’t. Love is worth fighting for, but sometimes you can’t be the only one fighting. At times, people need to fight for you. If they don’t, you just have to move on and realize what you gave them was more than they were willing to give you. Hopefully, people realize great things when they come around and not lose something real. Always fight, until you can’t anymore, and then be fought for.
— (via runawaytrain)

2010-03-04T21:57:00.004+08:00

" Never knew love till i met you "

I know i know, i'm lacking updates again! Well blame it on the lack of pictures! :O Well it's March already! Been busy for the past 4 days working for Daddy on Beauty Asia 2010 which had me sitting in Suntec Convention Centre, stoning at a contractor's booth, making calls to people and talking to Italians, Japanese, Chinese and all sorts of people. It was a bore and a new challenge being away from kenchua for about 4 days. He dropped by on the last day of work & we headed of for a great time sushi-ing, star gazing at the Esplanade and home-ing together smiling ourselves silly.

In the month of feb i caught up with dearest angie over lunch at town, just talking HTHT had a ton of giggles and laughters. Popped by to take neoprints! Golly, long time ago maxxxxx felt so old school :D

Feb was a rather crazy month if you ask me! So many things happened in Feburary, good but mostly bad. And i just realized and remember how someone once told me. Sometimes things are beyond human, and we need to just let what we so tightly hold onto to let God take over and make everything fine again. Agree agree. And i think God did. Left it at His feet, prayed and just subjected myself to His will. Now things are picking up, and hopefully they really stay that way (: I love my life.

“Good relationships balance over time. This means that at any particular point in time, the relationship may appear quite unbalanced: One partner may be more nurturing; one may be more needy; one may be providing all the financial support, etc. But if both partners are loving, understanding, giving, dedicated and flexible, then the relationship can handle all kinds of ups and downs, and still be strong, exciting and, yes, romantic. The best relationships are well balanced. Not a delicate balance; not a static balance- but a dynamic ever-changing balance.” — Gregory Godek

That's what we're going to work towards love (:

2010-03-01T17:17:00.003+08:00

My top 10 things a guy should know

1. Say 'I love you' only when you mean it.
2. Girls like it when you surprise them with simple things. (They really like it)
3. Girls build up walls around themself just to see which boy is brave enough to climb over it.
4. To girls, the simpliest things say so much like going for a walk & holding hands.
5. If we yell at you and you are right then fight back
6. We want to be loved all the time, not just when it's convenient for you.
7. We like the little things guys do; they dont have to take us out to dinner and pay $100, when we can buy a pizza and watch movies, the way they tighten their arms around us when we pull away from a hug, and an email telling you he's thinking of you.
8. We melt inside if we start to say something and you look at us with a smile that tells us to keep talking and you care about what we have on our mind.
9. When a girl feels like she is annoying you by talking about something, tells us it's ok and you understand we just want to get it out.
10. Actions are stronger than words, so instead of telling us you love us, show us.

Well i saw this on FB, so why not come up with my own 1o? Enough said. Saranghey kenchua (:

But then again, the actions do speak louder than words. Surprise me, surprise me.

2010-02-27T22:44:00.000+08:00

Surprise me.

2010-02-23T21:10:00.001+08:00

Love is what the trouble is.

Question: Do you love me? Enough?
Because somedays i feel loved lesser.

2010-02-22T22:56:00.004+08:00

I'm learning. Step by step i'm still learning to balance, to figure it out, to ensure that everything works out. Give me time, lend me some faith, give me a hand. Lord, not by my strength and wisdom but by Yours.
//

Well in the midst of all the chaos, i'm half thankful that the holidays are here. It means time off and spending time & money (:/) out with my favourite people. Though i miss being busy and stressed and doing work, i'm glad i get time off to do my own things, slack and do random meet ups and going out. Today was another great day spent with natty and love eating at Timah, spying at KAP, Mac-ing, photo-ing and home-ing together. Sigh, happy sigh.

I want to thank love for standing by me during this time when the world just seems to be a big big mess. It was like God brought you in time to save me from all this (: Thank you thank you, i know it hasn't been easy for you. Did i mention to everyone that you are an awesome boyfriend and that they should be really envious of the 2 of us? Hehehe. I really appreciate you sweetheart. Love love love you.

2010-02-19T12:35:00.005+08:00

WEDNESDAY
Saw myself with the girls having a great girl time. Hung out with Bel & Chel at town shopping, catching up, walking around, stuffing ourselves with Yami yoghurt ):
We then headed to Dempsey where Bel went to work @ B&Js and we met Delia there :D Had the best time over nice discounted B&Js ice cream and a LOADFUL OF CHEESE FRIES that 3 hungry girls couldn't even conquer. It's a must try! But be warned about the quantity :O Made a crazy noise talking and laughing hilariously at stupid things :X Ahhh, chel's mum sent us home, even better (Y). Happy much!

THURSDAY
I secretly love every day boyfriend and i get together (: Yesterday was just another great day spent with K. We headed out to Sentosa for some sun sand & sea action, hoping to catch a tan and have some fun. Surprisingly, the beach was as empty as i've never seen it (since everyone else besides RP's having hols :P). The only people there were probably a mix of koreans, brazillians, indians, ang moh-s, chinese :/ So it was great to have the beach to ourselves :D
Built sandcastles, found dustbins & bridges to take photos, walked along the seashore, kicked water @ siloso, showered at Palawan & ate/shopped at Vivo. Was the perfect day out with love, happy and as tired and as burnt as can be (:

I LOVE YOU SWEETHEART. And i can't wait for Saturday to come tommorrow, no cell + service this week felt absolutely weird and draining somewhat. Did i also mention i miss the busy schedule in school? It's only been 5 days into the holiday and i'm feeling wasted already ): Urgh, someone give me something to do!

" He taught me how to trust myself. He taught me to love every flaw. He doesn’t see what i see but I’m starting to believe that what he saw in me is so much better. For that, and for so many other things, i love him. "

2010-02-14T22:04:00.004+08:00

So on Valentines this year, it just had to be the first day of Chinese New Year (well at least my came early). Besides it being such a down-er, CNY this year wasn't any fun at all ): At least for both reunion & first day, it felt kinda normal.
Da jie also felt the same way, like it's a weekly thing that everyone gets together for dinner. And the food we produce always top notch, CNY wasn't any different. Yeah sure it feels good to have everyone gather around, but there just wasn't anything special to look forward to. We found bed bugs that great grandma's place. One got onto esther's pants, another one onto my shirt, ew-ed us to the max. Everyone at her place ended up standing and sitting on the floor instead.
It was off to aunt's place second day in a row, seeing the exact same people. Tml's round 3 at my place (Y). Everyone went about doing their own things, normal stuff. Food, television, adutls chatting over wine, kids everywhere.
FOR NOW, I AM CRAZY TIRED.

So that's how i spent CNY & Valentines (: How about you?

P.S
I feel like a bad girlfriend sometimes, compared to how great you always are.

2010-02-12T00:01:00.007+08:00

{edit 13feb2010, 5:30pm}
The 12th of feburary was probably the best day in 2010 so far. It isn't exactly the best feeling to have your birthday fall on the eve of CNY, where everyone including yourself isn't free to do any form of celebration. Today, is just like any other, but i thank God for that pocket of sunshine that spent an entire 13 hours of 12feb as well as the first minutes of the 13th. I couldn't ask for more really.
We took a long train ride down to the airport, and had a good Sakae lunch. I secretly got him a gift one of the days i was out with chelsea&delia, and since vday was around the corner, i bumped into the gift at the best time ever. I got him a 4framed camera that i came across at FEP, accompanied it with a crafted card, homemade cookies and a cool box :P He decided to open it up first, and seeing the smile on his face, i urged him to load the film so i could have a share of his happiness. He looked up at me, and gave me his silly smile. I knew it. I opened up his gift, and there it was, another film camera. ARE WE CUTE OR WHAT, telepathic max.

We just walked and lazed around after finally finding the viewing gallery at T3, where we took a couple more couple photos. Arms hooked onto his, we carried on strolling aimlessly (thats what we do best) till we ended up at Tampines Mall & Central for a little while. Made me a doubly happy girl when i found the E71 imitation cases :D HAHAHA, okay it wasn't THAT cheap, but come on more than half price from the original and they look EXACTLY the same! :O Carried on with a long bus ride to PL to meet the rest for CNY service.
After CNY service, us hungry people left to Geylang in search of Dimsum that just had to close on us that day. I dont like walking in Geylang, period. After a late late dinner, we made it in time for the last 67 bus ride, that was longlonglong. By then all of us were tired from the long day, but happy definitely. As the clock struck 12, i started recieving calls and texts with pleasant birthday wishes. But nothing beat the moment when love looked at his watch, countdown, looked at me and spoke a soft happy birthday. There and then, i slumpped my head onto his shoulders, smiling myself silly.
Got home, tumblr-ed, uploaded photos, editted photos and sent them to my phone (new wallpaper already, the second one at the bottom of this post) till about 3am. Slept till 9am and woke up due to CRAMPS, grrrrrr >;(

Birthday and Vday came early for me this year, and it was just pleasant. I'm starting to see and trust in that thing we always hear of, 'Gods timing'. I know, cliche. But hey, i don't know about you, but i think that man up there still knows us best, and being our Heavenly father, it is more than true when they say 'He only wants the best for you'. In the coming year as a 19 year old 3rd year Poly under graduate, i want to love God more, serve God more, trust God more and allow God to use me more. I want K & i to keep growing together with God as the centre, to be open and trust one another and of course love one another deep deep, long long time. I am so so so thoroughly blessed, and i can't put that feeling into words.

------------------------------------------------------------

Well in case i haven't proven my point..

It's the 12th of feb today (okay maybe not, i scheduled this. It's actually 11th feb), and i've just got a feeling it's going to be one of the best days ever. So i'm doing a short dedication to a certain someone, who's about to make my day a really splendid one.

Dearest kenchua,
You make me happier than I ever thought I could be with anyone else. I dont know about you or anyone else, but this thing about 'us' makes me feel like we've come a long way; and it only shows how amazingly cute and creative our God is only bringing us together after a good 5 years - after a good load of drama, trauma and much more. Well you're certainly the sweet cherry on top of my icing-fied cake (: You mean almost everything to me other than God and family of course. Everyday, i fall a little more in love with you and have a little more faith in us.
So thank you for today sweetheart. Thank you for always insisting and being stubborn to send me home and carry my laptop. Thank you for being scared when i am, sharing my joy when i'm happy, and being there for me when i'm sad. Thank you for always telling me you love me regardless and thank you just for making me a happy, blessed, overjoyed, secure girl. You're so much more than i could ever ask for and its too bad, but you're going to be stuck with me for quite a long time (:

I am truly thankful for all that you are to me, just you as kenchua.
I love you deep deep, long long time.

“I love you more than yesterday but less than tomorrow."

2010-02-09T11:49:00.002+08:00

Had a great fantabulous day with my girls yesterday (: It's kinda the first time delia & chelsea hung out together and for a change i was really happy and felt warm all over when the two of them just walked either ahead or behind me, like i was happy they both found a new friend they can trust (:
We went to bugis in hope of finding some stuff but all the stuff was so .. old school. Like the heaven when we were in our secondary school life. HAHA, so off we flew to town where we finally saw some progress. Having mango lingo and milk tea while at FEP, got chel's cardigan, tried some super onzx stuff, then bus-ed to 313 for another F21 Spreeeee :D So happy 3 of us all got basic tees that were like cheap cheap cheap pretty pretty pretty! Dee dee left for dinner with her family and chel & i headed to Cityhall to have SAKAEEEEEEE (: Super shiok dinner considering we didnt really have a lunch at all. Natty & love came by to meet us after they had their dinner. We walked around for abit, then bus-ed home together.

Things happened along the way, scary things. Love & I made sure chel was alright, and the 2 made sure i was alright. Chel came over till about 12am-ish, i walked her and headed home for a good nights sleep. Thank God the episode's over now, and chel you gotta stop being scared and be happy okay! (: If anything you know we're just a call away. But thanks love for being there despite being as tired as can be. This is why i love you and why you make me happy.
P.S WE NEED A PICTURE ):

2010-02-08T10:00:00.000+08:00

Sometimes i really wished you'll think before you speak, or write.
I dont understand how you can be so inward looking at times, okay no, all the time.
It's been a few months now, and i'm sorry i had to 'break your heart' many times but i'm telling you again, no. It isn't about who i have in my life now, or whether there's a 'criteria' i've set for the people around me. No. It's about you.
I really hope you stop blaming the people around you for the way you feel because you allowed yoursel to feel this way. I don't know how you can go around telling me that it doesnt matter about how i feel about you, or how people use you, or how you can imagine things to be so, blown up. Matter of fact is, it isn't. There's a fine line between helping, and being taken for granted. I don't believe that the people around you and i are selfish. We ask a favour from people we think know the answers or can help us with what we need, yes or no. Yes. Well too bad you're so good at everything you do, too bad you've been such a great friend that everyone turns to you.
WAKE UP, those are good things for crying out loud. Can't you look from a different perspective to see that you are already valued and whta's why people come to you. Honestly what do you expect? Do you expect us to talk to you for a 10001 days, send u constant smses non stop just so that we can appreciate you? It doesnt work that way. Sometimes a thank you and a smile is you did. No one owes you anything. We all have different ways of showing our appreciation, if its not enough for you, i dont think we need to take the blame. You think too much, and no one owes you any apology. YOU think people are using you, YOU think people forget about you, YOU think peole don't appreciate you. It's all about you. Well it shouldnt be.
Service, blessing others - thats what i call it. Don't tell me helping others is in your nature and that you dont really ask for anything in return. You just proved your point that yes you want to be loved in return. I'm sorry but i have a life too. I treasure you friend, i treasure you and i've been wanting to make a difference in your life for the longest time because i know God placed u in my circle to be influenced. But i am just a friend, i have tried. I can't keep up with your everyday texts, and random tweets or how you demand so much attention from me. It tires me out when you rant everyday about how horrible life is and how you want to die. Death is a scary thing and you don't play around with death. I am human, and i get affected by negativity too. I want to help, but you put me in a position where i really don't know where to go. I've tried every single way, soft and hard. Tried to love you, be there for you, keep up with your needs, play along with you, sacrifice time for you - just as a friend. ___, i'm tired.
I don't want to give up on you, and neither does God. Please, don't drive me up the wall to a point where i have to let go. I've said it a 1001 times, but i hope this time, you'll see.

2010-02-07T20:15:00.004+08:00

IN AWE;

Found love beyond all reason (: Till now, in less than 24hrs, 30 *likes* and counting.

I feel truly amazed, blessed and totally in awe of how everything came into place in accordance to God's perfect timing and perfect will.

6Feb2010, just an exact week before my birthday He blessed me with the greatest gift thus far (other than His neverending unfailing love that brought me to this earth in the first place) - kenchua(: I like what meiyan said on her blog. (rephrased) If God entrusts you with a brain and a good education, we work hard to give Him all the glory through the results we get. When we serve God in any ministry He has given talents to us to grow in, we make use of the talents well and serve Him with all we have. And if God allows you to be in a relationship and give you someone that loves you and you love him back, you love right and well, honoring God in all that the both of you are.

John 15:5 -8 "I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit, apart from me you can do nothing.... If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish and it will be given you.

To him who is given much, more is demanded. We should be good stewards of all that God has entrusted us.

He's been a pleasant surprise and the perfect addition to start the year 2010. Quote ken "it's really joy unspeakable". It's really been a long time since i've felt this way. Yeah sure i've fallen in love (crazily), did stupid things, got into trouble, fallen out of love, been played with - but nothing beats getting what every girl truly deserves. And that's why i'm so proud of my guy because he's proved to me that it doesnt matter what i've been through, who i was - all that matters is he loves me for me and will give me what i need and deserve, happiness.

But in everything, irregardless, i still thank God. I thank God for His covering over our lives, i thank God for creating us both, i thank God for loving me, i thank God for being my everything - i repeat, MY EVERYTHING. I love you jesus, deep deep down in my soul (:

"Star gazing will never be the same again." - Ken Chua

2010-02-03T20:27:00.002+08:00

Life's never been better, or tasted sweeter (:
The IMC presentation's finally finally over. As much as i dont wanna talk about it, i wouldnt say we did fantasticly well, but i wouldnt say we did really bad either. It was just alright. I almost went crazy in the morning, going to school early and all that, last minute printings to do and realizing we had reports to submit along with the presentations. Just a whole crazy rush! Nao & I listened to one another's stomachs growling in the midst of the other team's presentations. We laughed at how Nic looked like Kim Hyun Joong, how Nathan pronounced CHUITTER (twitter) and how everyone was so enthusiastic and funny while presenting. After IMC ended, couldn't explain the relief that came upon us.

I hopped over to meet K for the second day consecutive (i think tml's gnna be the third) just to rant and complain, so nice of K always being there (: All the verses pushed me forward, and reminded me that above all, God is sovereign and He holds all things in His hand. Yay.
We met brother eric yesterday to accompany the superstar to have his lunch before he went for his hair cut appointment. Hearing him talk and talk and talk kinda made me feel comfortable and happy. Went to Lot1 after he left to nua, read sushi books at the library and left for dinner, afterwhich K walked me home. Naize, one of the happiest happiest times this year (:

I'm going to head out for my run in a few minutes and get back to doing TAWG. I'm so sorry Lord, really busy with IMC plus sleepless nights made me distracted from doing TAWG and all that. But thank You for your everlasting love, mercy and grace that always covers me (: I LOVE YOU JESUS, DEEP DOWN IN MY SOUL ♥

I'm coming back to the heart of worship.

2010-02-01T15:43:00.003+08:00

It's week 15 with Zul. And they just HAD to talk about him. HAHAHA, he was fun today. Maybe because it's already the last day with him (other than presentation on wednesday), but yeah he was insanely dramatic, sarcasticly humorous and just breezed through presentations (: Happy happy for a monday. I'm sure tml with fendy won't be a problem. Fendy is awesome :D After wednesday IMC will be done and i'm just going to start mugging for UTs that week then THE HOLIDAYS WILL BE HERE :D
Did i mention im turning 19 in 12 days too? HAHAHA :D

' τђε ςзcязт Ћεαvзи ο∫ мıиε says:
*I LIKE HANNAH REACTION
*like cannot take it alr
HANNAH; In Him I Trust. says:
**faint*
' τђε ςзcязт Ћεαvзи ο∫ мıиε says:
*but kinda fast hur
*i dont have the feeling of 15weeks
*like just the start of sem feel
HANNAH; In Him I Trust. says:
*YAHHH ):
naomi says:
*yea man!
HANNAH; In Him I Trust. says:
*like week 6 or smth.
*first few weeks we like dying
' τђε ςзcязт Ћεαvзи ο∫ мıиε says:
*excatly
*like the way he wistle
*the way he chew gum
*like the way when he sit down leg cant reach floor
*like the way he write the board but cant reach the top
HANNAH; In Him I Trust. says:
*YAHHH
*HAAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHA
*so sweet
' τђε ςзcязт Ћεαvзи ο∫ мıиε says:
*HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HANNAH; In Him I Trust. says:
*i LOVE it~
naomi says:
*the way he lick the bottle
*or something i cant remember
' τђε ςзcязт Ћεαvзи ο∫ мıиε says:
*OMG
*like it ttm
naomi says:
*OH NO
*the fingle
*finger
' τђε ςзcязт Ћεαvзи ο∫ мıиε says:
*the way he eat banana in class
HANNAH; In Him I Trust. says:
*then eat the bananana
*HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA
naomi says:
*YA
*@YHSVA BHIXOBLSJICS
*BNACIPSBCUIJNK'
' τђε ςзcязт Ћεαvзи ο∫ мıиε says:
*OMG
naomi says:
*my face wanna explode alr.
' τђε ςзcязт Ћεαvзи ο∫ мıиε says:
*i cant take it alr
*can see
*see so cute
*the way he put his leg on the chair
*distance so near to him
naomi says:
*so short
' τђε ςзcязт Ћεαvзи ο∫ мıиε says:
*the chair
*see see
*faster
*WOAH
*hannah
*i like the way you peep
*like damn funny
*nao faster see

--------------------------------------------------

Come what may.

2010-01-31T21:52:00.003+08:00

Had a fantabulous week despite the amount of work we had to finish. But by God's grace, we're on track and doing well pacing ourselves for the presentation this Wednesday! Alot of my nights and days were burnt serving in church, SP empowerment and all that. But i also know that God never shortchanges us, and 'seek ye first His righteousness, and all of these will be added onto you'. AMEN :D My God is a great great awesome power-packed God, oh may i add that He loves me very very much too? (:

Wednesday was a good day spent with Ting doing IMC stuff, just the two of us in class working our butts off and having good talks in between (:

Thursday had a ton of fun with delia, followed with the boys nat and ken. Gave school a skip, and went shopping for CNY clothes. It was nice to take my mind off all the crazy work that gave me really bad bad muscle aches that also led to a wehweh bad headache. We HTHT-ed, caught up alot, laughed and sang alot and did our shopping while at it (: I was happy getting many many, p.s i love my little black dress :D We met the guys aft that and she left me to have dinner with the 2 boys. Star & moon gazed. It felt, nice (:

Friday couldn't take the pain that went all the way up to the neck, but thank God for K who bought me Salompas-es that worked like a miracle! Sat through SP empowerment as usual and headed for dinner with the group though was already literally dying from being way way tired. Got home at 12.00am (felt like cinderella) and went to bed smiling myself silly.

My weekends were the best (: Churched, happy chel & fabian came back to cell. Headed for dinner & ice cream at Upper Bukit Timah & Udders, just had a great awesome splendid time of fellowship.
Worked with Xian today, ended work rather early cos there didn't seem to be much of a crowd. Whisked over to meet the boys AGAIN at lot 1 where we had pasta mania AGAIN, but this time with much many alot of screams from the SHINee fan meeting held this afternoon at choachukang(of all places). We camped at the library and did our work, and nua-ed and talked and chilled until we got BORED. They boys came over to help esther with her guitar and we went for dinner as a family with mummy daddy brother and all. Too cute too cute! Totally loved having the best of both worlds at one table altogether (: Yay, made me really really really REALLY happy. I love my family and the people in my photo many many.

P.S love the way you assure me.

2010-01-26T21:57:00.003+08:00

Fendy's ONE KIND. He bluff us today full dress, get us to memorize script (we dont actually act in our course) and bring costumes, end up playing with us only ): We did a tour in TRCC instead on all the technicals and stuff. It was so cool, plus really fun getting to climb up at least 5 stories high and look down from the ceiling of the theatre and go into the pork floss heaven *inside joke*. Got so high we felt giddy :X
Ended class at 12pm (record breaking) thanks to fendy. Had lunch with the girls before going up to class to continue working on our IMC project (stressed much). We listened to old school A1 & Backstreet Boys songs while doing work till 430pm when i left to meet VALERINA, my highlight of the day.
Trained to JP to meet the lover girl and walked around abit before settling down at some japanese restaurant for dinner. Dinner was super disappointing, didnt meet my expectations but the company was FANTABULOS! We sat there for a good 2 hours unknowingly and just spent the time HTHT-ing and laughing till we were totally embarrassed! But it was just the biggest comfort knowing someone understood all the words that were coming outta my mouth and identified with all the feelings i was feeling, assuring that it's not just me being insecure and overthinking - like it was creepy till the point we felt like long lost cousins or something. I left JP with a smile hung on my face and it just made all the pain from the massive headache seem like nothing(:

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Sometimes I run, to see if you'll give chase. Sometimes i keep silent, to see if you'll notice. Sometimes I test, just to see of you're proud of me. I promised time. I shldn't be feeling disappointed and upset, but why do i still feel so. Time hannah, time. Wait.

2010-01-25T13:30:00.002+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANGIE PUAN & RAGU :D

I am VERY stressed. Period. I want IMC to be over and done quicky. I want birthday & CNY to faster come, and i wanna go bangkok for study trip now ): I'm going to pull all my hair out now. God grant me strength and wisdom please!

-----------------------------------------------

“Wait for the person who pursues you, the one who will make an ordinary moment seem magical, the kind of person who brings out the best in you and makes you want to be a better person; wait for the person who will be your best friend, the only person who will drop everything to be with you at any time no matter what the circumstances, for the person who makes you smile like no one else and when they smile you know they need you. Wait for the person who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats and a tee shirt, but appreciates it when you get dressed up for them. You know he needs you, the guy who thinks your beautiful even when your hairs a mess and you have no make-up on, the guy who will stay awake just 2 watch you sleep, the one who will call you just to hear your voice, And most of all, wait for the person who will put you up at the center of their universe, because that’s where you belong."

- via eletheowl & kreatekreationswithkassy

Don't disappoint me.

2010-01-24T20:11:00.003+08:00

.. We have mood-swings (period or no period)
.. We over-react to everything
.. We over-analyze everything
.. We will always have our insecurities no matter what.
.. We never forget things. Ever.

So guys – GET OVER IT! Because it’s just a girl’s thing. No matter how much we explain it, the guys won’t get it. They’ll never understand why we over-react or over-analyze everything. And all I can say is – It’s just us girls, like it or not.
(via wishuponabutterfly)

I want to be the girl that changed everything, the girl that made a difference, the girl that gave you a story to tell.

And i think every girl deserves a man to put up a fight for them, to make them feel..worth it perhaps.

2010-01-23T22:27:00.004+08:00

I really cannot do this. It's like i meant nothing.

2010-01-22T22:06:00.005+08:00

I had a great friday (:
Couldn't wait for class to be over and done with so i could meet the girls for dinner :D Met mei and trained down to meet with riel and jelly, followed my janet and alison later. It was a full fledged HTHT girls catch up, and it made me really, really really beam from ear to ear. The dinner was a great time just catching up, talking about our little secrets and with our little pinkie hooks, laughing too much that we used the happy birthday song to cover up our noise, have the whole swensens stare at us 6 girls (: But i wldnt mind being embarrassed, esp if i were with them hehehehe.
After what seemed like a great catch up, we headed up to the empty space to start our camwhore routine. How often do you get all 6 of us down together? It was just a must. I had a ton of fun today, and they totally made my day all of them. Missed them a ton and it was just comforting that we're still going goood.

-------------------------------------------------------------

I'm actually somehow happy and relieved that the week's over,

“Human beings are funny. They long to be with the person they love but refuse to admit openly. Some are afraid to show even the slightest sign of affection because of fear. Fear that their feelings may not be recognized, or even worst, returned. But one thing about human beings puzzles me the most is their conscious effort to be connected with the object of their affection even if it kills them slowly within.”
- Sigmund Freud

2010-01-21T15:02:00.009+08:00

LAZY THURSDAY FTW! :D
(P.S Did i mention that i had itchy hands after meeting chel and cut my fringe myself, and now it looks super tut tut like bangs that are not properly cut. Grow hair! GROW)

Spent SuLi's lessons doing her homework, managed to finish up alot of it and SUBMITTED IT thank goodness. So besides that i'm happy the got to camwhore together on this very boring nua thursday. Everyone's so konked out from doing their assignments, loooking forward to friday to be the end of the super crazy week so we just took a break, took our time for lunch, took photos, sang songs and finished our presentations! :D Another day's going to be over soon, yipeeeee (;

So these are my arts management girls (: I am starting to enjoy my STA facis, fun-loving, sarcastic, work & play and just having fun in class. RP is awesome! BUT WHY ARE FENDY AND SULI LEAVING D: Gosh, no more mass party and doing nothing smoking our way through presentations, gah. Year 3's going to slightly mad. Full 5 days of school, electives and FYPs. For now, MY HAIR'S REALLY UGLY! AHHHHHH, NO.

At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, it’s usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we’ve chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much we hurt them. The people that are still with you at the end of the day, those are the ones worth keeping.

— Grey’s Anatomy

P.S I feel like i dont know you anymore, and you dont know how much that breaks my heart. But if that's the way you want things to be, i can't do a thing about it. You got us here.

On a happier note, i'm going to meet riel and jelly for dinner tml along with the unconfirmed sister. Yipeeyay!

2010-01-20T13:42:00.002+08:00

I AM GOING TO FINISH MY ASSIGNMENTS TODAY.

"It’s not that easy to win over a girl’s heart. You can’t just look into her eyes and say ‘I love you’ and think she’ll instantly fall in love with you. You have to get to know her and show that you love her just the way she is. You have to be able to handle her when she’s mad, comfort her when she’s sad, and leave her be when she’s feeling independent. You don’t have to buy her the most expensive gifts all the time; as long as you mean everything you say and keep all the promises you make, you’ll be okay. So don’t rush things, take your time. And when you finally do tell her that you love her, make sure you truly mean it. Because chances are she doesn't need another broken heart like you need a hole in the head."

— (via runawaytrain)

p.s I think i tumblr-ed too much this week.

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{edit 11:09pm}

I gave up ): Gosh, can this week end already!

2010-01-19T14:27:00.005+08:00

I wasted my day in Fendy's lesson today (though i love fendy alot), but i just sat there worrying about Management assignments. 10more reports to go, and they're all due thursday ):
Anyway chel came over to talk and dinner with my family (: We talked, watched videos, laugh, dance, joke, i made her eat and eat and eat and sent her home. Gosh it was a great feeling, helped me pass another day (:

----------------------------------------------------

Is it just me and my period, or have i really been thinking abit too much?
I think i'm complex, complicated and truly one of a kind taylor made. It feels like its almost impossible to comprehend me.
If that is how God created me, would you still love me? Make me love me.

2010-01-18T19:25:00.002+08:00

So we're back in school today starting off with T227 Marketing with Zul. It turned out to be better than expected! I'm actually very pleased with how much our team has accomplished, feels like quite a good deal of work has been done though i feel i cld use a little more hardworking team :/ But thank God for seeing me through today! (: I had a good H2H with angie & naomi over lunch, super sweet nice one (:

Chel called to talk during lunch, and we just randomly suggested to meet after school to just talk somemore. We caught up, talked (alot) and laughed more. It's been awhile since we've done this but i was left Yew Tee feeling really uplifted and thankful to God for girlfriends like her. She assured me that girlfriends call themselves girlfriends for a reason, and it doesnt matter how much we've missed out on one anothers lives, because when we actually do meet up, we connect - almost immediately (: Yay, im happy we shared about our own struggles, our own thoughts and just having fun being ourselves. I love chelsea cheong! And i totally love spending time and talking with people i love anytime anywhere.
HAHA finally some photos to upload? (: 1-10 shot :D

Love you dearest! Had a great day with you today (:

Can't wait for the week to be done soon ): And it's only monday!

2010-01-17T19:22:00.006+08:00

{WARNING: WORD INTENSIVE POST}

P.S I really want to do a good nice photo update but unfortunately we havent been taking alot of photos this week especially, so bear with my whole lot of words! (:

The weekend has really really literally flashed right before my eyes. The long weekend (fri to sun) didn't seem as long afterall ):

FRIDAY
Friday i took a well deserved break from school to work on the IMC project, get some rest and did a whole lot of other things which made my fridays one of the best days throughout the week, in fact the best i think! I tried highlighting my hair with the red dye i took from ken, spent an hour plus doing it and leaving it on for another hour, turned out nothing went on, and it was just a dark shade of brown, almost close to my natural colour. So i tried doing it again with help from meimei, and okay at least more colour got onto it, but still people tell me it's brown ): No, its supposed to be red, RED! ):

So anyways we spent some time doing the hair, and i did my work showered and headed out for dental. I was telling someone about how Doctor yong likes to come up with a few 'stunts and patterns' once in awhile. He hasn't really done anything major for the past 2 months, and friday just had to be the day he used the power chain bands (ouch), another spring to drag my teeth(ouch x2), and i think he forgot to cut the wires at the end (ouch combo). Dinner after that was still alright because the bands havent started to work their magic.
Headed for dinner with kennie wah and meimei at JP, our round of Ajisen was the bombbbbb :D We nua-ed, nua-ed and nua-ed somemore before going for a good walk around JP before settling down at Swensens to share a banana split :D Naise. I was happily stuffed and headed home (: Oh btw, this is ken. Mei spammed a good 35 photos of him, and i've got no other pictures to post. HAHA.

SATURDAY
Woke up an earlyyyyyyyy 5.30am to get ready for filming/shoot at PL for the March production. Gosh it was hectic and tiring! There were alot of bumps along the way, but like bro kaf said it was a really good learning experience. God reminded me about the heart of a servant, and how we should always be humble in serving God's people and honoring Him in all that we do. By the time we finished, we had to rush down to church for a quick lunch before cell. Cell was greatttt (: I really really love lighthouse, manytime fold.
Service, overwhelmed me. Worshipping God in spirit and in truth, basking in His love and faithfulness was all i needed and it never felt better (: The message from sister gwen was just so timely. Problems. I saw a tweet that went "When you see fear, you cannot find faith" - Pastor Wilson. And that was the perfect summary of her message. Sometimes we are so overwhelmed with situations in our lives that we actually forget God loves us. We forget to look back and see how far God has carried us and how He has ALWAYS delivered us from every problem we faced. And i cried, even as i looked back over the many years, how i always felt that i cldnt pull through or couldnt make it, but God ALWAYS made a way and gave me the best. It was also downright silly to start crying the moment i saw nat crying. It got even more embarrassing when i wanted to check up on Val, and i saw her and asked if she was okay. And she started tearing a little, so i hugged her and ended up crying worst than her. It escalated and everyone came ard to hug me and we all just laughed and cried at the same time.
Vally if you're reading this, you're really one special girl. I havent felt like that in a long time and it broke my heart to feel that your heart was in someway broken too. I pray you'll be fine, stronger and be a fighter. The fighter God has created you to be. Love you sweetheart, didnt know how much you meant (:

SUNDAY
My teeth didnt hurt as badly as it did on saturday so i'm happy. I catched a good sleep and got up early to go to work today. The crowd was relatively crazy today but i found a new joy serving the Lord in His house, serving His people with a bigbig smileeee. Paul has an infectious spirit and it's always fun having him around(: Work was great till i headed off to Xin Wang for lunch with the 3 and ariel (: We prayed for a cab that would agree to ferry 5 of us and it DID COME. We got to LCE on time, early in fact! :D -I shall not elaborate on LCE-

School's tml ): Gosh. I miss doing paper costumes and doing make up and going crazy before tests with ting and nao. Now it's crunch time and everyone's all work and no play. But lets go lets go. GOD IS WITH ME, AMEN!

------------------------------------------------

P.P.S I hate looking for you in everyone else, but i am done with you. Very very honestly (: And i am happy.

2010-01-14T15:32:00.002+08:00

TODAY, i feel terrible incredibly, sian (for lack of better word).
Plans to Sakura were cancelled because Nat & Delia couldn't make it. Now i'm second guessing myself whether i made the right decision to skip schoool and all that. Like another wasted day added to my list. Can't wait for school to be over and done in 1 month, and then hopefully the 3 of us get to be able to go for the study trip in Bangkok.

AHHHHH, so whiny so whiny. I don't like but seriously feels..SIAN. Headed over to the Esplanade today for some tour, which was quite fresh for a change being in school and all. Lunched @ Marina Bay with Nao & Ting before settling around the Bay to have a good HTHT (: It's one of those very few and rare occasions we get to sit and talk about all that we're doing through, very sweet of them to understand me and encourage me with certain things like school and stuff. Ah, so whiny!

UT's in a coupla minutes and here i am ranting and whining. ARH, i don't like whining but today i can't help it ): I WANNA EAT, I WANNA HIGHLIGHT MY HAIR RED, AND I WANT THINGS TO WORK OUT with you. Sometimes i don't know what you're thinking. You might be growing up and all that, but i feel like i've been missing out on your life. I try to talk to you, get to know what's doing on, but i don't seem to get a tinge of reaction or appreciation. I'm starting to feel like you just don't care as much as you used to. Like i'm overlooked and once again being one-sided, trying to care but getting almost nil reaction. I just hope this is a phase, and not something we're going to be faced with permanently. I love you, mei.

明天会更好！Amen.

2010-01-13T20:21:00.005+08:00

Okay i'm really going to start blogging back here, i'll try!

HELLO JANUARY, 13th to be exact!
It's kinda of exactly a month away from my 19th :/ Gosh i feel old. Anyways let's do a quick flashback update.From 30th Dec (my last post) till now, nothing much happened. I still don't get tired of saying that God has been faithful throughout 2009, as well as into 2010 too. At least up till now, He's NEVER failed me (:

There've been ups and there've been downs. School's kinda bittersweet. Like it's awesomeone day, but the next day it just doesn't go well with work piling up. Did i mention about an IMC project that we have to pitch to the National Arts Council? That in itself is scary. A whole gush of inability and uncertainty overwhelmed me just yesterday. It felt like i didn't know where everything's headed, like there were too many things to think about and so little time. Unknowingly i swept everything under the rug, kept it locked up somewhere in the corners of my heart and carried on with life, encouraging the rest to 'press on', 'hang in there' and 'we'll make it throughs' . Until it got exposed last night. Got a little angry with everything, and kinda hated the bus rides for the first time. I got home and spoke to a couple of people, everything poured out and i felt better after surrendering it all back unto God and laying all my worries at the foot of the cross. How contradicting we can be as human sometimes huh? Knowing that God has never failed us since Day1, yet there are times we still choose to doubt Him and His plans. But God brought me back to a very known verse. Knowing is one thing, believing is another (:

Jer 29:11 "For i know the plans i have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm. Plans to bring you a hope and a future."

In 2009 i think i've grown alot, especially from the whole episode. Made me realize how important God's call is, and how God will always fight and want the best for me.
And i don't know if you're still reading or will ever read this, but i just want you to know that i am well over you. I blamed myself and struck myself with guilt because of what happened, for giving us away - but realized it was all unneccessary. I didn't and never wanted/needed an apology or any form of explanation, always had your back and did all that i could. I'm sorry if my heart wasn't already good enough, but you know how much i gave. Throughout all that happened, all that was already smacked straight in my face, there was that part of me that still wanted to believe in you. In the short 2 weeks that past, it's like you reopened that wound that i took years and years to close. Quote Val, God doesn't create playthings and products in His image. I got to know about things i never thought i would know, everything's exposed now, EVERYTHING. It made me feel upset, angry and very disappointed. All over again, i'm learning how to forgive big time. I never thought i'd say this, but i take all i said back. I actually think i do deserve some form of apology. No need for explanations, because i don't believe anything could explain all that. I'm praying God will allow a full restoration to take place, and for you to break out of that cycle. I'm sorry it had to happen. It was nice and one of the best times of my life while it lasted. Goodbye, and perhaps few years down the road, i'll get to know you all over again. Jiayou.

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Can't wait for tommorow to be over ASAP, get my hair coloured somehow and go for buffet with deedee, ken-ie and mei (: I thank God for people He's placed in my life, alot.

It was over. I was never going to get ~~her~~him back. It was time for a little self-respect. It was time to let go. Time to move on.

— Daniel Stern, The Wonder Years

2009-12-30T23:42:00.004+08:00

I spent yet another awesome day with the other 3 today. And again i must say, over eating always happens when you're around two bottomless pits and your favourite people, yes? These are the other 3. My dearest sister, ken & natty (:

After lunch with kintoh today, i cabbed down to ken-nie's place for Wiiiiii~ We wii-ed till our arms gave up, took a break and watched Sister's Keeper together and dinnered. Dinner was the best time ever. We talked, alot. Had our awkward moments that always disappeared in an instant when someone goes 'Then why quiet?". Everyone burped and farted as and when they liked, and it was so undescribably heartwarming when i witness all of that, in the midst of laughing everything off. Because i knew there and then, that this is family. This is where we don't have to be afraid of being unglam, or how we look - just because we know we are family, just like ken said (: And a family loves one another no matter what, regardless.
We played silly games like spin the bottle thingy, asked one another questions, sent one another into rooms just so that we could dig out secrets. Tsktsk, it was so silly but i enjoyed every moment of it. Really (:

{edit}
It's very much amazing how God has brought us together, all 4 of us. It was like i knew you guys for a a lifetime. We could have found one another a long time ago, but God had His timing and allowed you 3 to come in now. Looking back, there were many times we served together, hung out together, played laugh and ate together - but nothing beat what happened yesterday. I was comfortable, so comfortable it felt like there was home. I don't know how you all feel, but i know i feel love and acceptance. So thank you guys, and thank you Lord. We'll keep this going, it'll be different from any other friendship.

Of course, last night i finally got a chance to talk to Jelly and get updates from her. Gosh i miss her loads man! (: It really made me go to bed with a smile knowing that someone loves me, and that God has been faithful in the lives of the people ard me. Makes me happy just knowing they're happy (: I want to catch up with all of them soon!

2010 is less than 30 hours away. And that's rather, fast. I thank God for what He's done in 2009, the good, the bad, the painful, the joyous. I feel ready for 2010. I feel ready to take on challenges, knowing i've got wonderful friends and an Almighty God with me throughout. I have been truly blessed, truly truly thankful for ALL that God has done. Goodness its the second time i'm saying this but right now i'm just in awe, of how God had already planned everything out. How he strategically placed people in my life during different seasons, to build me up, to support me, to teach me lessons and to love me. It's just amazing.
I'm leaving 2009 behind. And awaiting fresh revelations, fresh anoitings and fresh victories. I'm ready Lord, i'm letting go, and stepping into the unknown.

By overcoming faith.

2009-12-23T22:53:00.003+08:00

“I am a historian, I am not a believer, but I must confess as a historian that this penniless preacher from Nazareth is irrevocably the very center of history. Jesus Christ is easily the most dominant figure in all history.”
- H.G. Wells

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We ignore Him everyday of our lives. We laugh at His very name. We scoff at those who follow Him.

And yet, He is arguably the most important man who ever lived. A man who has had more impact on the world than any other before, or after Him.

There has been more written, composed, sung and created about Jesus Christ than any other figure in history. No one has left a legacy greater than His, yet He never wrote a book or travelled that far in the short period of time that He lived. He was a penniless man from Nazareth.

In today’s age we have more science, technology, media, entertainment and distraction than ever before - and yet the importance of the Gospel has never been superceded. There are now more Christians in the world today than ever in it’s history and it is still growing as more and more people around the world hear of the Good News and accept it.

He is the very center of history itself. He is that important.

(via fishforpeople)

2009-12-23T22:14:00.002+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHELSEA CHEONG :D

My dear girl's finally 18! Its funny how in a few months time, me and bel are going to turn 19. HAHA :D
Anyways just a short shoutout to Chelsea. It's been 7years worth of friendship ever since p4! Time just flew by like that. There've been ups and there've been downs, but nevertheless thank you for always being there for me. All the late nights at your place, with durian puffs, sleepovers that have no end. I love you for who you are, and how real you are with us girls :D Love you bestfriend (: Hope you enjoyed your little surprise, the AWESOME cake, and the chill time we had today.

------------------------------------------------------------

I'm on my way to recovery. Merry Christmas super best friend.

I’ll make it through this pain
~~My dreams won’t call your name~~
I’m stronger than that
Cos I still know how to love
Know that will be enough
And this moment will fade into the past
You won’t be the end of me.

2009-12-22T14:42:00.003+08:00

This guilt and shame need not be.
I did what was right in the eyes of the Lord, i shouldered the consequences and allowed God to renew me. I guess it's now time for you to shoulder your half.
"Walking in God's freedom" was a phrase that the Lord placed in my heart while i was seeking Him yesterday. I want my heart to die. I want to move on, i want to heal.
I struggle, because knowing i did the right thing didn't help me to minimalize the guilt because afterall, you meant more than something. I know what i have to do, but i'm just going to have to seek God awhile more, a little more for him to grant me courage, and wisdom. Eventually will come as much as i dread it. But hannah, draw near to God. Seek Him.
Sister vivi told me God will close every door that isn't for me, and since He has opened up doors, i'll just have to obey Him and walk straight through that door with God holding onto my hand.
I will alow God to bring conviction to your heart and let God be the one who'll restore, heal both you and me, and from God will come the forgiveness. I've chosen to forgive you.
Man can never fathom how God works, and there are some things that are beyond human - that only God can bring, only God can do, only God can solve.

For God to give you something/someone new, you need to free up your hands and heart - letting go of what you've been clinging onto and let God give you and love you.

I am sorry. I truly am. But lets walk in God's freedom shall we? From today, let us live our lives like an open book before God, no secrets, no hiding. Whatever the future holds for us, i'll trust in God.

I wish you the best my special friend. That you'll always be.

hannah, it's no turning back from now on.

2009-12-20T20:17:00.002+08:00

I was sitting on my doorstep,
I hung up the phone and it fell out of my hand,
But I knew I had to do it,
And he wouldn't understand,
So hard to see myself without him,
I felt a piece of my heart break,
But when you're standing at a crossroad,
There's a choice you gotta make.

I guess it's gonna have to hurt,
I guess I'm gonna have to cry,
And let go of some things I've loved,
To get to the other side,
I guess it's gonna break me down,
Like falling when you try to fly,
It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.

I know there's a blue horizon,
Somewhere up ahead, just waiting for me,
Getting there means leaving things behind,
Sometimes life's so bitter sweet.

Time, time heals,
The wounds that you feel,
But somehow, right now..

I wish you'd understand. And forgive me. Because i don't think i'll ever ever be able to forgive myself.

2009-12-19T21:31:00.003+08:00

I want to let go.
(and after sitting at the com for 2 hours, those 5 words are still all i can come up with)
I know i havent posted here in a long time because this entire season has just been too personal but i want to come clean and sort of release, you know?
It's about time to move on, and put the past behind. As much as it will kill me and hurt me to do so, but i want to surrender.

I havent cried so much and so hard in a long time. But at the altars today, i broke. I prayed a very simple prayer. Lord, break my heart. Empty me. I never really got a chance to deal with this issue in camp. And today, i refused to budge. I lied to myself, tried convincing myself that 'No, i'm fine. No i'm moving on well. No i'm already letting go. No i've already forgotten. No, i already let God take charge. No, you're not my bondage. I'm not hurting, i'm not hurting.' But God knew better, i knew better. It came to a point of struggling so much that God had to take charge of my feet and literally push me to where i fell on my knees at the altar where i broke into tears. It wasn't an easy 3 months for me, at all. I found myself living in so much fear, living with so much guilt and living in so much pain and hurt. I loved too much, i fought too hard. I cried till my eyes hurt, i cried till i cldn't breathe. And i thank God, admists all the questions, all the fears, ariel, khing, and sistervivi prayed for me. 'Let whatever is broken be healed, right now. It's time.' On my own i cannot, but with God i can, i can. It was uncanny, how sister vivi just knew. She just came over, placed my head on her shoulders and allowed me to wail. I held back previously, i didn't want to sob and wail and seem all needy and vulnerable. But with sister vi i let go, i knew i could. It felt like a huge release, and she prayed over me again - every point hitting the nerves of my heart. Restoration, in God. I love sistervi and rielmae alot.

And it still scares me about what the future might hold for me, and for you. I don't know if i'll ever be able to get over the guilt after what i've put you through. And I don't know if you'll ever forgive me. I dont know if i'll ever forgive me. But i don't want to live this life anymore, i want my life back. I want to serve God with all i have. I want to serve and love God with all of my heart, i want to worship in spirit and in truth and i want to walk in freedom. In short, i want to give God my all, and my best.

I love you alot, you know that? I don't care if a million people are reading. But yes i do love you, and you can bet i still do, after all this time, after more than a year. After all the times about telling you i'd let go of you, after the drama we've been through - i've never really let go of you at all. I love you too much, and that's just the reason why i need to let you go so badly. You were never meant to be mine, i guess. Sure, there are still alot of questions unanswered, a ton of maybe-s, might-have-beens and could-have-beens in my mind.

(Quote from my 7Nov09 post)
The hardest thing to do is to hold on, especially when i knew you've let go. Maybe you'll never be able to understand what you put me through with all the playing of heartstrings, how much you meant to me, how much i struggled with coming clean or how much it has taken me to even get here. You never gave me an answer, and slowly after time passed, this heart just kept bleeding till it bled no more. I'm sorry this had to happen, i really really am. I do wish that I could be cold and emotionless forever because as long as I can feel anything, I’ll feel you. It’s something I don’t want to live with knowing you’re never coming back. Knowing that we might never cross paths or speak another word again really really scares me to death. Trust me, you have no idea. I struggled and fought with God, fought with myself. I could take it, i could have just let it all go over time, let time heal me, and let God do what He has to. I could only pray that one day, one fine day you'll understand why i did all this - because i only did it for you. I couldnt let you continue, i couldnt let myself ruin myself further anymore. I said i'll be there, i'll protect you and fight for you all the way. I still will be. I'm sorry i did not tell you, i was told to do so. But having done this, i have just made the hardest yet the most right decision of my life and whatever i've done never spoke more of the love and care i have for you than this.
Listen. You didn't make a mistake, we did.
And so, we'll face this together. As much as it cost you, it cost me double. I've lost leadership, i've had to put up this battle for over a year on my very own, and i've lost you to top it all, with a voice within me that still beats me up day after day. But we will emerge stronger, fiercer, tougher, full of faith and equipped with so much more than before. Don't give up. I'll keep fighting, and you have to as well. Somewhere somehow, i'll be here. Perhaps 3 years later, 4 years, maybe 10 years later, all this will be over. I'll be looking forward.

Because i remember you saying, our friendship will be stronger than that. I trust you.

But i guess God knew better. I don't need my questions to be answered, i don't need any apology, i don't need anything from you - i just need you to understand. That is really all i ask of you, and of God. I want to start forgiving myself and learning to love myself and love others all over again.

"I've come to realise that we never stop loving the people who leave. We just stop needing them like we used to." I've never stopped, and i doubt i will stop loving you. I'll just stop needing you.

I would say a thousand million sorrys over and over again if i had to. But i'm going to let God take charge. 'God will release you' - rielmae
I am sorry, if it means anything at all.

2009-12-05T00:37:00.003+08:00

Tumblr-ing too much, Twitting excessively, and blogging less now ): I know i know, there are people who bother reading but i think there are a few. I AM SORRY. I just realized blogger is way too public, and i need to start being responsible for what i put up knowing how many people ACTUALLY read it (before i stopped blogging so often) :X

So anyway, things have been great. I mean, what more can i ask for? I'm thankful for the ups and downs in my life. It makes life worth living isn't it? (: God has just been the most faithful through it all, and i've just learnt so much over these few days/weeks/months? I'm actually very happy with my life right now. Expecting so much more in the next year!

Last friday i headed for dinner with the gang along with Xian. He's going into the army in a matter of DAYS :O Sundays will NEVER be the same again ): Sigh, plus with transitions and all next year, im highly doubtful whether i'll still be able to work ;/ Ohwell, anyway XIAN im very thankful to you (: I shall leave u a text on thurs night just before you go into camp :D Which is like 2 nights from now ): OHMAN, too fast too fast.
I had a ton of fun camwhoring and laughing till my sides hurt with the guys and girls. We had a SUPER full dinner, i seriously was never so full in my life. Totally couldn't even suck my tummy in! Got home still feel like throwing up man, and it was nothing much just a few slices of fish, rice and a drink. Crazy, i think my stomach strinking. HEHEHEHE :X So yeah we just camwhored all night and it was just an amazing time catching up with the HTHT girls (jelly we missed you!), and having al our hilarous moments singing laughing and walking around CityHall.

Jells came back on Saturday night and surprised me on Sunday morning with like FRESH peaches and a bag of nougats from Melbourne! Nice or what :D I ate 2 within that day and brought the rest back to share with my family, it was REALLY nice, esp since it was flown over with much love from jelly. Mega touched thanks love! (: Camp briefing was next that sunday, and i got a feeling this camp is gnna be HUGE, like HUGEEEEEEEEEE :D Excited excited!

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Did i also mention i've been running much and exercising?! HAHAHA finally able to fit into those shorts from cotton on that i've been eyeing :P Went shopping with meimei & mich today. Happy happy, bought 2 shorts, 1 levi's shirt and secret ss501 stuff HEHEHEHEHE :D Headed running with the 2 girls and settled for dinner at home. This is the life.
UPDATED ENOUGH! See you guys soon :D

P.S If you're interested, you can ask for my URL and follow me on twitter. It's fun. HAHAHAHA :D Till then~ Love you all.

2009-12-01T10:23:00.004+08:00

Hello December. In the wink of an eye, we're already welcoming christmas and getting all festive about it. It's been a month plus posting at tumblr, and you can only get addicted to tumblr-ing luh! Sorry i've neglected you blogger, it's no wonder my reader stats have gone way down :P

November just flew by like that. I've been really busy in school, but yet enjoying myself at the same time. Perhaps i've grown stronger, but perhaps i've grown numb. I really don't have a clue. There's been a series of events that happened over the month of november. It threw me off course and up till now i dont know where i'm headed. But as i was surfing around tumblr today, something about this verse struck a chord with me.

“Above all else, guard your heart for everything you do flows from it.” — Proverbs 4:23

Guard your heart. Something that has been set to repeat mode ever since October. It's been 12weeks and 2 days. Okay maybe it was way way before back in 2008. For everything you do flows from it.
You kno, i'm going to be really honest. I feel far away from God. I don't know if it's a dry season, or whether i am not seeking Him enough, or perhaps being too distracted with the different circumstances in my life at this point of time. After running so long for Him, i end up running a race that i see no end. Fire's burnt out, tired but yet still living in the knowledge that God is sovereign, that it doesnt mean that God is absent when He's silent - I know He's still around, i know He still loves me, watches over me and plans my everydays. I want to rely on Him so much more than ever, to come into a deeper intimacy with the one i call My King. Looking back on my 2009 posts earlier in the year, i want to go back to who i was. Hannah, still going through a hard life, but knowing that God has it every step of the way. I want to keep fighting for God, to live my days with God playing the director of it all.

I think i need to sit at the altars, and for God to use some form of lightning to hit me.

2009-11-19T22:06:00.002+08:00

(supposed to be doing the RJ that i totally forgot about, but nevertheless)Had a great day yesterday (: Workshops were all cancelled so finally a free wednesday to myself.
I got rejected early in the morning cos meimei didnt wanna go out with me, so i ended up walking around JP alone, trying to shop. It was rather therapeutic, yet it felt rather sad and emotional. So JP was rather huge, i walked for a rather long time as people gave me weird stares. Didn’t manage to get anything fancy for the 2 birthdays of 2 very precious people that are here ): So i headed home after getting some $4 tau huay and some weird things.

Chel dropped me a text and told me she ended school alr at 3pm (thank God) and she dropped by my place around 4ish and me and mei headed over to her place at 5 to finish up watching SOS & more of SS501 together (: Just one of those days you spend just talking and chilling - no fancy dresses, no thick make up, no nice smelling perfume. Just one laptop, 3 precious special girls, 1 dog, a mattress made my day. I loved missing buses just talking to them about stuff, laughing out loud in the mall and eating durian puffs together.

We should do it more often. You girls are loved (:

Im taking a day off tml :D Hopefully things will be okay! (:

2009-11-15T15:43:00.004+08:00

I AM BACK WITH one awesome update over the awesome weekend! :D
Finally got the chance to meet the girlfriend's bel & chel for lunch ytd, really happy to see them again and sit down for a good lunch @ Lailai's. They serve yummy beef noodles with nice milk tea and awesome side dishes :D We took 153 photos over the span of the 2 hours we spent together, walked to bel's new condo and camwhored somemore. Made me superly happy seeing the nice colours and backgrounds (: Headed to church with chel after that while bel had to study for her A's (goodluck bel, jiayou!) We listened and danced to SS501 on the 1hr plus bus ride and just went quite insane with random people staring at 2 well dressed girls being silly.

Well service was just as awesome! The praise and atmosphere was really high and just a free liberty and praising our most high God (: PLUS, Ignyte has REALLY Got Talent! There was a short talent showcase from hannah, krys and the boys, all really jaw dropping :O Enjoyed my time there. The short sermon was really .. apt i would say?
Psalms 139 says that i am fearfully and wonderfully made. His works are wonderful and i know that full well.
That who i am now - how i look, how tall i am, how black my hair is, how heavy i am, how my teeth are made, how i laugh, how i move has all already been planned and personally created by Him. And to know that out of 10000000000000 sperms i was that one that made it, actually when you think about it it's quite amazing. We always complain and ask questions about why our lives are this way, how miserable it is and thinking everyday about us being someone else or having thoughts of suicide. It wasn't easy to have came onto this earth yet some of us are just wasting life away. Well i can't thank God more for this life i have. Ups and downs there sure are. But when God's there, i know i'll survive. I always have (:

Today's another crazy day @ work! Paul came to join us and it was just pure joy having his company and camwhoring over lunch (: I shall wait for him to upload our crazy photos on FB or his blog before posting them up again. Was a tiring day, but fun nevertheless, working with xian is always such a joy, DONT WANT HIM GO ARMY! Lolxz :/ Alright, i've gotta go read up on my notes now and do my blocking for Fendy's script. Updates again later eh? (: Much love!

2009-11-08T21:50:00.002+08:00

It's been a long run, and a journey i'll never forget.

God just reminded me of how He's actually been there to guide me, and pave my way. And how i've actually neglected Him so much throughout this whole long painful journey. There were times i just walked alone, and relied on my own strength, got so caught up with what's going on everywhere from school to this whole mess, that everything kinda came to a standstill. I didn't feel God the same in my heart anymore.

And i just realised how hard it has been for me to be without God, and how my life didnt seem to have a direction when i left God out of the picture. Serving Him seemed to be routine, and every week just zoomed past like that. But i knew it wasn't His fault, it was mine. I failed in many ways. I failed to guard my heart well enough when things were going okay, and when the storm came it came and messed my heart up too. But as i prayed laast night, i flipped through my journals and saw my last journal entry about God fighting for me, and needing me to be only still. I noted down what God spoke to me about, and when that reminder came, it didnt only bring to light how far i was from God, but also at the same time how i failed to be still, and just allow God to do His work. I knew i had to be still, and that God will do the fighting for me. Yet subconsciously, i never surrendered all the nitty grittys, all the bitterness, all the hurt, all the confusion and all my emotions and failings onto Him. God must have grown tired knocking on my door, and was just waiting for me to realize, and come back to Him.

I want to keep giving back to God, because what He's given me is just endless. I want to serve Him in a greater capacity and fulfill the call He has for me. I want to keep going on to soar onto greater heights and scale different walls and conquer new grounds. I want to have God residing in my whole lifetime. I want to love God forever.

I guess our God allows us to experience the low points of life in order to teach us lessons we could not learn in any other way. The way we learn those lessons is not to deny the feelings but to find the meanings underlying them.

Take Your rightful place. Fill me afresh, till my cup overflows. Once again, i return the authorship rights to You. I'm sorry. It has been tough without You (':

I surrender my all
To the power of Your grace
Touch me, Empower me
That i may live for You;

2009-11-07T22:14:00.008+08:00

This is going to be the last time i'll make these 'kinda' posts public. After today or maybe tommorrow, we'll all move on, okay? Promise.

This is perhaps the hardest post i have to start. Can't believe that i'd say this but, here we are. For the entire year plus of fighting, it'll all have to end here, right here, right now. And i'm sorry. If you ever happen to read this, i am sorry, from the bottom of my heart. Trust me, i never wanted things to end up the way it is today. But it had to, and i had to do it. Not for myself, but ultimately for you.

The hardest thing to do is to hold on, especially when i knew you've let go. Maybe you'll never be able to understand what you put me through with all the playing of heartstrings, how much you meant to me, how much i struggled with coming clean or how much it has taken me to even get here. You never gave me an answer, and slowly after time passed, this heart just kept bleeding till it bled no more. I'm sorry this had to happen, i really really am. I do wish that I could be cold and emotionless forever because as long as I can feel anything, I’ll feel you. It’s something I don’t want to live with knowing you’re never coming back. Knowing that we might never cross paths or speak another word again really really scares me to death. Trust me, you have no idea. I struggled and fought with God, fought with myself. I could take it, i could have just let it all go over time, let time heal me, and let God do what He has to. I could only that one day, one fine day you'll understand why i did all this - because i only did it for you.I couldnt let you continue, i couldnt bear with it anymore emotionally, mentally and spiritually, and i had to protect the others more than i had to protect you. I said i'll be there, i'll protect you and fight for you all the way. I still will be.I'm sorry i did not tell you, i was told to do so. But having done this, i have just made the hardest yet the most right decision of my life and whatever i've done never spoke more of the love and care i have for you than this.

Listen. You didn't make a mistake, we did.

And so, we'll face this together. As much as it cost you, it cost me double. I've lost leadership, i've had to put up this battle for over a year on my very own, and i've lost you to top it all, with a voice within me that still beats me up day after day. But we will emerge stronger, fiercer, tougher, full of faith and equipped with so much more than before. Don't give up. I'll keep fighting, and you have to as well. Somewhere somehow, i'll be here. Perhaps 3 years later, 4 years, maybe 10 years later, all this will be over. I'll be looking forward.

Sometimes you have to be strong for yourself. You have to know that you’re a good person and a good friend. What’s meant to be will end up good and what’s not - won’t. Love is worth fighting for, but sometimes you can’t be the only one fighting. At times, people need to fight for you. If they don’t, you just have to move on and realize what you gave them was more than they were willing to give you. Hopefully, people realize great things when they come around and not lose something real. Always fight, until you can’t anymore, and then be fought for.
- via runwaytrain.tumblr.com

God, help me pick myself up again.

2009-11-02T10:20:00.005+08:00

Look, it's november already!
My hits seem to be going down now that i've pretty much shifted to my own little private space, instead of posting things up here that are open to alot of the public - some of them i dont even expect.

Well life has been good, God has been faithful to me and ever so prevailant in my life. School's been picking up, although still busy as ever and having the most boring modules to take - but other than that it's all been quite fine (: The dancers caught up yesterday to cheoreograph the rest of the camp dance. It should be quite exciting to see the entire Ignyte dancing to 1 tune :D

Again there are just too many things to thank God for. Tumblr's one of them. HAHA. Of course our family has grown together too, something im really thankful for, plus providing for us in terms of financial needs, as well as leaders and friends who've been just being so supportive this whole season (: AND MY SS501 BOYS, never fail to distract me and make me a happy girl. So looking forward to feburary! :D

“Walking away isn’t the hardest. The most difficult thing to do, is telling yourself that you can’t look back.”

------------------------------------------------------

I really feel like giving up. Lord, break my heart over and over again for this broken fallen generation. Sometimes it feels like the hardest thing to try and share, and break bondages, esp when they don't get it. I feel like i'm not going to see a breakthrough and it gets so tiring being there for someone and not seeing anything happen, like im, useless as a friend? I feel like giving up, but i don't want to. I believe in Your transforming power, so strengthen me, empower me, and use me. Hannah, stand up.

2009-10-27T20:21:00.004+08:00

Have been tumblr-ing just tad' too much i have a lack of update here! NOW IM BACK :D

HAHAHA SS501 :D
Okay sidetrack. Zoom back to the weekends, and the past 2 days - spending my time on math! LOL :/ Worked on sunday with math, had xian and uncle james help me out with it (which was rather helpful) and we just had a ton of fun and laughter with the group and stupid dumb blonde moments. Hahaha, that was it. Got home to study again, and had BK come over for a short tutoring, which proved to be rather effective and effecient! (:

Yesterdaywas home again studying, mom happened to be down with some stomach discomfort so mei was at home too (: We spent the afternoon half studying half spamming SS501 videos and watching so much of SOS that we really got freaked out by the time night came (cos the show's really creepy). BK came over again last night to help me out again, he has been of soooooo much help. I think i overcame the paper today thanks to all the help i got from everyone man (: After BK left i took a break again and continued with SS501's Stalker (thanks to jeanette), and we stopped watching after 1 full epi cos we were too scared and it was at night and we didnt dare sleep already. Plus i totaly got nightmares last night :X

TODAY, woke up to a brand new day (whats with the new day) feeling awesome. Expected to feel all gittery and all, but to my surprise i was more than just calm - still hung a smile on my face. By the time i got up, already had a coupla messages from my cell folks (awfully touched) and others like daddy, xian and josh with well wishes. More luck came in on FB and later in the afternoon. Totally made my day (: I was so relaxed that i cld still wake up and help my mom make ondeh ondeh that turned out delicious :D Just need more sugar! Continued the rest of the afternoon with more Stalker videos, bathed and headed out for my paper. It was quite alright! I probably wont get As and all but at least a decentpass for paper 1 (: I took my time doing the paper, making sure i was really careful and all. Just felt God with me throughout even as i prayed before the paper begun. I finished exactly at 430pm and just skipped out of the class (: Still had enough mood to buy a skirt and a tank. HAHAHA :D I came back snacking on little cornflake treats my mom made plus blogging and another dose of cuteness from the boys. Oh dear dear me.

수많은 인파 속 일상에서
널 다시 찾는 건
널 사랑했던 나의 목소리
잊을 수 있니

Go figure.

2009-10-24T22:14:00.007+08:00

She said yes!

Felt like the week was over in the wink of an eye, literally! Had a ton of fun yesterday too helping brother eric out for his secret mission: lying to sister kassey that he was overseas for a photoshoot on the eve and the exact day of her birthday, surprising her on her birthday & then the proposal.

He needed a little help for the big occasion so who better to enlist then the IGNYTERs themselves? Namely the AF folks, few grads, and our grp (beng,osy,josh,justin,ali,jan,esther,nat & myself). Our grp of 'younger' people were given stations. First station Serene centre, second Colds Storage, third Botanic's Toilet, fourth Car park entrace and so on, you get the drift. Everyone of us (there were 8 stations) were given a present that we had to give to her - we cld either make believe we happened to bump into her, or just make her answer questions. After alll, she thought the leaders planned it, and not brother Eric. She was blind folded by the leaders all the way and they brought her station by station. It was epic. Our group were split 2 by 2s and totally just pretended we were at our stations to 'wait for ppl', to have 'supper', or 'on the way home', or 'just happened to be there'.

I headed to meet my sis and osy at batok after school ended to get a coupla things, dropping by Giodarno to see auntie again was nice. Bus-ed to Serenes while doing RJ on the bus (so hard working can u believe it) and getting to Macs, eat & do math at the same time (Os are in 2 days) while waiting for the rest of the secret mission team to arrive.

After being briefed and given the SOC by commander brother eric, we set off! Walked all the way to Botanics feeling very excited about the whole thing. Me and mei were stationed at the centre where the carpark entrance was. Tons of bats, and mosquitos ): So we walked up and down the roads, which got abit scary so we plugged in and just walked in circles as we sang to songs like Dejavu, UR man and all the other stuff. Once she passed by Osy's stage, we got an sms and got into position! Wanted to make it seem like we were walking down the road casually, so we walked back and forth and reversed and in all directions util we FINALLY saw her. ' EHHHH sister kasseyyyy~ hello hello. Whoa u all having surprise ah so exciting. Ohhhh we on the way home now just came here for HTHT lor. Eh anyway sister kassey i bought u something, just nice can give u now dont have to wait till tml lah hor? Okay byeeee' After the moment she was blindfolded we made a MAD DASH all the way down to the stage.

In sweats and all, the youths gathered there. She finally came. We hid behind bushes and kept our volume down, while they sang her birthday song and prayed over her. I think that was the longest birthday prayer man! EVERYONE took turns to pray (those that were ard her i mean). Long enough for the choir to get ready and for us to light the candles that spelt 'WILL U MARRY ME'. Tell me about it, uphill, slippery terrain, 2 lighters and just passing candles down, it was no wonder they had to buy time for us. HAHAHA :D

Once they un-blindfolded her, yes she was very obedient and just looked straight (because the words were already lit) and started tearing as the grads & AFs sang to the tune 'Always be my baby' by David cook. After the song brother kelvin led her to the candles and asked her to read it out. While her back was turned, Mr. Gwee then appeared, kneeling on the ground.

And of course her first reaction - I THOUGHT U IN KL?! You lie to me! HAHAHA, but yes she was pleasantly surprised and of course agreed to marry him :D

Mission accomplished. It was definitely worth the late night out & the whole lot of sweat (:

I met Sister kassey up for lunch today, which was awesome and we just talked (: Super thankful to know that there are leaders who treat me like family (: TeNet was great, so was service and so was dinner. I've only got one thing on my mind now and that's Math. I'm giving sch a miss on monday, hoping to do last minute preparations for the paper on tues & wed afternoon. Wish me luck!

"Every wounded soldier needs time to heal. The doors are always open to you hannah."

2009-10-22T14:42:00.004+08:00

It's been a busy week as usual! Ton of readings to do, and no time!

For one, tuesday i had janet alison and oswyn over for dinner! A GREAT DINNER, steamboat and hot plate! 9 of us all crammed into one table filled with food. We wanted to ask more of them over but the table was arleady full ): Well that was my miserable highlight ):

Well for one we had our first stage management workshop, learnt about lighting design and technical stuff about lights which i found really interesting and fun :D I'm quite excited and enthusiastic about doing the module next sem and having Tony as faci! Tony is some amazing guy that did the lighting designs for people like Jacky Chung, Andy Lau, Madonna, & Elton John. ELTON JOHN! :O

Aft the workshop ended at 1, Angie, Liting, Ika and i stoned around at TRCC for a good 5 hours doing math and just talking talking talking talk while waiting for bus to come at 6 and head of to Lasalle. Did i also mention Os are in 5 days? :/ Tell me about it. The bus came soon after, and omg could u believe there were only 4 of us on the ENTIRE bus? You bet Anthony gave the rest of the DTA folks a good scolding after the talk (which by the way was horrendously boring).
Mom came to pick me along with grace and mei (: Thank God for her :D They went to get tau huay and i had a good shower last night before going to sleep at an early 10:45pm. Tell me about having a break! Overall it was rather a goood day having ppl like angie, ting and ika along joking and camwhoring on the bus, it was silly but i havent laughed like that with ppl from sch in a long LONG time :/ thank God (:

I'm off for drama meeting later at PL, and tml it's another day out late till night. Sat afternoon meeting s.kassey for lunch then sunday's work. Then its back to school then OLEVELs ): I need alot of prayer ): Oh anyway my little rants and picture posts have been shifted to tumblr. I'll just get zhijie to do a little editting soon (hopefully) because i just realised delise, delia, jeanette, ting and i all have the same tumblr layouts. HAHA! Till then~

------------------------------------

"And this faith will fight anything that gets between it and Christ. The distinguishing mark of saving faith is not perfection. The mark of faith is not that I never sin sexually. The mark of faith is that I fight. I fight anything that dims my sight of Jesus as my glorious Savior. I fight anything that diminishes the fullness of the lordship of Jesus in my life. I fight anything that threatens to replace Jesus as the supreme Treasure of my life. Anything that stands between me and receiving Jesus faith fights—not with fists or knives or guns or bombs, but with the truth of Christ."
— John Piper

2009-10-19T15:04:00.005+08:00

Things haven't been the best recently. My life isn't exactly at it's peak though i expected it to be. I found it hard to trust God, and i questioned and asked why. Why is all this coming now, why am i going through what i'm going through just because i made that one decision.
But God shot me in my face. He brought different people into my life, and when they failed, He did it Himself. When God is silent, when we go through trials and tribulations , it doesnt mean God doesn't care or that He doesnt love us. That is a lie.

This is merely a season God put me through to grow me. This is a season where i will battle, and know that i will emerge victorious. He knew i would fight, and He is holding my hand throughout.
All i have to do, is put on the armor of God and guard my heart. Protect my calling, stay close to Him and pray. I will not allow the enemy to throw any more things that me at will shift my focus but i run till i finish the race and have my eyes fixed on the Lord.
Lord, be my strength. Lord, be my hope. Lord, be the one who will bring a restoration and a healing of this heart that failed to be guarded.

I've been looking for love in another's eyes
Searching for water, but I come up dry
Thought that I could find
Happiness in the world's applause
Peace of mind in a worthy cause
Take me back, take me back
Go to trust in the simple truth
Got to trust all I really need is
You.

So i'm coming back to you, the only thing i know is worth living for.

{edit}
Again, i cannot emphasize how much it means for God to bring pockets of people into my life to be of such tremendous support. It only made me learn to treasure friendships more, and helped me see which are the ones that'll last, and which are just superficial. I know that i've made mistakes, and yet there are those few that will stand by me no matter what - not judging me, forgiving me and helping me move on just by being with me though it might seem like the hardest things to do. HTHT girls, nat, delia, zhijie, my 3 leaders, xian and just so many more - thank you. That's all of my feelings summed up into 2 words. Hannah will make it through, jiayou!

2009-10-16T23:03:00.001+08:00

Trust.
Tell me about it really.
You're not me, all of you. You don't know.
So what can i expect? Nothing.
What a way to end a friday and start a saturday.

2009-10-15T10:43:00.001+08:00

Looking forward to catch ups with ying, derek, chinrong & tham over the week (: Things like this that always make me feel better.

2009-10-12T12:35:00.004+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JELLY! :D
(it's 13 Oct today but i shall post it as 12Oct 2009!)

This post is for you! Finally right i know

JELLY ANG, JANELLA ANG! It's your birthday (yesterday). Seriously i don't know how to start and where i should start! Jelly as you would probably know by now, is part of my little girl group we'd like to call the HTHT girls. For her to be part of this little exclusive group, she has got to be someone close to my heart (:

Janella Ang, it's amazing how God has brought us together -from the 2 of us building friendships and then to the 'forming' of the 6 of us. As cliche as it might sound, it has really been a tremendous blessing having you be part of my life. Seeing you on the weekends (and occassionally on the weekdays) never fail to bring a smile onto my face, and i must say, young as you are, you've also been a source of inspiration & strength to me (: Mmmm, you deserve a big thank you from me and a pat on the back only because you're janella - someone who's always been there for me, having my back, constantly keeping me in prayer, lending me a listening ear regardless if you understand what im saying or not and just letting me know that in everything, i can just walk out and go to you (: I know that i can count on you with my mature talks, spiritual issues, friendship to relationship issues and that means alot to me :D I've enjoyed being a friend as well as a big sister/mummy to you (: You've been a great friend/daughter to me :D I want this friendship to continue to grow, and i know it will! Let's keep going and running this race together. I've got your back too! & remember in all things you're not alone too! Don't give up yes, i know you won't! &&&&& i really thank God for creating you on this day, if nt i wouldnt have such an awesome friend and the HTHT girls wldnt be the HTHT girls we are today without you. Sleepovers soon! (: Love you much jelly, much much much!

---------------------------------------------

{edit}
School's been picking up. We don't really get much time for lunch, or other things. Spending a ton of money doing daily printings everyday and buying materials is another big problem! My social life has just gone down to 0 too. God's grace has just been more than sufficient for me, and i'm learning to take things step by step, not look into the unknown future too much, because i have a God that knows that future and He will bring me there. I've only got to trust him (: And now it's just really back to my assignments ): Jiayou everyone! We can so do this!

p.s i totally miss alot of ppl now, and there are some of them that i shouldn't be. RP, return me my social life can? ): It was nice skyping pipi, s.b.f and tingyan today. Looking forward to the end of the week and submission of PD! Finally, getting to meet ying (:

By telling someone you love them, you're giving them the easiest weapon to hurt you.
- via runwaytrain

2009-10-11T21:28:00.005+08:00

My weekend was burnt. Didn't even feel like a weekend, at all :/ I found myself still up early on a saturday morning down to church where i met up with P.Andy, then drama/dance meeting, then cell and service. In the midst of travelling and free time waiting around, i still find myself reading up management notes and as usual worrying about my essay at home and missing my parents who are away on a short bangkok trip. It wasn't exactly my definition of a good weekend. Besides being super tired and worryful, i had someone spill piping hot soup onto me, burning half my arm and all the way down to my side tummy till i had to change and settle for kinnon's jacket throughout dinner. We had a great dinner though, kinnon & nat being on the guitar and all the girls and guys just being harmonies and singing great songs together (: And did i mention how happy i am to see my HTHT girls, like every single one of them put a smile onto my face, didnt realise the 'extent' until yesterday (: I really smiled from the bottom of my heart when i saw them and one by one come by and give me hugs and all. So nevertheless i thank God.
Today was another *stone out* day. Got to the shop, tried to set up my com to do work but MY STUPID COM gave up on me and refused to load the user profile. Dumb dumb dumb! Wasted my effort carrying it down and getting xian to troubleshoot it. You know how much i hate dragging my laptop down anyway. We got down to doing jelly's birthday banner, (epic). Wanted to flash it while she was serving, but afraid we distracted the rest of the band so we hid it and waited till aft service for her to see it. We went down to awfully chocolate to get her cake too! Xian decided we shld add the wordings Happy Deepavali cos we're all tired of the cliche Happy Birthdays. Sang her the Happy birthday and Happy Deepavali song (we shld have sang Muneru Valiba) and gave her the cake and she whizzed off for dinner with her folks.
(why the picture so blah one? :/ )

The rest of us headed down to Serene's for lunch at Tierney's. Their food's alright, some of them really CMI, but it was alright i guess? Just not consistent, which is a biggie to me. One time go the food taste good, the next time it tastes different. Like for today, 5 folks ordered Beef Stew and they all tasted different -.- Major turn off. We stoned, alot over lunch and stoned while me and esther waited for P.Andy again. We settled at Swirls for 100plus, and P.andy pretty much caught up with esther. We headed for home, and i googled on how to solve my stupid com problem and there i got it. Google is now my bestfriend. HAHAHA!

Okay i really want to do a dedication for Jelly but i shall do it tommorrow. This post is all over the place and i want to dedicate a decent entire post to her. Hopefully tommorrow Zul doesnt throw another bomb on us :/

ANYWAY i really want to thank God, cos i managed to finish my essay! Without reading all 69 pages i could already reach 1,100+ words and it's all submitted :D One down, um 4 more to go? :/ Oh well, the mangement readings are halfway too! BY THE GRACE OF GOD, seriously. Okay praise Him praise Him! (:

Isaiah 6: 5-8
"Woe to me!" I cried. "I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the LORD Almighty." 6 Then one of the seraphs flew to me with a live coal in his hand, which he had taken with tongs from the altar. 7 With it he touched my mouth and said, "See, this has touched your lips; your guilt is taken away and your sin atoned for." 8 Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?" And I said, "Here am I. Send me!"

2009-10-09T21:59:00.005+08:00

Never felt so guilty typing a blog post. I'm supposed to have a 1001 things to do at hand, 1001 notes to read up on but i need my escape and this is it.

I guess today i really reached my limits, and now all i can do is to go beyond them. For the first time this year, or rather ever since leaving W15L in academic year aug08, i broke down in front of my classmates. And i literally broke down. Many things happened over last night as well as the night before, and it didn't help that i already have a 1001 worries about school on my mind. I'm worrying so much now. I worried how mom and dad are going to keep on providing for the 4 of us, including themselves. I'm suddenly gripped with fear about the future that is so unknown to me. I want my parents to be around, i want my parents to live off me, i want them to lead a good life and give something back to them. But i look at my brother especially, then i look at myself and worry if i will ever do well enough to give them back just a portion of what they have given to me. I love my dad and mom as little as i express or say it. I had thoughts of dropping the idea of going to uni just to make sure i dont spend anymore of their money but instead go out to work. While working on the mood boards over lunch, i guess talking to dad online didn't help much. I held back my tears until sister vi made the right call, at the right time - that just had to be God. I left my team with a burst of tears and started hiding in a corner crying and talking to her at the same time. My future seems to unsure and i can't help but entertain thoughts of doubt that the enemy sown into my life. I started to doubt God's plans for me, and i started to doubt my purpose in RP, doing this DTA diploma and how He's going to provide for me and my family in every area we possibly need. I cried my heart and brawled my eyes out, yes in school - that was how much i've been pushed. I can work under stress, people hardly even seen me stressed. And neither do i anyhow go to my leader about issues like school? But today, instead of a whole lot of chim advice or textbook answers, she said 'dont think about it, leave it to God'. It was that simple. In this season, i needed to be patient. I believe God does have plans, but i cant help it. When i just told God and made promises to Him about what i'll do and would do for Him, suddenly EVERYTHING came down, school, friends, family, matters of the heart and ministry. I no longer know how to handle everything and i reached breaking point today. But i guess all it takes is just that simple step of faith, just to wake up and trust that God will bring me through a new day, and not worry about tommorrow because He already has plans for that. With a quiet confidence and a trust in God, i guess i will make it through. We prayed, and without even time to escape, i rushed back to work in a hurry.

Trust –noun
1. reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
2. a person on whom or thing on which one relies: God is my trust.

3. confident expectation of something; hope.

Mould me, teach me, and above all, grant me your favour, your divine wisdom and supernatural strength, and a peace that surpasses all understanding even as i lay my head to rest everynight. Because i've kinda had enough of sleepness nights.

Well the idea of a perfect end to a week would be hanging out with my sister, just the 2 of us, over dinner and talk. That's how i tried to end this week of. That's probably one of the biggest plus in my life that i have a sister and a best friend all combined into one. No need to wait for meet ups or free times to talk. Just going home is an avenue. It would have been even better if i could take a break and free my mind from all the stupid worries about tommorrow as well as school. Anyhow we settled in Swensens, shared a meal and an awesome dessert. Did a little shopping for design stuff and met jelly and riel for a short short chill. I wished i cld stay in the company and presence of people i love and feel comfortable around, but i didnt want to ruin everyones mood by being so stressed and i did have a ton of work to finish so i rushed home after getting mom some scones she loves. I really do miss my girls, and i really want to find a time for us to really sit down and gather all 6 of us and just, enjoy one another's golden silences and presence. That will be enough (:

Ezekiel 39: 28-29 - "Then they will know that I am the LORD their God, for though I sent them into exile among the nations, I will gather them to their own land, not leaving any behind. 29 I will no longer hide my face from them, for I will pour out my Spirit on the house of Israel, declares the Sovereign LORD."

shikari shiro! - zhijie (;

2009-10-07T21:04:00.004+08:00

I need a break. Just enough time for a good rest and a trip to the doctor, that's all im asking.
For now, there are a million thoughts and feelings running through my mind, not helping that Saturday is coming in 2 days? For once, i'm having mixed feelings about the weekends.

Forgive me for liking you too much, I’ll forgive you for not liking me enough. Forgive me for the loud racing of my heart, I’ll forgive you for not hearing it. Forgive me for finding you amazing, I’ll forgive you for never noticing. Forgive me for wanting to be with you more than anything, I’ll forgive you for avoiding me. Forgive me for being so pathetic, I’ll forgive you for taking advantage of it. Forgive me for not being able to let go, I’ll forgive you for never holding on.
— (via runawaytrain)

2009-10-06T18:35:00.004+08:00

It's only the second day of school and i'm already feel absolutely gone.

School literally drains me emotionally, mentally and physically. I think STA is just abit screwed up, with last minute emails to inform us about proposals we need to submit, 1 week to read up different books and 69 pages of marketing notes and submit a weekly 1000 word essay ONTOP of other module assignments to handle, last minute competitions that they 'automatically' sign us up for, never-seen-before facilitators that literally curse and swear in front of their class (and to their class) and just a whole lot of redundant modules that i absolutely dread. One of which - Arts Marketing. I have no idea what i'm doing in this diploma, or what i am doing with this course and this class. But like I told gavin, i believe there's a greater purpose above all this that God has put me through. School will probably only get as bad as i allow it to, but will anyone understand how hard it is in STA? Tell me about it. On top of that, i've been so extremely busy.

Well for now, i'm just living off the word of God and a good prayer life. Along with little text messages from people who care, and knowing that there are people praying for me just makes it alot easier, really. I am thankful for the little things now - just simple things like having someone to go for lunch with is something that i truly thank God for and it just hangs a smile on my face. Beats starving, right? I'm going to keep fighting, and keep trusting - as hard as it seems and gets. Hannah, JIAYOU!

As people, we all take time to figure out what our hearts need.
-Boy Meets Love

2009-10-04T21:30:00.003+08:00

I'm sorry for the lack of posts! ):
Just a quickie, i'm starting school tommorrow and yes this is another one of those very rushed posts because i have a ton of pre-class readings and essays to start even before class actually starts, plus portfolio developments and proposals to submit by 15Oct, along with Olevel math in 20+ days. Okay, this means i need to rely on God's strength more than ever, and continue to place that unwavering trust in Him to bring me through and grant me the wisdom and be the light onto my path daily (: I'm still pretty worried about the new people i'm going to meet, the culture back in school and how im going to manage my time and stuff, but i guess God has it all in His hands?

So i'm just here to leave Piwei a small shoutout even as he prepares to leave Singapore in a matter of minutes. This trip back has got to be his best trip ever. Its been more than a year now we've been friends, and about 8 months since he flew off. I know he's been back a few times over the months but this one trip back i managed to meet him and it's because of this trip back that we kinda both saw how much we meant to one another. I know he'll always have my back regardless just as i'll have his. So anyway pipi a.k.a husband, i thank God for you, as well as this friendship he's blessed us with. And for the meet up and the 2 hour call late at night to make sure i was fine last wedd (; Appreciated much. Continue to make a stand for God no matter how hard it gets okay? Keep pressing on and DO NOT GIVE UP, we are in this together alright remember? Looking forward to recieving your mail you're there yeah? (: TAKE GOOD CARE and till december, i'll see you again! (:

I will live
To carry Your compassion
To love a world that's broken
To be Your hands and feet
I will give
With the life that I've been given
And go beyond religion
To see the world be changed
By the power of Your name;

2009-10-01T20:28:00.003+08:00

{edit}
I really am clueless about what to do for you anymore or what i can do for you to just, make it all okay. I love you so so so so much and it hurts so so so so much when your world is in a mess, or when suddenly i feel like i've lost you. I've tried all i can, pray day and night for you, encourage, be there, seek God. Nothing works, and yet i am not giving up on you. I won't. But God, can you intervene now. Besides You, i know no one can do that work of restoration and conviction. I'm sorry i can only do this much, i want to go further, i want to do more, i want to make things better. I'm sorry i can't, im not superhuman, and i'm not God. But know i love you, unconditionally. Unconditionally, and selflessly. I am sorry, sorry.

2009-10-01T00:00:00.000+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY XIAN!

You're probably not a very words person this is part of hannah's ethnics! HAHA :D So here goes your birthday dedication anyway.

TIME FLIES, and zoom zoom away it's already been exactly about 10months since i've gotten to know you huh! I remember initially you & paul were selling CNY cookies outside manna and we were all entertained by his sprinkler dance. The stalk-er in you appeared (HAHAHAHA) and soon we were connected via FB and a whole lot of msn sessions. We started talking about boring stuff like school and cameras and thenyou introduced me to working in manna late feburary (I made an effort to look through all the chat logs) since i was having my hols and you had a lack of manpower and the rest's history i would say?

I must say it has always been a joy and pleasure having you as a friend (or a collegue too?) and you've taught me so many things (directly or indirectly) along the way. Whether is it seeing how you handle the people that come into the store from kids to old folks to irritating customers or impatient ones, or how you take on life's many twists and turns head on though it might not be the easiest thing to do. I'm also always encouraged by the way you treat all of us, 'the little ones'. You'll go the extra mile for people you dont even know well, like buying panadols, the simple act of telling jokes or sending texts for free hthts when we're 'not okay', sending us here and there, little treats in manna and just being like a 10year old buddy to us 10month old friends. I've caught and learnt alot from that sincere and genuine heart of yours.
So thank you a million gazillion! For not only teaching me many lessons, but also being like a constant. You really never ever fail to talk a whole lot of sense into me, and God always place you and make you talk to me just nice at the times and the seasons when i feel either GG or really in need of a good htht and some godly advice as well as a few slaps in the face that i also appreciate alot. They've done me ALOT of good and helped me tide over some of the hardest lowests seasons of my life trust me. Oh and definitely for the jokes and laughter you bring to tiring sunday mornings and afternoons, being the energy bunny and the cause and usually the reason for the jokes and laugher too, HAHAHAHA.

We actually don't have a decent photo so this random complilation will do -.-
Anyway there isn't much i have to offer but friendship (makes me feel super bad!). But i'll have your back just as i know you have mine anytime! (: Besides that of course is a prayer of blessing. Keep expecting and asking boldly of the Lord and i believe He will give the best to you because you're his number1 kid. Think as you step into this new uncertain yet exciting season of your life, remember to have fun in the whole process i pray God will reveal His awesome plans for you, grant you favour in whatever you do and the people you meet as well as have your heart guarded and to keep trusting Him and His plans even when everything seems foggy. Jiayou friend! Here's to you being a year older, CHEEEEEEEEERS!

2009-09-30T11:37:00.003+08:00

{edit}

My day ended off really well, better than i expected :D I met Nat before training down to Cityhall. We talked quite alot on the whole journey and settled at MOS Burger for lunch where we met Justin, Pi Wei and my new-not-so-close-friend Zhi Han (hahaha inside joke). We chilled at MOS while eating and just updating one another about life. Hilarious time, talk until everyone stared and laughed till the cows couldn't hear their moos. A supposedly emotional and sentimental talk ended in me being bullied and teased by all the boys for the entire day. Eye mo, 21 year old birthdays and romanticism (whatever inside joke) terrible. Even Zhihan joined in, what is this getting bullied like that :/ So as you can probably tell, the whole day was packed with alot of laughs, made me a happy girl (:

We went walking around Cityhall and Suntec, Nat bought his stuff and piwei got me a cute ring (HAHAHA). Had dinner at Funan and talked even more before going our separate ways and home-ing.

{edit/}
Dear Lord, Im surrendering all i'm holding onto and subjecting myself to Your will and not mine. Have your way, i know You have this under control. Amen.

--------------------------------------

The phone call that i should have made long time ago finally came. I was nervous, afraid, yet at the same time relieved when i recieved that call. After 2 and a half hours of talking on the phone, my once burdened heart was no more. I went to bed feeling a whole ton of mixed feelings but i knew that God has it, God has this. I just need to trust Him, i know it will all work out.
aahhh but why am i still feeling so jumpy and bad inside?

Anyhow im off to meet Nat, Piwei and Justin at Cityhall for chillxzxz. TIME OFF FROM MATH! Yipeeee, chao~ Probably update with a few photos later (:

2009-09-29T11:40:00.009+08:00

Besides the fact that i'm starting on a diet and trying to work hard on my math, this month was a rather eventful one. I didn't have the time or energy to slowly reflect on it, but after yesterday and a couple of weeks having random thoughts on my mind, i'm glad i did.

(p.s i'm not a very good writer though i enjoy doing it, so here's a ton of messy words that accompanies messy thoughts)

{quote paul)
"I used to think that if someone were to cut my heart open you'd find a room for honesty. A little room where you would find a small pile of sugar and a lego sized version of me in there with a big smile and welcome sign with pictures of your heart pasted all over the arteries.
You could stay for the night for free (with breakfast) and i would never tire of your wants and needs being catered to. But everything changes when you're awake alive and kicking and actually in the real world i guess."

I guess sometimes when you give your all, you don't neccessarily get back what you've sown. It's a battle and a tiresome yet rewarding journey you put yourself through for this thing called love or friendship, or something that means a deal to you. Love is worth fighting for, but sometimes you can’t be the only one fighting. What’s meant to be will end up good and what’s not - won’t. At times, people need to fight for you. If they don’t, you just have to move on and realize what you gave them was more than they were willing to give you. You are good enough, and you don't deserve to be trampled over and caught in the vicious cycle that selfish insensitive people put you through that only results in you being hurt over, and over and over again after giving so much.It will all still be worth it despite those hurts until you realise and you uncover so many unspoken dirty little secrets, and finding out that all the words spoken, all the things you've been through was built on a whole bunch of absurd lies that covered up even more lies. You then further figure out that you were not the only one that been through all that, but along with your broken heart, a handful of people feel the same way from this someone. It not only tells you that he/she was someone that was totally out of his/her mind and merely just 'playing' with you and ton of other people, it also tells you something along the line that you were nothing and not good enough. Ha, i'm sure everyone knows how that feels. What do you do then? Well you first end up brutally hurt. But don't sit there and keep mum about it, you get up and do what you need to do - present this situation to someone who might be able to give you a hand and perhaps smack that person up from his/her slumber. Don't take things into your own hands, because God has it. God will work on your behalf, and let conviction take place somehow, you just pray and trust God. Lies don't go far.

This entire journey has open up my physical and spiritual eyes - coming to realise that i've been fooled so much because i give my trust away too easily and not choosing to put my trust in the most trustworthy Almighty God. After so long of looking inward at my own problem, God did a surgery and worked on my behalf like He would always do. Amidst every trial and every good or bad season, the sovereignty of God never fails to prevail and there never fails to be something or rather MANY things to thank God for.
Definitely the healing process has begun, i dont know how long it'll take but i know i can count on the fact that my God is the best doctor around and i'll be healed to the point of being brand new and better than before (: & i thank God for that.

Other than that, it opened my eyes to see who are the ones who truly care enough to stick by me for a good 3-4 months worth of drama and more. Everytime i look back and think back, i am moved almost to tears of how the different ones are there for me, and give me pockets of courage and love to tide me through bad days and weeks.

My sister is first on the list. Afterall, she is my sister. She's seen the 1001 times i've cried whether at home, in church or at the playground downstairs or during bus rides. She's stood up for me, whacked the walls for me, cheered me up, gave me company, understood me, bothered to know about my life and above all that, she felt me. She cries when i cry , she gets angry when i get hurt, she laughs when i laugh and she would be strong for me even if she had a bad day. And i'll always love her! (:

The HTHT girls come close to being like blood sisters to me. Janet, Ariel, Janella & Alison. Come to think about it, it was because of what we talked about on 1May that brought about this covenental friendship that we have now. 5 fifteen year old girls, that are always there to ask me about my day or what i'm going through. Some of them give me godly counsel and cover me in prayers (janella & ariel) while the rest either make my day or give me advice on what to do next or evaluate situations for me (janet & alison). They never fail to make to smile and make me feel loved and feel like a special 18 year old princess. I wouldnt trade anyone of them away for a million dollars (HAHA so cheap) and i appreciate this friendship and every single one of them more than they think i do (:

Then there's jeanette tham, someone i think understands more than anyone else honestly. Maybe because she's been through a whole lot too? As much as we rarely see one another and just give warm hi-s and bye-s, she's always ready with warm hugs and been there to listen to my 1001 rants and let me know that there's someone that will really understand and identify with how i'm feeling. She probably doesn't know this but she gives me alot of strength and courage just by being her and how much i look up to her. I think she has alot of good advice that always has God in the picture too. See, the best of all the worlds! I love her dearly, and thanks to her i love SS501 too, another huge part of my season. HAHA! :D

Surprised by the entrance of sister kassey into my life, i cannot help but thank God for what she has done for me. I shall not elaborate (:

Delia and Nat have just been constants, always being there to give me a pat on my back or tissue for me to dry my tears and just a firm hug that seems to tell me that it'll all be okay again. They are beside me when i'm lonely, and they know first hand when i'm in my emotional wreck and will be there to stand by me. I shall save xian's dedication for his upcoming birthday, if not later nothing to say. (hahaha)

My girls were the best girls too. Having missed out on one another's lives for quite awhile, the sleepover + baking plus bel's house was just fun. It was fun hanging out late at night and having deep conversations with one another. The calls to make sure i was okay and the smses telling me that i've got a secret hideout if i wanted to leave home one day. Hahaha, thank God for this friendship he's blessed me with (:

Last but not least my SS501 boys - EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM. NEVER EVER fail to take my mind off things and put a huge huge huge smile on my face and keep me very occupied. Took over the emo desktop and handphone wallpapers and just made me a happy girl seeing them everyday smiling back at me. HAHA, psychotic.

There are people like gerald, clement, tingyan and alot of other folks that have proven themselves to be someone who'd take the effort to be concerned about their friends life. Somethings don't change, and everything may fail, but i know these people that God has blessed me with won't. I'm sorry if i missed anyone important out. It deosnt mean u mean lesser okay! I love you allthe same (:

When someone lies to you, it teaches you that things are not always what they seem. The truth is often far beneath the surface. We need to look beyond the masks people wear if we want to knw what's in their hearts.
When someone breaks your heart, it teaches you that loving someone does not always mean that the person will love you back. But don’t turn your back on love, because when you find the right person, the joy that one person brings you will make up for all of your past hurts. Times a thousand fold.
When someone ridicules you, it teaches you that nobody is perfect. Accept people for their merits and be tolerant of their flaws. Do not ever reject someone for imperfections over which they have no control over. Simply put it, love even the unlovables. You and i are not perfect, so who are we to judge?
When you enter someone’s life, whether by plan, chance or coincidence, consider what your lesson will be. Afterall, life's all about learning lessons. Will you teach love or a harsh lesson of reality? When you die, will your life have resulted in more loving or more hurting? More comfort or more pain? More joy or more sadness?

Your heart worth more than you think it does and you mean more than what you think you mean. Don't let yourself go. It might hurt and you might cry, but to get to the other side you'll have to let go of somethings you loved and be broken up in order to be put back together again.

Letting go doesn’t mean we don’t care. Letting go doesn’t mean we shut down. Letting go means we stop trying to force outcomes and make people behave. It means we give up resistance to the way things are, for the moment. It means we stop trying to do the impossible — controlling that which we cannot and instead, focus on what is possible.
Quote(via ifwordscankill)

2009-09-26T20:51:00.012+08:00

Finally a good update. Probably the best few days out of the entire week of purely rotting at home and not going anywhere at all :/
Friday (yesterday) got all ready for SP empowerment & a sleepover at Jan's place. I wont' call it 60% of the HTHT girls because we all need to be tgt if not we won't at all! AWWW, ahahhaa so i shall call it the sister duo. Esther + Hannah, Janet + Alison, hehehe.

Initially i didn't exactly want to go, and just skip forward to the sleepover which would be so much more convenient. Then again, my head told me yes i should go - and i did. I went there with 0 expectations, feeling like there was something wrong with the heart, it just didn't click. Our God is a funny, creative and amusing God isn't he? I recieved a whole lot, and God just revealed a whole ton of things to me that caught me by surprise actually. I broke down again before the Lord at the altars and had a long struggle with Him, until i chose to take a step back and very simply just surrender. So many apt prayers were prayed, and God just came. After today's service, it was clear. It has really been a season of me questioning who i can really trust, and slowly i forgot that the person that i could trust, was still there, neverchanging God. On top with a whole lot of other personal stuff and struggles, it was an awesome empowerment. After that, i made a very important text that would make all the difference. Hurried to meet alison and my sis who were waiting for me and off we whisked to her place (:

Along the way we took a few photos as usual. My trademark very obviously was the phone, idk why. HAHAHAHA :D

We reached, unpacked, and wasted no time and got down to business - a whole lot of photos and videos! :D Here are just a few, it took me quite awhile!

Ahhhh, of course we have just a few videos 2 out of like 10? :X HAHAHA :D It was insane, really. I laughed even harder than the first bunch of silent videos we did with the HTHT girls, there was a ton of rubbish that happened and coincidental similar movements and poses that just killed us on the insides. We spent the whole night just laughing, going down to get ice cream and fruit juice at 1am in the morning and just partied the night through.

Alison was the first to knock out at 2am, janet was next at 4.30am - 5am and me and mei carried on with the spamming (: Schweet.

After going to bed in the very very terribly cold room at about 6am, we woke up at 11am plus to get ready. Xian popped by and took us sleep deprived girls(janet, mei and i) out to lunch at bishan, awwww x100. We zoomed and yelled and laughed all the way till Bishan where we met Oswyn (since it was nearby) for a good hearty lunch (: The car ride to church was downright hilarious. It was a ride filled with screams, laughter and random things like shouting INDIAN super loudly and start cheering when we saw them in lorries, or guessing whether it was chinese indian or malay truck drivers and all the other nonsense oswyn came up with. If i were the driver, i would have flipped the car and died on the spot but thank God for a very understanding driver who was one of the few who joined in the fun :D Xian dropped us off at church before he headed off to get his ton of things done. THANK YOU XIAN-STER for the lunch and the car ride today! :D Muchly muchly appreciated and enjoyed.

Service and cell was great too. Awesome time of bonding with my cell recently, and it's all amazing! HAHAHA, despte being down right sleep deprived, i was the craziest in cell today playing chop chilli chop, coming up with random actions and literally steps that ppl just died trying to follow, goodness gracious. IT WAS A HAPPY HAPPENING DAY, finally a day off tml to have lunch with my folks and the rest of the cousins and relatives, seaaaaafoood (:

Till next time~

2009-09-21T23:26:00.003+08:00

One of those days i wished things were easier.

I guess it's gonna break me down
Like falling when you try to fly
It's sad but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye ;

2009-09-20T20:15:00.004+08:00

Thank God for an awesome weekend! :D Worn out but really satisfied (:

Still down with the cough and the flu, i went for Drama pracs feeling very light headed and stuffed (esp the ears) but it all turned out well (: We had fun brainstorming and being super creative about *ahemahem* which got us all very very egggcited!
Cell was rather informal since there wasn't grow. We planned for cell outing, and did abit of games and slight sharing and just headed down to chill very early.
Service was GREAT, with the capital G. We caught a glimpse of what liberated worship meant, which is something i always envisioned Ignyte min to have. I mean, why care about how you dance, or how you look and how you worship God? If you joyful in the spirit and enthusiastic about worshipping and praising God, you just do it! However you like! Whether you like to head bang, jump, shout, dance, clap whatever, it's your own gift of love to God. I enjoyed myself tons, great job worship team! (:
Dinner was, sad. HAHA, there weren;t alot of ppl. In actual fact it was only us. So we made alot of noise and had our dinner. Mine was miserable cos all my very nice friends didn't allow me to eat fried food, or have subway cookies when ALL of them were eating my favourite double chip cookies AT THE SAME TIME, on purpose duh. And i had to bear with noodle soup ):

So saturday whizzed past like that and Sunday came in the blink of an eye! A very fun sunday too, minus the stupid nose and bad tastebuds. Work today was filled with laughter, literally. From cheap thrills, to discussing how man are better than women, to man being creatd from dirt, and women from man ribs? HAHAHA or how God decided to make man out of dirt from the ground because He couldnt throw them down like He threw the whale into the water. HAHAHA, okay whatever.
After work uncle James drove down to some east side of SG to eat at HK cafe, i was too full to stuff anything so i just watched and listened to the guys talk. Oh, we met Joel a.k.a beng too. Along xian and i, us 3 drove down to Yew Tee to pick Nat up for photoshoot at Kranji War Memorial. Yeah, ask me why we went there. It was better than expected though! The sun was GREATTT, made us sweat quite abit but the photos turn out rich (: We had fun, the place was serene, quiet, peaceful and all that. Can bring boyfriend or girlfriend - minus the dead people graves and all. HAHAHAHA. Had fun had fun, but most of the photos are with the film cameras and the other guys cam so i'll have to wait for them to upload, for now here's a few (:

It was a nice experience! I enjoyed myself alot with the guys and of course we had our dose of history lessons! Okay, make that just me. I didn't know i knew so little or actually nuts about history and all that war thing. Like how i asked Nat that war is for WW2 only, or like civil war too? Then they said no civil war in Singapore. Right! It was nice meeting joel too, he dropped me ard granny's place so i bus-ed down for dinner and sinful durian. I only had 3! So yes im super drained and tired from the weekend but really happy, but !

Looking forward to the coming week! Tml's Dim Sum with the family, hopefully meeting J.Cheong this week, thurs dental, Friday's gonna sleepover at Jan's and weekends will be here again! (: Heh :D God's been good.

*disclaimer: i know this isnt the nicest photo, but i know why i chose it.
p.s long bus rides.

2009-09-17T19:31:00.006+08:00

Thank God for a great thursday! Besides the fact that i'm down with a horrible blocked running nose (paradox i know), a super super bad throat, a terrible nagging headache and blocked ears! ):

I think it might just be the result of being a total pig and putting me at home for too long. I tried to recall what i have been doing for the past 4 days and this is what i remember:

Sunday: Macs + Island Creamery
Monday: "dont remember"
Tuesday: Milk tea, fried chicken wings, chocolate fondue
Wednesday: Milk tea, Chips, Rocky Road ice cream, van houten(?) chocolates

This is still without including the fact that i don't drink water when im at home? Add that with other load of nonsense that i dont exactly remember - this is what you get. Blame the mood blame the mood! It's the whole comfort food thing going on ): I'm not a fan of chocolates and all, so yes this is a surprise too kay!

SO ANYWAY, i figured it might just be a normal dry throat from the flu at night so i continued with my plans to meet delia. I got ants to make barley water for me to bring along, and i made it tad bit too sweet. Anyhow, i got changed and showered, still battling that throat that was killing me. On the bus my nose went on and on sneezing and sneezing till i cried and had the macho guy beside me looking like i was some weirdo infected by h1n1. I met delia at FEP and immediately she could tell how sick i was. It was a good shopping trip though. For a good 1 hour, we were just talking and zooming past every shop until we realised what we were doing and went back for more rounds :X
We jumped to Wisma, then to Taka for a mini food spree - she got korean spicy rice cakes to share and i bought macaroons (?) from Bakerzin which were lovely too! If it wasn't for my bad throat or nose, i would have had a whole lot of fried goodness as well as dessert :/
We hopped to Ion and headed for the FOOD HALL. It's my third time to ION (i think) and we both have never been to the food hall. Still on our food spree we went to walk 2 rounds of the food hall. Did i mention how we were testing samples from everywhere too? Heh, put 2 poor, hungry, weight conscious girls together. Too poor to get the whole thing, too weight conscious to overeat, so we just sampled things like mochi, to 4 different kinds of moon cakes, to bread, ice cream and whatever not.
Considering the fun we had just running around sniffing and 'carress-ing' the displays (as how delia would put it), i wonder and kinda regret not doing it the last time i was there. It would've been really fun.
Not being able to hold out the headache, the nose and my throat anymore, we went our own ways at about 6pm after getting myself a boyfriend shirt, plus new slip on Everlast shoes (:

I could really use a blue bottle always filled with luke warm water right about now. Or maybe a coupla yells and shouts when i have too much ice in my Qoo aloe vera drink or too much chilli in my char siew rice. Top it with a box of honey lemon strepsils lozenges and a clean spoon from the canteen for my medication please?

Sometimes knowing something is bad for you isn’t enough to stop you from doing it.
- Unknown

2009-09-16T21:34:00.005+08:00

It's been a super boring mundane week. The holidays are still on, but i've been without any plans for the past 3 days. Thank God for delia and shopping tommorrow, looking forward to a good pamper-yourself-time, and a good talk that always accompanies every outing we have (:

---------------------------------------------

I wish i could just let this rest and move on. I know God wants me to do what is right, but i cannot help but reserve that part because there's so much unknown attached to it. I don't want to be dealt another blow 3-4 months later and have trouble moving on from where i will be by then.

And as much as i want to protect all of you, i don't know how to. I don't know how to start. But if you knew, somehow sometime some place - how would you react, and how would you handle, how would you cope? Will you then take back some of the thoughts you've had, or the things you've said to me indirectly? I wish you knew, i wish all of you knew, and understood. Maybe one day, the secret really wouldnt be a secret anymore.

Remember: God will never take anything away from you without giving you something so much better.

2009-09-13T17:00:00.004+08:00

I had a rather good saturday, very good in fact. Dance practice turned out to be a time of fruitful prayer and observing dance videos and gathering of ideas for events that are coming up soon.
& i also found out that our silent videos on facebook were shown in service jams, and i also heard the US people wanted the link to it cos they found it good and funny. Urgh, i need to hide my face now. Rather, we are famous! :D

So anyways after TeNet and service, Janet's dad dropped by to pick us girls (janet alison esther ariel and myself) and we headed to pick janet's brother up and he drove us down to the airport for dinner there at Pasta Waraku and off we FLEW to Terminal 1 to see fuwei off. We beat the crazy crowd and were the first to get there (besides his family) so we got a little time to talk to him and pass him gifts and well wishes and all (: After awhile, the seemingly empty airport was flooded with people, literally people mountain people see. I cannot believe SOMEONE said he wanted to keep it private and low profile, still mass text everyone to turn up! HAHA, but it was just amazing that the people there were people that he has touched in one way or another. Mine included (: I didn't want to cry and felt no need to! Yeah though my heart kinda melted when i saw his parents and sister cry until so emotional and everyone was tearing up and all, i have soft spot when i see ppl cry kay! Until brother kahfei came up to me and said 'whoaaaa you zai you never cry'. I WHACK HIM LIKE MAD AND WENT OHMYGOSH WHY YOU SAY THAT WHY YOU TALK TO ME, and he turned on my tap - didnt help that ariel and sister kas were there to offer hugs, another soft spot. GAH, forgive me.

So donkey, we've come a long way (: No fancy words, no fancy pictures - just a simple heartfelt 'thank you' and a knowledge that sometimes no matter how time passes or how seasons change, somehow i know we'll always be who we are to one another; a brother, a sister, a friend, a supporter. Jiayou (:
p.s just have this weird attachment to this photo despite the many we have.

When secrets aren't secrets anymore, they sometimes bring about a release - something amazingly strange happens in the spiritual, and in yourself. Sometimes taking that step of courage and faith, might just be what you need to break away from all you're going through and not going through it alone. Do the right thing, and trust.

2009-09-11T11:54:00.001+08:00

I'm loving the tan! (:

It was a great day yesterday, i had a ton of fun in the sun with the girls (: Time flew super fast! We were just talking about how we only met on monday, and then yesterday we met again and it felt like only a day had passed. We had our very own sandwich/junk picnic (alot of leftovers) at Sentosa and it was just rotting and eating in the sun for a good 4 hours? We packed up at around 4pm to go shower and headed to Vivo for more photo taking and dinner. p.s Janet and Ariel left at 3pm and 5pm respectively, explains them missing in the shots below.

The editting took a ton of time but the photos did turn out rather nicely :D We did jump shots and was an epic fail and the custom timer setting made us 4 girls jumping continually for a good minute on the roof top of vivocity where 1001 people were just walking here and there. Embarrassing much? HAHAHA :D We were soaked in sweat by the time we were done and headed to Food Republic for dinner and talk (:

All in all, i must say i have been tremendously blessed by all 5 of the girls - Janet, Alison, Ariel, Janella and needless to say my sis. At sentosa while watching all of them in silence, i found myself so amazed and how we've built this friendship up so strongly - That we are all different girls with different personalities, we had different issues and struggles and i saw everyone of us emo-ing and staring into the sea and sky at random times of the day at sentosa without saying a thing to anyone. Yet we all know that regardless of how different we all are, be it 18 year old me telling them my 18 year old worries, or the difference in all our life stories that we'll be there for one another. That the difference doesn't matter because we are one family and serve the same God that never fails. There isn't the 'xxxx is here so i cant talk about it' but it's just open sharing and everything between us, and the godly encouragement we give to one another - something i really thank God for. They help me keep my mind off things for the entire 'not so good' week, and in this week they made all the difference (: love you girls much! :D

2009-09-08T19:44:00.001+08:00

Can't believe i've resulted to using photobucket just to blog. It just feels weird to not update my blog and i just had to blog about my great day yesterday (:

We had a super fun random BBQ for no purpose at all at Ariel's place yesterday with the HTHT girls - janella, alison, janet, ariel my sis and myself. Yes, 5 fifteen year olds, and 1 eighteen year old. Tell me about it! Met alison and riel earlier to get the food done, and to take a coupla photos and video while waiting for janet & jelly to come. Janet came by early 5 and we headed down to start the bbq at 545pm.
Cut the whole story short, we took 1 box of matchsticks, 1 box of fire starters, half the charcoal there was and 1 hr 45 mins trying to start a fire. Point: TRYING. Until we gave up cos we ran out of starters and riel's dad just took over and got the fire going in under 30mins. RIGHT!
By then we were STARVING, so while cooking we were feeding one another prawns, chicken wings, sausages, scallops, satays, crabsticks, corn, lamb chops and whatever nots to make the job easier cook at eat at the same time :D

We headed back up after talking and chilling much, and started on a massive video spam you can see on facebook very evidently. It was already 10plus by then and we were all still insanely high, sweaty and sticky from the BBQ. Had a ton of fun laughing or rather CONTROLLING the laughter and making silent videos that are all on FB.

But there are a few of the many photos we spammed too.

Looking forward to sentosa with em on Thursday and friday it's off to tingyan's place for jam! :D

2009-09-04T23:48:00.000+08:00

Let's not get this post too picture-y too okay! There's just been an explosion of pictures on my blog recently, too many nice onces!
Alright so T.G.I.F, and today being 040909, Ignyte had our very own combined worship experience 4ONE *screams* It was a blast, totally lived up to my expectations. Before that, met Nat for dinner at Westmall then we bus-ed down to church early to pass Mark his shirt. AND WE CAMWHORED, really. Short bus ride, 100over photos JUST ON THE BUS. I swear my sister spammed self potraits of herself and spammed me and my emo + happy shots. We took too many to share so just check FB out. HAHA! But hereyou go, just a few.

After rotting awhile outside the Auditorium, the doors finally flung open and we Ignyters packed up the place all 800+ of us from both PL and Adam (: Praise and worship took place after awhile and we just SOAKED ourselves in the presence of God that was just so thick and tangible it gave me the goosebumps. I sang and declared every song in my life till i lost my voice and my abs got a good workout. Nevertheless, jumping and shouting Gods name is just the best thing to do right now (: I am so grateful for what God has done and is doing in my life, even in this season He has never failed to hold my hand and lead me EVERY step of the way?
But right now my life song, is for this generation, is for MY generation. My heart's cry now, is really for God to use me, to be a lighthouse wherever i go. To give me a new heart to love this fallen generation and for His glory and power to be revealed in this generation! Ignyte will rise as a selfless generation for God's kingdom AMEN! :D

It's 12.15am now, and i've got a long day ahead tommorrow! Till then when blogger starts to behave well (:

2009-09-03T18:48:00.006+08:00

Continued.
After baking day, us girls headed to chel's for sleepover! Bel went to meet joshy, while chel and i unpacked and slacked around with SG Idol. Got a call, and flew out of the house immediately to meet people and pass them things at 1030pm. HAHA! It was quite funny cos me and chel were running to yewtee and getting all flustered and nervous in the house and mrt HAHAHA!
Bel and Chel waited for me to be done, and then we headed back to chel's. Watched the moment of truth (super sick show) and slacked around to talk cos we were really tired aft the whole day of baking and running around photo taking and all. Bel insisted on photos so we just played along despite being tired. Time check, 1am - we played around with our hair and photo spammed in our PJs, so i'm gonna combine them into a GIF file instead of letting u bad readers stare at us. HAHAHA! :D
We sneaked out at 330am in the morning to pick Cheryl up from YewTee and had ba chor mee supper at E.A.T before going back home. Cheryl crashed on Chel's bed and they talked and talked till 5am before we all went to bed. 5am, FIVE AM.

We woke up 11am (i initially had to go to school). But after showering and having my nose stuffed to the max (cos of the aircon), i decided not to go to school for practice, first because i've MIA-ed so long. Second because in this season i cant handle so many things, and third, i have no clue what song they're singing, fourth O level math this year that'll clash with Reflections. Yup. Sooooo, we home-jumped to bel's place to play guitar hero and swim :D :D More photos! Borrowed the bikini top from chel, which kinda messed up my tan line ): I still wanted the spag tan line which is actually quite obvious (I LIKE) and besides, i dont own a bikini only because of the fact that i am super insecure. LOL but the sun was great 2 hrs about there in the water and just soaking up the sun. Very even tan, but not very black cos it was a TAN not a BURN (: Chel's mom came to pick us up and here i am home to study, blog and later SLEEEEEP.

Love the photos much, and totally love the girls more (:

These are all the tears you’ve ever shed. The ones that taught you who you are. That made you grow up. That let you know that what you felt, mattered. And they are all here for a reason.
- I Wrote This for You

2009-09-02T18:26:00.002+08:00

The girls came over today for a good time of baking! :D :D
We made 3 batches of banana muffins, and 2 batches of cookies! The first batched turned out to be chocolate chip flat cake, cookies that were all combined cos too close together ah! :X
I'll let the pictures do the talking (: Off to chel's hse for another sleepover! YAYSITY! :D

Nothing is forever, and the time comes when we must say goodbye to the world we know. Goodbye to everything we had taken for granted. Goodbye to those we thought would never abandon us. And when these changes finally do occur, when the familiar has departed and the unfamiliar has taken its place, all any of us can really do is to say hello and welcome. — - Desperate Housewives

P.S Hannah is doing just fine.

2009-08-31T15:45:00.004+08:00

Teachers day today! I grabbed nat and headed to DLSS for a primary sch lunch and a short miserable tour of our alma mater. It was rubbish, we cant go anywhere except the canteen and the basketball court and all that :/ We got a little sian and started taking out both our cams to camwhore, but epic fail. Both our cameras and faces not co operating, we just look totally screwed. But it was worth all the laughter! I'm home now for a short break before heading off to meet ying for dinner (:

{edit}
Back from dinner with ying. Not really dinner, but dessert! She had her dinner at Pasta Mania, then we headed for our dose of MOF EVERYTIME we meet up (: We talked abit, it was rather rushed cos like it was already 7 plus when i met her and i got an urgent text to be home :/

And and, tingyan made my day (: Thank you girl for being such a blessing to me.

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Cos what we had, was built on lies. The lies you lied.

I still care about you somewhere inside of me, but one day you’re going to understand how you made me feel. One day, you’re going to feel it first hand and just like you, I won’t be there to help you pick up the pieces again.
-Boy Meets love

p.s i want to play datona again.

2009-08-30T20:30:00.004+08:00

My weekend.
This week just zooomed past like that. Besides UT and paint, i can't say i remember anything else that happened. Besides going to the dentist on thurs then to chel's, friday i just rotted my day away. Saturday was no different, though my girls dropped by today! (: So yay we camwhored given just those few minutes of free time and natural light :D Im excited to see them again this wednesday for a good time! & did i mention how much i love them 2? We havent been contacting that much of late, but i know i can always depend on them to 'rescue' me and go through whatever mud i go through because that's what bestfriends are for (: Bel wrote me a very cute note that i took a picture of in my phone but im too lazy to do the uploading so these are the photos from bel's awesome cam!

I stayed out with nat & my sis for a good HTHT while waiting for our dinner to come by. Just updating one another about each other's life and sharing our different expectations and feelings towards various things was just the best feeling ever. I love my sister and nat - who is like a blood brother to me, the male version of my sis and someone i really thank God for (: When dinner came, we ate tgt and headed for SPC tgt just the 3 of us, loved much. We sneaked into the chapel to be audience members for 4ONE jams & it's more than awesome. The grads from Ignyte and whoever wants to come MUST come, i'm so proud of our full youth band and even more amazed at the way God moved even through the jams, i am now SO SO SO excited for Friday to come and expectating God to move in our worship like never before. Let's go! :D

Sunday zoomed past like that too (sigh i wonder when all this zooming will stop), i cldnt say i felt anything at work today. Nat dropped by in time for a quick lunch with xian, talked and back into the shop for the after service mad crowd :X Took super cold emo wet walk in the rain to Macs to meet justin and joshua along with nat alison my sis and myself (: We had our happy fattening sinful lunch there and xian dropped by for a great time of fellowship. I think today's one of the days in the week that i laughed my hardest. We talked about the darnest things and laughed hard and out LOUD until my sides hurt, it was really fun talking with silly people that took my mind off alot of the hurt and questions that flooded my head over the days. Was super reluctant to leave but had to and dropped by my grandmom's place for the usual visit (:

The day ended here (:

p.s I am disappointed and disgusted. Period. Too much, overboard - and i think i'm starting to lose for you what you never had for me. Do you even have a conscience to start with? Is there a word called 'guilt' in your dictionary? If what i think happened really did happen, i really won't hesitate to put and end to all of this and put an end to all the misery u've put us through and give it to you. What you did, is not okay - it REALLY isn't. Stop running away, and hiding behind so many different facades. Be more responsible, because i had enough.